thinking, deciding

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
thinking, deciding
3
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 10:21pm

Many posts I've read say you don't love him anymore. What if you do love him?

I love him.

But he cannot live like an adult. He is 36 and cannot plan ahead, restrict his spending, etc. He won't go to counseling, marital or otherwise. He won't go to the doctor or the dentist. I keep feeling like we need to get the finances straightened out before we make any major decisions. But the finances never get straightened out.

He cannot plan ahead. He will not save money. He spends what he has access to, on beer or gambling or CDs or whatever. When we got married, I saved the agreed-upon half of the money for the wedding. He got to two weeks before the wedding without saving anything, and then took out a loan.

I'm 34, we've been married for three years, we just got notice that our house is in foreclosure. I deal with the bills - what I can. He just goes into denial.

I can't live like this forever. We cannot possibly have children in this out-of-control lifestyle. How long can I live like this without ruining my chances of ever having a healthy marriage (and children)?

I don't know if this is the right place to post this. I'm just really questioning whether divorce is where I should go. This is definitely not how I want to live my life. But I do love him and he is my best friend. Please help me find resources to make this decision.

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 6:37am

Wow...you must feel like your insides are being torn apart. No, you really can't live like this can you? Have you spoken with a counselor to help you decide what to do? Many towns have counselors that work on sliding scale. Some of us asked for our divorce and others had our spouses ask. The thing most of us have in common though is that there are issues that our spouses refuse to deal with. When you've sat down and put the cards on the table and your spouse refuses to take the issues seriously and change, what CAN you do? You have to decide which will be worse...living as things are or going through the initial pain of a divorce. Only you can decide that. There are some great books about all of this so maybe you can go to a bookstore one day and just do some reading. Good luck. I wish you a peaceful decision!

Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 7:24am

Hello and welcome to the board!


Making the decision to divorce can be truly agonizing. You didn't mention, but have you tried counseling? It sounds like that would be a goof first step for you. See if you can get your H to go. If not, definitely go yourself. It really helped me realize what I needed to to in order to move on and have a happy, healthy life. Does either your company or his have an employee assistance program? Normally, they offer a series of free counseling sessions. Also, Catholic Charities and Jewish Family Services offer counseling in many areas on a sliding-fee scale.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 2:01pm

Actually, I do have an employee assistance program at my work. Thanks for the idea - I will call them. I haven't been at this company long so that part of my benefits doesn't kick in for another couple of weeks. But I think I can wait that long!

Thanks for the understanding. I really can't talk to my sisters/parents/friends about this because, while they like him, they've seen my unhappiness (and resulting weight gain ;) and I'm afraid they would just tell me I should leave him. Plus I'm so ashamed of our financial situation, I really don't want to tell anyone I know the whole story.

Faith in marriage is a great thing ... up to a point.