Why am I pineing over this Sociopath~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
Why am I pineing over this Sociopath~
9
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 4:56pm

I don't understand this~Here is a man that when things didn't go his way, OMG he would do the most horrific things, but when things were going his way things were wonderful. and I know I have to get over this and I will but, When does the pineing end? and Why am I PINEING..when he was the NASTY one and all I ever did was love him and wanted this to work more than anything..

I waited 7 yrs to get remarried..he on the other hand he gets married to the next before the ink is dry.. (Remember I'm his 4th Ex_WIFE, and was only married to him less than 2 yrs and only lived with him 5 months of that, but still continued to see him).Why is it, when a wife absolutely loves him and adores him and this man could have sex anytime he wanted (thats what he longed for all his life, was a wife to love being with him physically, were 50 and 52 yrs old.) would he treat me this way...I get mad for even thinking all this, because he is not worth the breath I breathe, but I LOVED HIM and I beleived in him. :(

It's only been a month since the divorce. When does the thinking about him end? There is times when I want to e-mail a cute joke to him and I know I can't. It's very hard for me to be mean and not talk.But when I did get mad at him I got more respect and attention from him. His Birthday is in Oct and I would not have a problem sending him a card, but he didn't send me a card last week when it was my birthday (but thats so him when things don't go right, we all get punished)

I caught myself going past his house this afternoon. First time I did that. I'm sure he has done that also, he has driven past before we were divorced. He even went as far as gathering up photos of myself and us together along with letters and cards and laid them all out in the guest bedroom and invited me over to go down memory lane about 6 months ago, I thought that was weird.. Do men go through a pineing fase also? Victoria

Edited 9/19/2005 12:07 am ET ET by heymissy13




Edited 9/19/2005 8:54 am ET ET by heymissy13
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 6:17pm
Heymissy, I don't know. I wish I did. It's only been 1 1/2 months since the ink was dry on my divorce and 6 1/2 months since this whole nightmare began. Yet this morning, as most mornings, I wake up dreaming about him. Not necessarily sexual dreams, just dreams of our should have been life. I would have put up with him for the rest of my life for the security, for my children, and because I love him. When will I stop loving him? When will the tears stop? How long is it this unbearable hurt going to last? I know I need to go forward, but I seem to be standing still in time and just living my life on automatic piolet. Nothing has changed except he doesn't live here anymore and I don't get to wrap my arms around him. He is so amicable. I think it would almost be easier if he wouldn't be so nice. Why couldn't he have been this nice when we were married. I miss him so much. How do I ever open myself to this pain again? I have loved him for 20 years, married for 15. For 20 years he's all I've known. I am so lost. I find myself wanting to call him just to hear his voice. I have purchased him a birthday present from the boys. I would love to tell him it is from me too. I also would love to know if he misses me. Does he think about me or do I disturb his dreams too?
I wish I had the answer for us. I know we will both live through this one day at a time.
Hugs, Brenda


Edited 9/18/2005 6:21 pm ET ET by mebrenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 11:33pm

I am almost one year since the beginning of the legal procedings and 6 months after the paper was official (still finishing the custody and property though. Although I didn't miss him one bit (I am the one who left him because of being terrified of him) I did feel the pain from wondering why someone would do such things to me and the emptiness at wondering if I would ever find a real love.

The first month from the beginning of legal procedings was probably the worst because of the unknown. I was uncontrollably crying from the stress for the first 4 months since beginning legal procedings. Then suddenly I started to wake up that life was much more rewarding and relaxed now that he was gone. Unfortunately I still had that underlying anxiety partly due to legal procedings still continuing. But for the next months I started making positive changes to those things around me. Broken things were fixed, unfinished things were finished, new challenges were met..... I think you just have to ride it out and wait for the phases to pass. It takes time and one or two months is not enough. In any case, you may wish to go to counseling to let out some of the stress building up. You will most likely speed up the healing if you do. Don't be too hard on yourself, this is a very traumatic time and you are bound to have lots of emotions over it in the beginning. Things will improve though if you keep focused on what you have to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:29pm

Do I have to be nasty just because he was. Trust me, I have had my share of words with him and he deserved ever bit of it. But what is the harm in sending a birthday gift to him. That is just my personality, I know that use to kringe him because he would always say that I was too gracious of a mother..I think thats a compliment.

