Forgiveness process

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Forgiveness process
16
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 1:13pm


Hi all...

Lately I have been thinking that I need to really work on forgiving the ex so that I can totally move on past the hurt/pain/betrayal/bitterness of the divorce. I so much wish to not have angry thoughts. Resentment only hurts me.

Are there specific actions that ya'll have taken that have allowed you to fully forgive? I can't forget or condone, but I don't want to be controlled by the past anymore.

Cupcake


Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 1:35pm
I found journalling really helped me work through my feelings. I wrote letters to my ex and OW getting out my feelings about what had happened (sometimes just namecalling letters, sometimes letters of 'how could you do this to me, you hurt me by these actions'), but didn't send them as I didn't want to communicate with them - this was for me. I wrote about things from the past that I had never dealt with as well as things currently happening. Journalling helps me figure out what's behind a certain feeling and then I can deal with it. Eg. anger at ex and OW for me was a mask for my feelings of hurt, betrayal and wounded pride (that I didn't know how much of a fool they were making of me). Once I understood the cause of the feelings, I could work on moving past them, learning from the mistakes I made and forgiving myself for making the mistakes. I don't know if I'd exactly call it forgiving my ex that I've achieved (to me forgiveness should only be given to those who regret their actions and the pain those actions cause others, which would not describe him), but I've let go of the anger, resentment, and hurt. Now that I've had some time and perspective, I'm just so happy to no longer be in that miserable, dysfunctional relationship and to be free to live a peaceful, drama-free life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 1:59pm
I agree a journal helped me alot. I have had alot of emotions of anger towards my ex. I also took in consideration that it was not only anger but fear. I learned to face my fear in time. I am no longer afraid of him. I took control of my feelings, behavior and reactions. I thought about why I was so mad. Expecially over certain things and learned to control my anger about them. I have not forgotten what he has done. But I have forgiven the issues over my life. I learned that in time to move on with my life and not let him control anything about me. Its letting go of what he thinks he has over you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 7:23am

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 10:06am

I have had a very difficult time with this process. I think I have forgiven ex and then it all comes crashing down again. It almost seems to be something I have to choose to do every day -- an echo of Dr. Phil. I have been using a book called "The Art of Forgiveness" but I have no clue what the author's name is. He is a Buddist monk and he offers some thoughts and meditations you can use to work through feelings and issues. I have used it several times to repeat the thoughts in my head so that I can really feel like I am on the right track. It doesn't always work, but some success is better than none. When all else fails, I pray like you wouldn't believe.

neverdull

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 10:18am

Thank you for what you wrote. I've printed it for re-reading. I do feel like I am only poisoning myself with these negative thoughts. He doesn't care one flip what I think, never did! So the forgiveness is of my creating for my own peace of mind.

And I LOVE having choices.

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 10:20am

I agree, it does come in waves. I'll check out that book.

I hope if I continue to make the effort, the feelings will eventually get there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 10:31am

Praying is good!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 12:32pm

I have come to the realization that the person you need to forgive is YOU. there are things that people do to us that we can't forgive. and sometimes there are things that we SHOULDN'T forgive. I know that there is this Christian concept of forgiving - but i just don't buy it. the trick is, of course, not to let your anger and hurt take over your life, which is what happens a lot of times.


THis is what worked for me:


first, i did go to therapy and that helped me to focus and to get over the guilt.


second, I was angry at my ex for things that he did, but when i got down to it i realized that this is who he is, and there is nothing i can do about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 1:11pm

You know, i want to forgive & forget. It would make ALL of our lives so much easier. I of course, sure cant forget yet, b/c its not DONE.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 3:27pm
this really made me think! I too have trouble "forgiving", which I find easier to think of as "letting go". I have periodic bouts of fury and rage over all the things my ex- has done (and continues to do). But you're right, he IS who he IS, and you know something? I KNEW IT when I first met him. And I put up with it, year after year, out of whatever - fear, maybe because I did love him, whatever, but now that it's over, the anger I feel is at myself! for staying with him at all. Anger is such a force - that quote Karen had about making sure when anger is in full throttle that you STEER! is a good quote to go along with your point about anger being directed at him, that might be better directed at oneself.
Sophie

Pages