Meeting people thru the Internet

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Meeting people thru the Internet
8
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 1:39pm

Is meeting people thru the internet and having what the soon to be ex...calls it regular conversation (tho I know better) ...and sharing feelings with that person not the grounds for caused for divorce?

How can someone willing to tell so much to an stranger ...and forgo sharing with spouse?

How can anyone work on the marriage or relationship knowing that the other person has contacts with person he/she has met online?

Nowadays, internet has become what I feel is one of the highest forms for broken relationships.

Good Wishes to all on this Journey!!!

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:24pm
You might want to check out the Betrayed Spouses Board, I believe there is a link at the top of this board for it. Yes, I would say that is grounds for divorce because it sounds like an emotional affair to me, which some consider worse than a physical affair.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:25pm

Rob, you might want to visit the Betrayed Spouses Support Board.

Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 2:49pm

Thanks...

Totally agree about the emotional affair point of view. Although, she does not see it that way...even when she during the first seperation went out of town few times with a married guy she worked with...and swore they never has sex.

And I told her...to forgive and trust that she was telling the truth about that...but she shared much emotional issues with him.

I am first to admit, I have been lacking in that department...and we had never communicated well. We never hit, nor cursed at one another. But, realizing that I need to engage with her emotionally and be here for her seems to be too late.

Glad that u are doing well own your own, and taking care of your wonderful children. Good luck and best wishes.

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 3:44pm

Hi Rob,

I actually understanding what you are feeling, and probably how confused you are. I am the flip side of the coin. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 7 of them. We never ever faught, hit, cursed or even argued. I think we both realize now that our marriage failed in the most important factor, Communtication. He statred talking to this woman on the internet and I was aware of it, but just thought it was a friends that he enjoyed talking to. Well one day I was upstairs putting the kids to bed and was coming downstairs to surprise him with dessert that I had made, and before I got to the last step he was on his headphones saying yeah my wife does not understand me, and I love talking with you and miss you and all the other stuff I care to not remember. I said I no longer want you talking with her if you are going to treat her with more respect then you do me. He replied after a couple hours of talk that even though he had never met her and only known her 7 months or so, that he loved her. We are seperated now and he has his moments of wanting to work on things, but to me I feel that I will always be the other woman as you would always be the other guy and never be able to trust again. It does not matter if its on the internet I still think that is cheating, just becaue you are not physically cheating you are still cheating with your heart. I understand where you are coming from and if you want to talk, feel free to IM me. Hope all works out for the best, rockclover

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 5:59pm

Hi,
What you are describing has several names: Emotional affair, cyber-affair, whatever. But what matters is that the person who is in a marriage has gone elsewhere for satisfaction of desires that should and could be fulfilled through the marriage or by his/her marriage partner. It was a HUGE part of my divorce. My XH had an emotional affair (besides his physical one). It hurt more than the physical one, knowing he was sharing thoughts and secrets and parts of himself with another woman rather than with me.

Only two people belong in a marriage. When one of the partners goes outside, it is betrayal. And betrayal is grounds for divorce in a lot of cases.
My 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 6:49pm

Totally agree with both rocklover and browngirlie.

I too for stupid reasons...the first time I choose to ignore what she was chatting with the ex-worker...in fact even like helped her choose a risky picture to email to him..as sort of a joke..not aware how she had become emotionally attached to him...and when she was on the computer...I would leave the room..trusting that it was only friendly conversations. And even as of most recent, she says...I know how to just have a friendship with men..and nothing more...who are we kidding here!!!! Guys, and I am one of them...in most cases will say things that she wants to hear to just lure her...and before she knows it...and because of our everyday stress, with relationship, with kids, money..when the other guy says things ...is an escape that sounds good...until is too late, where it ruins a marriage.

And just couple of weeks ago, she purchased a laptop cause of what she said...if to help her do school work...well now she locks herself in the bedroom...god knows chatting and emailing to how many men. No way of knowing.

