Moms..we should all read this post...
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Moms..we should all read this post...
| Sat, 03-18-2006 - 7:35am |
OK, I just wanted to make sure all moms had the chance to read this post from justdi315:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=17014.9&ctx=0

That is so reassuring to hear. The day the divorce decision was made, my ex told me that if I didn't like things the way they were I should call a divorce attorney. I immediately replied that I thought that may be a very good idea. He quickly recanted and said, "So you'd get a divorce like that? What about the kids? How selfish of you!" and while I knew he was completely wrong it still stung a bit. Honestly if it was/is selfish (which I don't think it was) it is the one time I think I had the right to be. On top of that, I felt very strong knowing I would no longer be portraying a very imbalanced relationship to my children. I want them to know better.
Melanie
VERY true, and very good point. When I filed for divorce, I knew in my heart there was NO alternative. I had tried everything....separation...joint counseling...individual counseling. Even in the end, I offered one last round of marital counseling. Session one? "I can't make it, I want to play poker tonight." Session two? "Can you cancel the appointment tonight? I just got invited to go out and play golf."
And you are also right that BOTH partners have to be committed. One can't save the marriage alone.
Seems like it is such a long journey, though. It is hard to watch what it can do to kids. I talked to my son's teacher yesterday and she is starting to see him displaying anger in the classroom - I've been seeing a lot of anger in him ever since he found out his Dad is engaged.
Thanks for reminding me of what it would have been like had I stayed!
Sometimes I second-guess my decision (I seemed to make it so quickly one night even though I'd had a few years of struggling with the decision plus one year of intense counseling) and sometimes I feel selfish for saying I wanted the divorce. Sometimes it is hard to see him treating the fiancee so well. Sometimes I think *maybe* he would have changed if I'd given him more time - he says he's changed and I have seen *some* changes.
But I also can tell the ex hasn't changed in other ways that were very important to me as far as what I thought we'd need to make the marriage a good one. He is still incredibly selfish, doesn't follow through on his word, last I heard he was still looking at porn....it goes on and on.
I didn't get divorced because I stopped loving him....I did love him - faults and all - and I still do. I knew I wasn't 'in love' - but I didn't expect that 'in love' feeling to last for forever even if he did. But I knew that the way things were in the house, his refusal to make love to me until I could *guarantee* that I would not have any more PTSD experiences (I am a rape survivor and a survivor of child sexual abuse), his refusal to work on things and go to counseling, the refusal to really look at why he was using porn, the anger, fear and resentment were all causing the environment to be pretty toxic. I didn't want my son to grow up in an atmosphere like that. Plus, I was concerned because my ex had attempted to look at child porn the year before and I was scared to death he was going to do it again. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind deciding to stay in a situation like that - and yet from time to time I wonder if I could have *saved* that marriage.
I am seeing a psychologist these days and working on this. I am feeling better and stronger and not feeling quite so lost and confused.
It is hard, though - last night I took my son to a family party and then I had to go drop him off at his Dad's. And seeing the fiancee's car there (she has apparently moved in) and knowing they were going to be the ones tucking my ds in tonight - it really hurts! I reminded myself before I went to bed of what it was like living in that house and that she likely doesn't know about the porn and that if he hasn't changed much she is going to have an awful lot to deal with, but I still had lots of bad dreams last night. I was yelling at the two of them in my dreams and punching them. Maybe that's to be expected as I slowly let go of the *dream* of what I thought being married was going to be like. I know the reality was pretty damn ugly!
My parents divorced when I was very young - I do not remember them arguing in front of us except for one time. But when I look at some of the pictures from right before they divorced, the entire family looked so sad! My Mom ended up marrying a guy a few years later, but they fought so much, my siblings and I have a very difficult time with confrontations. I am glad I had the model of marriage I got from my Dad - he and my step-mom have what appears to be a mature, respectful and loving relationship that's lasted. I thought I had some reasonable expectations for married life from watching them, but if you've got a partner that is selfish, immature, irresponsible, and not willing to work on things - there's not a lot you can do. I hated "throwing in the towel" - but when I really put myself back into that moment when I made the decision, I can't really see doing anything different. As hard as it is for my son to accept his Dad's remarriage - I am crossing my fingers and hoping they do manage to make it a healthy relationship so that my son can see that. As for me, I think I've really written men off - I am not ever getting married again!
