Dad's House Dad's Rules
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| Sun, 09-11-2005 - 9:00pm |
I have been separated for approximately one year. DD is 16 years old and visits with her dad regulary and I realize that I do not have any say in rules that apply in his house. But this summer has been HELL, Ex has turned a blind eye to daughter's behaviour and seems to let her "run wild" Now the problem is that she felt that my rules were too strict and chose to ignore them. Not coming home at night, partying drinking etc. Just like when she was at Dad's. About three weeks ago she got in a car accident - she doesn't have a license- Thank God no one was hurt!!! She has been grounded since then and told that she must get a job to pay for the damage done to the vehicle. Ex has told us that since he did not give her permission to go that he is in no way responsible for any of this. Surprise Surprise!! He has not paid any CS or provided for the kids in any way since we separated!!
I have discussed how irresponsible she has been with her and I truly thought she understood. She must get a job and pay for repairs to the damaged vehicle and she is not allowed out until she gets a job. She has not yet. This past weekend she spent with her dad and it's business as usual. Out every night, and then has the nerve to pull attitude with me b/c she knew I would be upset. OF COURSE I'm UPSET. Ihave spent the last three weeks grounded as well with a miserable teenager, DAd's been busy so he hasn't seen her during this time period.
How do I handle this? I'm tired of being the B**** and him being the fun Dad with all of the rights but none of the responsibilities!!! I'm afraid that she'll just forget about the severity of her actions and we'll be off on round 22.
P.S. Ex does not speak to me about anything including the kids. Believe me I have tried this is not the first situation but it is the most serious!!! How do I deal with this?

Unfortunately..... if you EX isn't willing to HELP ENSURE THAT YOUR DAUGHTER IS ACCOUNTABLE, HONEST and TRUSTWORTHY.... then you should just let it go when she's with him.... and take care of business on your
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I just want her to realize that we are accountable for our actions and must face consequences for them as well. How can I do this when her dad never has and still won't!! Sometimes I feel he is trying to turn them against me by always making me the disciplinarian just as he alienated me from friends and family when we were married.
That has to be so hard. Teenagers are tough anyway, but giving them the opportunity to manipulate, as yoru X is doing, is VERY tough.
I think the only thing you CAN do, would be to parent by example. & continue to enforce the rules that your dd KNOWS are rules, & very likley KNOWS are the RIGHT rules. Hopefully as she matures she will begin to appreciate that you are a stable loving parent BECAUSE you follow thru & make your expectations clear, as well as consequences. IMHO, this is a great way to parent, & hopefully your dd will learn from you, & not from her father. Good luck, R~
If parents are calling you about things that happen when she's staying with her father, I'd give them his phone number and tell them to call him.
frustrated1161...
If the terms of your divorce involved "joint custody, but the primary residence of your daughter happens to be with you"----perhaps you need to consult a legal advisor about a change??? Your EX may agree or fight.
So is a change in custody worth fighting for?
Pianoguy would like you to consider something. And this suggestion comes from a parent whose children (mercifully) are now adults and have 'rugrats' of their own.
No matter how much you expect your children to follow your instructions and behave the way YOU want them to.....THEY WON'T! And teenagers can be absolutely impossible! Why??? Because they're continuously "testing" and playing their moms and dads against each other!
Unfortunately, there are spouses who have NO DESIRE AT ALL to agree each others' values when it comes to the care and maintenance of their children. The conditions one EX might establish aren't always going to be agreed to by another EX! So as much as you would probably like to have that 'support and reinforcement'from your former spouse---this (apparently) ISN'T gonna happen!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but you sound very upset with both your daughter and EX HUSBAND?
Even if your reactions are justified, you're setting yourself up for more misery if you permit your emotions to go out of whack! This will be establishly clear when you deal with your your daughter and the stuff that she does! Soooo...
Try and keep your cool.....while establishing the ground rules! Make sure that the rules make sense and they aren't just your way of proving that YOU are the parent and she's the child!
The concept might've worked when your daughter was 6....but your approach might need a little modification now that she's 16?
Good Luck!
Pianoguy
Dear frustrated.....
I'm frustrated too. You have my sympathy. I know how hard this one is. I, too, am trying to co-parent teenagers with an ex who wants to be the good guy with no rules, no curfews, and gives them $$ every time they ask. He's also seldom home, so they come and go with no observation. We share custody and swap weeks for possession. My ex and my son were on the outs until recently. Now Dad is promising cars...
I don't know if he'd even tell me if they were getting in trouble/drinking/not coming in at his house.
If you come up with a solution, please clue me in, too.
If he won't talk to you about critical parenting issues, send him letters. I know that this may not seem like it will provide answers, but when something happens, and it will happen, you will have the documentation to back you up that he has been letting her do whatever she wants. Put it all in the letter. Even no response is a response as far as the courts are concerned.
If he sends it back unopened, keep that too. Not only will it help you in the judicial system, but will help when you daughter grows up and has children of her own. She will thank you for staying consistent.
Until she gets an outside job, she should be working for minimum wage for you. When was the last time someone cleaned under your stove? Cleaned out the garage? Dug out those big weeds on the back hill? If she dislikes this manual labor, she will improve her interviewing skills and get a real job. This paying back for the damamge needs to be on some kind of a schedule, she can't just wait and do it when she's 20.
And if she's been out late, make sure "work hours" start bright and early next day. 6 am is the best time to clean up all the dog poop in the back yard.