What's the right thing to do?
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| Mon, 09-12-2005 - 9:40am |
This is really long, sorry, but I could really use some input if you can make it through.
Background: I separated from my ex a few years ago primarily because I found out he had a secret 'friendship/sometimes affair' with a childhood friend of mine that had been going on for most of our relationship. I didn't realize until months later that our entire relationship had been abusive - very emotionally abusive, but he never touched me (he did throw things at me, broke things, used intimidation, road rage). His outbursts were extreme when alcohol was involved. He also developed serious mental health issues just before our breakup, but I'm not certain on the diagnosis (I was told he had a serious disorder, then I was later told that diagnosis was a mistake and he was just under too much stress and he's fine now, which I don't believe - he had extreme delusions, anxiety, and other symptoms). Although I never had any concrete reason, there were nights before we split that I had trouble going to sleep because I was afraid he might do something to me, and I had nightmares related to him for a long time afterwards. His parents also have an abusive relationship, but his father has never hit his mother so I think that's where he gets his idea of what's acceptable. Sometime last year, OW became single and she and my ex are now living together (with her young son from her previous relationship). Since he got together with OW, my ex has been easy for me to deal with - he suddenly wants the divorce, is helpful in finalizing our last details, and no longer tries to make me miserable in general. Very few people know the real details of our relationship as I don't want anything to get back to my ex and have to deal with any retaliation from him (since I didn't realize it was abusive until after we split, I've never confronted him or told him he's an abuser).
Situation: I got a phone call from OW's mother. In a nutshell, she's figured out that my ex is abusive and wanted to know whether he'd ever been physically abusive to me as she's concerned for her grandson (and probably for her daughter, but she wouldn't want to say that to me as she wouldn't expect me to have much sympathy for OW). I told her that he'd never hit me, and that I have no reason to think he would be physical, and that his parents have the same type of relationship, and what I know about his mental health issues. She told me she wouldn't tell anyone she'd called me or what I told her.
In talking it over with my friend and thinking about it, I feel like I could have been a little more candid with OW's mother. Although my ex never hit me, my gut tells me I'm not sure he doesn't have that potential, especially if he's drinking and can claim not to remember what he's done/not be responsible or if his mental health issues relapse. Also, I'm introverted and was always submissive - emotional abuse was all he needed with me to keep me under control. OW is extroverted and stubborn and much less easy to manipulate. I think he'd have to be more extreme with her to control her the way he controlled me, and when I think about the most extreme incidents with me it wouldn't have been much of a leap for it to have gotten physical. The fact that her mother knows what's going on makes me think that things have gotten bad between them very quickly - either he's having frequent raging outbursts or OW has been exhibiting a personality change for her mother to have figured this out already.
My dilemma: Part of me feels like I should call OW's mother back and tell her the above paragraph. I don't know whether it would do any good, but it help would clear my conscience if something bad were to happen. Not only is there OW to consider (who I may have said a lot of bad things about, but it was because she hurt me - I don't hate her and I don't want anything bad to happen to her), but also her child who might be affected or hurt (and in turn this affects the child's father, who is a former friend of mine who I still care about. And I don't have any way to contact the child's father to tell him any of this). But if I get involved, there's the possiblity that it will get back to my ex what I've said about him and that would make him very angry with me. He knows where I work and he recently accidentally found out where I live. Right now he's not interested in bothering me, and I'm no longer having nightmares, and I'd really like it to stay that way.
So... opinions? What would you do? Is it selfish to keep my mouth shut and ensure my own safety? Am I morally obligated to intervene? I'm really torn about this...
Posted on: R&D w Domestic Abuse & Surviving Divorce boards

Basically..... no one has any idea what he might be capable of down the road.... and anyone who is with him would need to keep assessing the situation, just as anyone would do every day of their lives with any relationship.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~