Child Custody Evaluation

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Child Custody Evaluation
18
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 2:07pm

It's finally happening. My STBX requested a child custody evaluation. I initially agreed but said I wouldn't pay for it, so I guess he decided to pay for the whole thing. Anyway, we're meeting with the child custody evaluator next Tuesday 9/27.

I'm nervous, but I'm also looking at it as my opportunity to be able to tell someone that he is verbally/emotionally abusive and a chronic liar and then lay out the facts. I tape the phone conversations he has with our kids, and so I have some inappropriate comments he's made to the children on tape. My attorney said they wouldn't be allowed in court, but that I can play them for the custody evaluator.

He's saying that my dad hits our son (UNTRUE!) and that my mom is unfit to watch our children (also UNTRUE!).

Has anyone gone through a custody evaluation?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 2:31pm

I had an evaluation at his insistence. Unfortunately he ran off and hid and left me paying the entire bill. But anyway, from what I have been lead to understand, complaining about the other parent is never a good idea in a custody eval. That is, unless it is relevant to his behavior around the children. The best bet is to stick to facts, try to be fair and realistic, and explain your fears as just fears and not accusations unless you have the facts to back it up. Try to demonstrate that you are trying to do what is best for the children and attempting to work things out with the other parent for their sake. It should completely work for you if the other parent does the complaining and shows they don't even want to communicate with you to work things out.

The ex in my case did nothing but bad mouth me, accuse me of conspiring against him, and accused nearly everyone around as trying to hurt him. When questioned why son drew certain pictures, he quickly snapped that it was because I instructed him to do so. This was not true of course. When I was asked about the pictures, I gave an honest and fair answer without jumping to blame the other parent. I think being level headed will only work in your favour. Only bring up things he says and does if it honestly can affect the children, and at all times make it clear that you have a real concern of this behavior around the children and are not just irritated. And especially don't make unbased accusations. They seem to look out for that and see it as a negative behavior. Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 3:54pm
I have a question:
Why did your lawyer say the taped conversations wouldnt be allowed in court. Im going for my 1st custody hearing with my ex next week and Im nervous also. Why did an evaluator get involved?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 4:56pm

hglucky, thanks for the great advice. I will just lay out the facts without any judgment.

luvred, when i mentioned the tape to my attorney, he said he would bring it up in court even though it wouldn't be allowed, and then we started talking about other things, and i never asked him about it again, because my STBX keeps delaying and procrastinating every step of the way. in fact, our court date was just postponed again thanks to stbx.

my stbx was verbally/emotionally abusive to me. one of the reasons i left is because i don't want my kids growing up thinking that type of behavior is normal and think it's ok to be abusive to others or accept that type of treatment from someone else. they see their dad tuesday evenings and alternate weekends.

he wants us to alternate weeks, which i will not agree to because he bullies and manipulates them and says bad things about me to them. plus, i want them to feel like they have a home, and if they are carted back and forth every week, they won't feel that way.

sorry this is so long, anyway, he requested the custody evaluation as a way to have the court give him more time with our children.

good luck with your custody hearing. i hope it works out for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 4:58pm

Thanks for the reply. I hope things go well with you too.

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 2:28pm
I went through the custody evaluation earlier this year. I am going to suggest to you something that may be very difficult for you to do. Do not point fingers at your ex. Do not play the "he does this and he does that" game. During his appointments with the evaluator, he will show his true colors. Evaluators are intuitive and it isn't about what you are saying, it is about what your body language and your choices show them about you. This is your opportunity to show the evaluator how you deal with keeping your children safe and on track and that you are not willing to point fingers and play the "game" with him. You need to show the evaluator that you have your head together and are willing to do the right thing for your children. The right thing for your children is not putting their father down...by not playing games with him. I believe if you let the evaluator know that you have been recording his phone conversations with your children that you are going to damage your chances of coming out on top from all of this. There is nothing the evaluator can do more than giving you custody of the children. In order for the evaluator to feel comforatable giving you full custody, they need to know you are a stable and confident person capable of providing a normal lifestyle. You can not do that by wasting your energy trying to prove your ex is a terrible man....you need to protect your children from that whole concept. The evaluator will not prevent the father from seeing the children at all because that is not in the best interest of the children. I did not point fingers, put my ex down, tell her about the drug use, or say he was an unworthy father at all. During his conversations with her, he showed/told her all of that himself. She seen his inconsistencies in his stories and made her own decisions about who was the healthiest parent. My evaluator recommended that I receive full custody and I did. I hope I have helped in some way. Good Luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 5:26pm

imdz35, thank you for your comments. I printed what you wrote and will take it with me as a reminder.

I remember when stbx & I went to therapy, the therapist saw right through him in less than an hour, so I am confident that the custody evaluator be able to do the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 11:09am

I say that if he says that your dad hits his son... and that your mom is unfit..... he's waiting unitl the wrong time to tell a custody evaluator.


You'd better bet that if someone.... anyone.... was "abusing" my kids or if I felt that they were in a neglectful situation.... I'd be making calls to get it stopped!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 11:12am
Excellent advice!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 12:02pm

Thanks Karen (and everyone else).

I'm a lot calmer today than I was a couple days ago, which is good. I want to go into the meeting strong and confident and not frantic and nervous like I was before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 1:06pm

Everyone is dead on in advising you not to bash the ex. The courts are looking for, among other things, who will continue to foster love and affection for the other parent. If you bad mouth him, they will figure that you will try to color the kids' judgment of their dad and alientate them from him which is not in the best interest of children unless the father is abusive.

Regarding the tapes. Does your ex know that you taped his conversations with the kids? If he doesn't, you need to destroy those tapes because not only are they not admissible in court, it is a third degree felony to tape record anyone without their knowledge or consent. Also, the children should be allowed to have unhindered contact with their father.

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