Step 1 - Done - Need Help with Step 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Step 1 - Done - Need Help with Step 2
2
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:58pm

Well, step one on the ole' check list is done. I moved out (at least partially) last Thursday. We didn't fight or anything, I just reached a point that I couldn't take it anymore. He asked me why I was still with him if I don't love him anymore. I said "Good point" and called my Dad to help me get the essentials. I signed a lease for an apartment on Saturday and am planning on moving into it next weekend. I need to get the rest of my stuff out of the house sometime soon.
So - Step 2 comes tonight. We are meeting at a restaurant (is that even a good idea?!?) to discuss details like finances, etc. He thinks this is just some phase or something and keeps asking me how long I'm going to do this. I have to tell him tonight that I signed a lease. I am so scared of his reaction. I have been walking on egg shells around him for the entire nine years we've been together - it's so hard to be assertive with him and tell him that the decision has been made. But, I know that I can't lead him on - I owe him the truth. So, my question is - how much energy should I put into explaining the "why" to him? We've been in weekly marriage counseling for 6 + months and he hasn't gotten it - what's going to change it this time? Guess I just need some advice.

Thanks,
Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 3:10pm

"how much energy should I put into explaining the "why" to him? We've been in weekly marriage counseling for 6 + months and he hasn't gotten it"

I think that after 6 months of counseling, with him still not "getting it" it is likely that you owe him no further explanation. Do you feel that is true? Do you feel that you have been clear about what you need? And yet he still doesn't hear you or change?

If you have done all this already, and he still keeps asking, then his questions are not really a request for answers. What he is really doing is trying to manipulate or gain some kind of power over the situation. Looking for a chink he can slip a finger into. Seeking control. Many people ask, "but why don't you love me," hoping they will get an answer that is flimsy so they can argue. If they can keep you arguing, then they feel like maybe they can convince you to stay. So if it looks like he is doing this, do him a BIG favor. Don't answer any questions you already answered. Don't let him draw you into an argument.

Just say, "you wanted to discuss financials and business... let's return to that subject. If you're done discussing that, then there is somewhere I really need to be right now, so goodnight."

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 3:54pm

You make a very good point that this is just an another manifestation of his control and manipulation (which of course he will deny until the day that he dies). Like, this morning when I called to check on my daughter he asked me if I slept okay last night. So, in other words he wants to know if I'm laying awake at night worrying if I've made the right decision, etc. I told him that I slept fine. Of course, I haven't slept a wink since I moved out but I'm not about to tell him that. ;-)
He keeps asking me how long I am going to do this - he doesn't get that this is for real. I hope that me telling him that I got an apartment will reinforce my message. I seriously want to throw up I am so nervous about meeting with him tonight.
Thanks for your words of encouragement.

-Julie