When anyone is so naive to give himself/herself to a total stranger instead of your love one, instead of communicating ...I admit, I was not the best communicator...But I realize that now...and willing to work things out...I feel that is so insane how can anyone of us stray away to an stranger.

Computers are a blessing for many things, and yet the Devil to so much.

I have been willing to forgive her, but not forget for what we both did and did not do. And to work on the relationship and marriage. But as she still meets other men via the internet...how can I come to grip to do so?

Thanks for all your input and sharing.

Rob

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2003
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 7:47pm

Hey Rob,

Just a quick note.. I love my husband very very much and we still talk and joke with each other til this day, and I was wanting to work on things. He said yes I want to work on seeing if we can find each other again, and then I found out that he was sending gifts to her and her teenage daughter and such. I then realized that no matter how much love I have for him I dont think without lots lots of conditions that he would have to meet that I could ever trust him again. I would always have in the back of my mind that he is with her. His career is computers so it would not be easy to spot b/c he always spends time there, and I would drive myself nuts. Maybe you could set some Boundries and try the dating thing and see if there is anything left to be salvaged, but remember she has to put just as much work into as you do. I think when kids are involved men/woman think its easier to create a so called phantasy life where you dont argue about kids, money, laundry, you just have fun with no strings attached.. Like I said I have been there. Take Care, Rockclover




Edited 9/14/2005 8:14 pm ET ET by rockclover
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 12:50pm

Hugs guys...


My marriage fell apart because my husband left me for a teenager he met at work. I was pregnant at the time and we already had one son. It wasn't an internet affair, but I do know that the two of them talked A LOT at work and that developed feelings for her AND drew him further away from his family. Because he left me and would not come back, I filed for divorce under the "cruel and inhumane treatment" title. In my book, and my attorney's book, because he left me pregnant, no money and no job, that qualified. BUT I definitely think that because he was not willing to be truthful with my about WHY he left and he never told me about the emotional affair until WAY after he left, it hurt like hell. I was devistated, after all this came out of nowhere. I thought I wanted him back, then I realized, i would never be able to take him back knowing that he was not the person I married anymore. That person would have NEVER treated me that way and would have NEVER left to begin with. That person would have come and talked to me about what he was feeling instead of just up and leaving one day. That is something I couldn't forgive. I decided to detach and I am now with someone else, 2 years later.


My other story is, I am with a wonderful man. 2 months or less after we started dating, I got pregnant. It was a mistake and we were protected, it just happened. I was scared, and had no idea what to do. My boyfriend stood by me and we decided to keep the baby and to build a life together. Again, 2 months after we met. We moved in together a few months later. I lost my job and had to leave my home. My 2 children from my marriage and I moved in and my boyfriend was an instant father of 2.5 children. And he had never lived with anyone before. He didn't make much money and because my X stopped paying CS, we were POOR. BARELY making it. Stress got to be too much and he started "talking" to a girl that he worked with. That relationship turned into him telling me that he was going out with friends to me finding out those "friends" were her. I found out about the "affair" and I flipped. I was still pregnant with our child. I thought OMG, what am I going to do? I was ready to leave. He and I fought, he went through all the feelings. I decided to give it overnight to decide if I was going to stay or not. I couldn't uproot my kids again like that so I gave it a chance. That morning I decided to stay. He and I talked..... since that day he has been here for us 100% he knows how stupid that was and has earned my trust. This happened almost a year ago. He is emotionally there for us, loves me, acts about a million times better towards me, loves our son and loves my children like they were his own. He even got a better job! It was hard those first few months. I questioned EVERYTHING... and even today I question things once in awhile but I have learned when to tell he is fibbing and when he isn't. Things are going great.


It's a long road to re-trust someone. It hurts a lot to know that things happened but it is possible to move past it.


Hugs to you and good luck to your road to recovery, whatever that recovery might be.


Angelena