I don't want him to think that just because he can be nasty, that i am not. I don't want to get back in a relationship with him, just trying to be nice, because its his birthday...Is it ever wrong to be nice, maybe I'll be rewarded in heaven some day...or do you all think thats crazy thinking...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 7:28pm
Victoria, There is no harm in sending him a birthday gift except maybe to you. You said this man did some hurtful things to you. Is this a relationship you wish to continue? I would love to be friends with my ex, but I know it will not be possible. He's been my best and only friend for 20 years. We have so much history together. I know if we were friends, it would turn out to be a friends with benefits sort of thing. Are you ready to let him go? I don't remember if you were the one who filed or if he was. It might make a difference as to how much involvement you want. If I didn't have children with my ex he would never see me again. It hurts to much. Why be nice to him? You say you don't want him back. If you want to be nice to someone go volunteer at the local shelter. They will appriciate your efforts. Earn your brownie points into heaven with some other sort of good work. We both need to learn to cut the cord. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 8:31am
You need to look at your motives for sending him a card.
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 10:42am

I agree with you~

See he NEVER wanted this divorce, he BEGGED me to come back. I couldn't after everything that has happened. Our divorce was pending, because we put it on hold to see if we could work it out, but I knew in my heart I couldn't go back. but he didn't know that and things weren't going in his time frame, So instead of letting the courts dismiss the case and have to start ALL OVER again. (LOTS OF MONEY) He decide to sign papers and end it.

So I found this Picture of A golden Retriever and a Golden puppy(He has both just like that) I couldn't resist it and I know he would love it. I would like to mail it to him. And put on the back That it reminded me of Shadow and Butter (his dogs) and I hope you get years of enjoyment out of it. Happy 52nd, birthday. Take care (he knows I really don't care for those 2 words, there so impersonal)

And YES, I do want him to think about me and I want to have the last say (just in words on the back of picture) and just let him think about things and he does do alot of that. I do not want to talk to him personally...and then I can walk away with my head held high




Edited 9/20/2005 10:50 am ET ET by heymissy13
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 5:25pm

And YES, I do want him to think about me and I want to have the last say (just in words on the back of picture) and just let him think about things and he does do alot of that. I do not want to talk to him personally


Then do you see that you are not doing this to "be nice" at all?

Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 6:44pm

I still have alot of feelings for this man and my intentions are all good. My intentions are to give him this gift, because it's from my heart. Everything I have done for him has been from my heart. I'm not trying to be cruel, thats not me..I JUST WANT HIM TO THINK ABOUT ME AND ITS ALL NICE THINGS I PLANNED ON WRITING...

My family has been upset with me because I have always been way too kind to him. I have showed my anger in the past, maybe not as much as most women would have. I have also cried a ton... I'm his 4th ex and he is 52...How many chances does he think he is gonna get...I never want to be back with him...I just wanted to wish him Happy Birthday. But I haven't fully made up my mind if I'm gonna do that yet..part of me says YES and the other part says SCREW IT..

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 1:22pm
Hugs, heymissy. I know you're hurting right now and that's hard to deal with. But I agree with the other posters that you're not objectively evaluating your motives about sending him this card. You say your intentions are good and that the card is just to be 'nice'. But a good intentioned gift is given to make the receiver happy, and doesn't have ulterior motives like getting the last say and making him think about you on his birthday. I'm not trying to attack you here - I'm just trying to show you a more objective viewpoint than your own. I'd like to spare you some pain that would likely be associated with sending this card. If you send the card and you don't hear anything from the ex, you may be hurt that he didn't acknowledge it and even might feel you need to call him to berate him for that. Or he calls you to acknowledge the card and you have an unpleasant conversation. Or he doesn't contact you but tells people you're still hung up on him because you send him birthday cards and someone repeats it to you. Those are just a few scenarios off the top of my head. I know it's hard to let go, but one of the best ways to do so and move on is to have no contact with the ex. If you have things to say to him or about him, you can instead write them in a journal or talk about them with a friend or counsellor.