There are deal-breakers and they probably vary from individual to individual. Anyone that chooses to stay with an addict does have a very tough road. I think I feel badly about my divorce because I do think my ex is/was an addict and I feel that by leaving the marriage I broke my vow to stick by him through better and through worse. The last few years with him were definitely 'worse'. Maybe it is better to think of it as I chose my son and myself over the ex....things just did not feel safe to me!
He didn't know about the PTSD when he married me - I'd never dealt with the rape until after I found out about his porn habit - at that point we'd been married 7 years. The PTSD was never a huge problem - just something that I noticed a few times - definitely seemed to crop up more once there were problems in the marriage. So I don't fault him that much for not wanting to deal with them - he didn't know that beforehand. I just look at it as he was incapable of meeting some of the needs I had - and it doesn't necessarily make him a villain. Same could be said of me....I didn't know that he'd end up having a porn habit - if I had, I would never have married him. Once I found out, I found that I was not very capable of showing much affection for him and so I could not meet some of his needs - doesn't make me a villain.
You know, it is funny - I thought there were HUGE problems in the marriage....my ex didn't think we had many problems except that we weren't 'in love' anymore. He knew he was unhappy, but thought if we could find some way to feel the same way we did when we first met, then everything would be much better. According to him, my big problem was I wasn't 'romantic enough'. I do admit I had little energy for that.... I was taking care of our child - who at eight or nine months old started showing signs of being autistic - and I had virtually no help from him. He spent most of his time away from us. It really blew me away that he thought that all we needed to do was hug and kiss and act more romantic and everything would fall into place!
Last year, he was still trying to figure out what went wrong in the marriage...one thing he thought was a problem was that he 'married his best friend and not a strong love interest'. Because he seemed to go back so often to what things were like when we were 'in love', I do think that he definitely was confused about what love even is.
I truly feel like I needed to leave that marriage - but it is still a tough thing to go through it all. I have been surprised to find how much harder it was to divorce than I thought it would be. I have felt things I did not expect to feel. It hurts that it seems like he didn't feel much pain while I felt so devastated and that I was so *apparently* easy to replace in his life. I am hoping karma will someday bite him in the butt!
I am working hard on myself and working hard to put some kind of life back together that I will be satisfied with. I truly believe I have grown through the experience - and I am grateful for that! And no matter how tough things feel from time to time, I am so grateful to be out of that marriage from hell! : )
I did try to stay with my stbx. I had a chaplain tell me I should because he was trying to change (at the time it seemed as if he was) and this was part of my vow. I have a special needs child as well and I spent the first few years of her life dealing with it by myself. I was exhausted and emotionally wiped. My stbx isn't a horrible person. He has turned out to be a good dad and at times, a pretty good ex. He is just missing something inside himself that allows him to be happy. He has to constantly look for it on the outside. A big house will make him happy...a boat will make him happy...a blonde in bar will make him happy etc. I am not that angry with him because I really feel sorry for him. I am not perfect and brought my own baggage to this but sometimes I think if he and I had been honest about everything from the beginning, we would have had a shot at a great marriage. Other times I think he is just to immature and needs another 10 or 15 years before he can be in a marriage. Like you, my husband says he married a friend instead of a love interest. Funny though, when people would meet us, they would say that they envied how close we were and thought we had a perfect marriage. Looks are deceiving, eh?
Well this got off of the subject. I guess I just believe in marriage and keeping vows so I posted to say that a couple should really try before throwing in the towel. However, there are just those times when the other person isn't going to leave unhealthy behaviors behind and under those circumstances, I believe divorce is the better choice for everyone, even the kids.
Wow - thanks for posting that. I do not mind if it is 'off topic' - it is so helpful for me to read!
Sounds like our ex's are pretty similar. People thought that we were such a good match and thought we were really close, too - which we weren't. I, too, think my ex looks for happiness from outside of himself too. I know that inside, he is unhappy and in a lot of pain - but he hides it pretty well most of the time.
I know what it is like to deal with a special needs child with virtually no help from the spouse - my heart goes out to you!
I know that my ex is not someone I want to be with and I remind myself often - when it seems like my son is having so much trouble - that we are SO MUCH better off to be in our own home!
It does seem to me that some people give up so easily - I guess that's why I started wondering if I did, too.
Thanks for posting!
Abby