Trying to leave BUT

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Trying to leave BUT
27
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:48am

Hello,

Im a 27 year old at home mother of two. I have been married 7 years and with him for 10. I want out of this marriage so bad. I just can't seem to get the "strenght" to go. This marriage is tearing me down-it has for years. We have had a turbulant marriage for 6 of the 7 years we have been togther.

We tried marriage counseling about 4 years ago (when i was pregnant with my 2nd child). Well it didnt work b/c hubby wasnt really trying. One session he said he couldnt make it b/c he was at work-truth was he was out to dinner with his secretary. He partied alot-stayed out-came home waster-we faught. I cried and cried asked him to get help (he didnt need any)asked him to stop drinking so much and going out. There were times he didnt come home and times he'd come home at 2am. This happened far too often for a while.

He has been to anger management (strangled me when I was pregnant with the 2nd child) and he left it b/c he thought he was doing good. He is now in therapy and "TRYING" to make things work-but its not really trying. im emorionally detached as of Nov 2004- I have wanted out-there was an incident that broke the camels back-so I have detached after many "chances" waiting for him to come around.

He thinks he has changed-I still get called the B word and told to f off. He so much has told me I couldnt take care of myself (finacially-and this is where Im scared-finacially and THE ONLY REASON I STAY) he told me I havent been in the work force for 8 years-I have no marketable skills. Its starting to wear on me

We have a leased vehicle,he owns his truck, we have a house, 2 kids, 2 dogs, and about 2 debts besides the house. I would want to stay in this house b/c mortgage is about the same as renting around here (live in IL).

Im so tired emotionally-I see a therapist to gain strength to leave-she even says this marriage is killing me. I have seen 2 lawyers and get scared. I know 28% is for child support-and maintenance is negotiable-Im affraid I will have to work 2 jobs never see my kids and be misrable. Throw my 3 (soon to be 4 year old in day care) which by the way costs 800 per month just for him. My oldest will need before and after care-ugh!! AND to top that all off the lawyer wants 2500 to retain her-gosh I have no job-how can I pay for it-we dont even have 100$ sitting around. Hubby spends like he doesnt care-well he doesnt. We grew up so different-and I think my childhood (divorced parents-moving alot mom never home-b/c she was working/and tryin to have her OWN life-food stamps-section 8 houseing-crazy drugs-alcohol abuse-yadayada) it scares me-though I know I wont be the drug/alcohol part-the rest not knowing not being able to pay bills-gosh I dont want to have the kids stressed about where we will live next. I also have no family-and when i sayd that I mean dependable for babysitting or anyhting-no where to fall no where to even fall for a hug. its rough

Thanks for listening. I feel like a "stupid girl" who can't even get herself out of a mess that is emotionally killing her-
My oldest even said "when you are you and dad getting a divorce" and "we will be better off without dad here"-only thing hubby provides is money to pay bills-and that is all I need him for-otherwise Im a single mom. He is around more-but 6 years of emotional damage I had enough!! And to be honest the emotional stuff is still going on-so he can't say he has changed-

I want out so bad-but SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:01am

Bless, I don't know if your counselor has mentioned this - what you are experiencing is domestic violence. He made a homicidal gesture ONCE. That's way too much. He is consistently verbally abusing you. NO ONE has the right to say those things to you. You do not deserve this. In no way is it your fault.

Please, check out the "Recognizing and Dealing with Domestic Abuse" board. There's a wealth of info on the board webpage. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you too, whether you want help getting out or just need to talk. 800-799-SAFE.

I strongly suggest you say nothing to him about your thoughts of leaving. Clear your computer's history and cache - there are directions on that webpage, too.

I wish you the best. Take care of yourself, believe in yourself, and be safe. So sorry you're going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:07am
I was scared like you.
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:45am

Thanks for your encouragement-I guess I should mention Im almost scared to-that he threw a knife thru the kitchen wall-it was a steak knife-though he hasnt laid his hands on me physically-so I didnt think it could be used as domestic violence. He goes from irrate to calm he is drinking alot again but at home-you'd think this would be enough for me to leave-I know it is.

