Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Need some advice
4
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 8:49am

Hello. This is my first time posting here, but I have been reading the board for a few months now. Let me give you some background and then hopefully someone will have some advice for me.
I have been married for 8 years, and have a 5 year old son who is my life! I have not been happy in my marriage for several years now and really think I am at the point of leaving. I have talked to a lawyer so that my husband will not be able to use any scare tactits on me. He is just a very controling person and I can't deal with it any more.
I have a lot of questions though. I am the kind of person that is always making everything better. I always do what I can to avoid conflict and never speak my mind. So, telling my husband that I am leaving is going to be hard for me. My main question is what do I tell my son. He is 5 and I just don't know what you are supposed to tell them. I have been living un-happy because I thought it would tear him apart if I left. I know I can't live unhappy to try and make him happy. But, what do you tell a 5 year old to make it not as painful?
I have hopes that my husband will see that we need to be able to get through this without fighting for our son. I don't want to fight over him and because my husband does not have a full time job right now I would hope he would be smart enough not to fight. I want him to see my son as much as possible, but if he wants to fight, I am more than ready.
Any advice you can give me on what, how and when you tell young children would be greatly appericated.

Thanks,
Faith

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 9:22am

Faith, glad you decided to post. Welcome to the board.


I think it is great that you already went to see a lawyer. That is a huge and important step. That way, you won't fall prey to the scare-tactics your H may try to use. Yes, telling your H is going to be very challenging if you're worried about his reaction. If you don't fear for your physical safety, I would tell him in person, with as much kindness and empathy as you can muster.


As for your child, there is a really good artivcle on ivillage about how to break the news of divorce to children:


http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnsdivorce/0,,8zpb-1,00.html


Please post often!


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 11:41am

The following info is from my Transparenting book. I posted the web site to get this book in another post.

Talking to Younger Children about Divorce/Parental Seperation

Talking to younger children can be especially challenging. There are specific considerations to keep in mind when addressing this young audience.

Keep it simple- Limit your explanation to a few sentences. It may be difficlut to do this when faced with questions about complicated issues. Remember to think about "What do they need to hear" and use this as a guide in your response.
(Example: "Mommy and Daddy have decided to make two homes for our family. Daddy will live in one home and Mommy will live in the other. You will spend time in both places.")

Follow their lead- Answer questions when they are asked. Children will generally let you know when they are interested in finding out more about "grown-up" issue. Other than times when you are teaching or setting limits, younger children don't need detailed explanations of what is going on.
(Example: "Why don't you and Mommy live in the same house?")
(Response: "Sometimes grown ups live better in two different houses.")

Demonstrate- Bring your explanations to life by either showing the child what you mean or using something that can make it easier for them to actually "see" what you are talking about.
(Example- When telling a child about where people are going to be living, it can be helpful to take the child and show them each parents new home and where they will be sleeping in each place.)

Acknowledge your emotions but stay focused on your child. Young children can be especially sensitive and vulnerable to parental mood swings. When a parent is upset, young children have a tendency to be caregivers. Parents need to recognize their feelings but should never burden a young child with their need to be comforted.
(Example: "Mommy feels sad that our family doesn't share a house anymore. Sometimes it makes me cry. I know you will still be able to have lots of fun times with me and your Daddy. We both love you.")

There is so much more info in this book. It would take me forever to type it all. Hope the page I did type could be of some help to you.

K:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 1:36pm

I think you got some pretty good advice from the other posters. There are also books oriented towards children like "Dinosaurs Divorce", "It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear", etc., that may be helpful.

My divorce was final when my son was three (soon to be six). What I've noticed is that I've had to talk to him more than once about the divorce and why Mom and Dad live in two different houses. I was talking to his kindergarten teacher a few months back and she said that it was common for kids to bring it up again as they grow older as they can understand more later and end up having questions they couldn't even formulate when they were younger.

I've heard to keep it simple and to let your kid(s) know that the divorce isn't their fault. When I explained the divorce to my son, I kept it really simple and tried to let him know in advance how things were going to change. One thing I did when I moved was that I took my time doing it - I'd take my son over to the new house, we'd work on the house doing minor maintenance - sometimes I'd do some work and he'd play, and I let him pick out his new room. That seemed to help some.

Our big struggle right now is his Dad's gf has moved in with his Dad, they are engaged and are looking for a different house to buy - this is very stressful for my son! He has said he still wants Mom and Dad to get back together. I know he has fun with his Dad and the gf - they seem to be treating him well, but I think the 'unknown' is scary for my son. I tell him often that nothing is changing in Mom's house - I hope that since he spends the majority of his time with me that that will help.

It is hard as there are so many things not in my control. That was one thing that I did not anticipate when I was deciding to get divorced - how much my life would still be affected by my turkey-of-an-xh. It seems that I am the one having to deal more with my son's stress and misbehavior related to his Dad's life changing! (BTW: I feel sorry for the gf - I do not think she has any idea of what he did when he was married to me. I want to stay far away from her - I do not want to know her or like her too much as I do not think I could bear knowing the truth and keeping it from her. But that's a whole other story....)

My son told me a few weeks ago he wished that Dad, his gf, him and I were all living together! LOL! I can understand that he wants us all to get along and that it would be easier to see everyone as much as he wanted if we did that - but I had to tell him that wasn't going to happen. Of course, then I was dealing with "why?" I do still try to keep things simple and I know that I cannot tell my son (probably ever) why I did not want to be with his Dad - how could you ever tell your kid it was because Dad was doing something illegal?? It is hard to bite my tongue and remain positive - I hope his Dad doesn't get into trouble in the future and that he can be a good Dad to our son! I do want my son to have a good relationship with his Dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 03-17-2006 - 4:24pm

Hi Faith.... welcome!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~