I just dont b/c Im scared how am I to make it-when I havent been in the work force for 8 years-its crazy all the reasons Im affraid. I know iM dying I know this is killing me-but I say I have a roof over my head-a car to drive-and I stay at home with my kids-he isnt hitting me-yes verbally abusive- He threw the knife b/c I told him he was an idiot for spending 180$ on online gambling-and he is taking food out of our kids mouth b/c he uses money on stuff like that-he spent more on gambling then on our grocery bill-I was upset but didnt scream and he kept getting pissed and saying I was using the kids then bam went the knife I was in the kitchen-I was sitting with my back towards him-he was cutting a steak-I SHOULD LEAVE-why am I so affraid-its stupid!!!!

BUT IM STILL AFFRIAD-I have wanted out since Nov 2004-I just dont know why I dont leave. We talked about leaving-both of us-BUT he opted out b/c he didnt want to pay my maintenance and then the child support went up to 28% for 2-he wonders how he is going to make it. He is selfish-

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 10:25am

I'm not going to push you, hon. Make your decision as you're ready. But I want to make it clear that throwing a knife is physical abuse because it threatens the safety of your body - and your ownership of your body. It's assault with a deadly weapon and it doesn't matter whether he missed or meant to miss.

It's perfectly natural to be scared - nothing stupid about that. If you want to consult with a lawyer, call a domestic abuse center and ask for a referral to someone who is trained in DV. They will understand and handle your situation much better than an everyday family law atty.

Above all, don't be alone in this. The right support people can bring out the hidden strength in you. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 12:09pm

I do understand!!! I can say to you all-that emotionally IM done with this marriage-I dont want to be here anymore-in this marriage-

Im not in love with him and not TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK-no Im beyond that-WHEN I say I stay b/c Im affraid financially that IS THE ONLY reason I stay-and I just dont know why I cant' face my fears and leave-Im not scared of HIM-Im scared of not making it financially-

I dont have any support in my life (emotional) my family is scattered and have steming issues-that complicate their own life. For instance my dad is in prison-my mom is trying to kick her many "habits" and I have one brother with his feet in the ground-but he lives out of state. I really have nothing to fall on-or to even cry on-

How did you guys do it-daycare? being an at home mom-I had my first at 19-so its not like I had schooling (other then highschool) Im so damn affraid finacailly-it really kicks me-that I wont leave b/c of being affraid I can't make it-ITS a big fear and only fear-finaces!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 1:30pm

Many people have "no place to fall." So they must stand on their own two feet. It is hard, but it is better than being six feet under.

What kind of education or training can you get between now and when your youngest reaches school age?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 1:36pm
I am so sorry you are going through this and I understand your fear. I also believe that God will take care of you like he has me. He has provided my every need. Sorry about the sermon. The financies are so scary. I am still having trouble, but I am getting there. Have you thought about opening a daycare in your home. Then you could stay home with your children and have a job. You might check into it. Also there are online jobs (ie typing transcription) that you might want to look into. Also occasionally you can find another woman in your situation who is willing to trade daycare with you. She watches yours while you work and you watch hers while she works. Is it possible that you could move to be near your brother who is well grounded. You really need someone to lean on. This is much to hard to do by yourself. Don't worry about how much this is going to bother your husband. Do what is best for you and the children. I wish you the best. Please keep coming around and let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:18pm
Seriously. You are being abused. Go now while you still can. You will survive. Who cares if you haven't worked in eight years. You are young. You can learn. The longer you stay the less you can learn. The longer you stay the more time you give him to become even MORE abusive.
You will survive. You will find shelter, food and clothing, and your children will be safe and secure and healthier for not being in that environment. Think of what they live with day in and out - do you want this to be their role model for marriage? I didn;t think so.
We will pray for you. If I lived nearby, I would come over and help you pack.


Edited 9/8/2005 2:20 pm ET ET by browngirlie
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 2:46pm
My youngest has 3 years until kindergarten (he is 2 days of preschool for 2.5 hours now) and 4 years before full time preschool-but how do you manage a job and school-and a divorce?


Edited 9/8/2005 2:47 pm ET ET by blessw2boys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 3:03pm

You aren't working now, right? So you can consider some kind of training. Find out what is available, play to your strengths. Any training/schooling has to be clearly focused on improving your employability and income (don't get talked into taking loans for a 4 year college to study art history, LOL!). And this is ONLY if you feel you cannot get up and walk out right this minute. Considering your husband's violence, that might be the best thing. But this is up to you, and I don't want to see you waste one more minute.

Get information. The more you know, the better you will be able to conceive of how this can be done.

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