How do you deal with your ex moving on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
How do you deal with your ex moving on?
15
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 3:16pm

I'm curious how everyone deals with their ex moving on. Does it hurt to see or hear of them doing special things with someone else?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 4:23pm

Yep - it hurts to see my ex treating his fiancee so nicely. It was also hard to see him be 'ready' to date only four months after I moved out. He was so awful to be with the last four years of our marriage. But then, I remind myself that he was very nice to me in the beginning, too. Things gradually got bad, then they got really bad! So, it is possible that he will repeat the same pattern with her.

It also hurts - bigtime - to let my ds go for visitation knowing he is going to spend it with the ex AND the step-mom-to-be. They have $$ they can spend on him that I do not have. I remind myself that my love and the time I spend with my son are worth a lot, too.

Part of the reason it hurts is that I was a SAHM for five years and I was not able to get back into the career I had before my ds was born - a decent one where I was making 50k+ a year. Now I am not even making 20k - but at least I've got some good benefits!!!! So I think having to struggle to find work, working to finish a second degree, having my ds the majority of the time can - when I let it - make me really resentful of the ex. I feel he did more to ruin the marriage, and yet he's got the job paying 100k+, plenty of time and money to go date, etc, not to mention he screwed me over in the settlement.

My psychologist and I discussed all this one day and what I can remember him saying that helped me was:

1 - it is Act I. If my ex learned nothing then he'll repeat the same mistakes. He will likely treat her badly after some time has passed. Karma will bite him in the butt eventually.

2 - So I got screwed out of $XX,XXX in the settlement - small price to pay to get my soul back! It was so horrific being married to him, I usually am extremely grateful to be out of that marriage.

I am still working hard on my anger related to having to share my son with another woman - that is what bugs me the most as I am not jealous of her having the ex. He was doing such horrible things when we were married, I feel sorry for her! I doubt many women would want my ex if they knew what he'd done in the past. I just sometimes feel like maybe I should've stayed - just so I didn't have to let another woman be 'a mother' to my ds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 4:46pm

Ohmygosh, abby!

I could have written your exact post!

I had to see my ex and his new wife being all lovey-dovey last night, and out came the resentments! I think I've gotten them put behind me and then something happens where I become upset again at how unfair it all is... I gave up so much, took so much ridicule and crap from him, SAHM wrecking my earning capacity, and he has now given MY daughter over to a new woman to raise! How can he be nice to her when he was so nasty to me? And I get mad at myself for letting it bother me!

Glad to know I'm not alone!
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 6:03pm

((HUGS)) to you, cupcake!

I recently had to see the 'engagement picture' in the newspaper. Ugh! I also had to see them acting like an 'in-love' couple when we met a few months back to discuss my son. Double ugh! I felt pretty angry and sick on both occasions - then I reminded myself of what he did when he was married to me (porn addiction) and then I felt so sorry for her! I am surprised anytime I feel any smidgeon of jealousy as I think he is such a selfish a$$. I didn't expect to feel that and it really caught me off guard!

I really hate having to share my son with the fiancee, but there is also a part of me that wants her to look out for my ds and keep him safe!

I am hoping that over time, things will be OK and it will get easier and not so painful. But I swear, dealing with what he did was probably one of the worst things that I've ever had to deal with.

I thought divorce would be easy - I am surprised how hard it's been! I did feel such relief and so free for several months - then when I started trying to figure out what went wrong and he started dating - I was surprised at how emotional I got.

Well - my ds just got back from his Dad's - toting along a late birthday present from the fiancee's parents - I guess it was from them. It is something that may be a bit beyond him age-wise. That's another thing that is hard to take - some people that I do not know are so anxious to be 'adoptive grand-parents' (the fiancee's words) and giving my son toys. I feel so sad and so sick about it sometimes. I do not know how to get past it. The fiancee said once that if it would help me, I could meet her parents. I just don't know what to think of that!!! If they were really nice - I'd likely tell them what the ex did and advise them to tell their daughter to dump him! It all just gives me the shivers...... I struggle with how to have some kind of 'normal' interaction with them all - knowing what I know about him!

Take care everyone!




Edited 3/21/2006 9:59 pm ET by abbynwb
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 9:16pm

My husband was on a dating message board within hours and out on a date by the end of the first week after we signed a separation agreement. I have to admit I didn't want to hear about it but it was very telling the I wasn't jealous of this new girl. I wouldn't have wanted to be on a date with him instead.

My gut initial reaction to him saying "he's found someone" was she will not come near my kids. I think that is my biggest fear not losing him but losing everything else. It's no fun to know about his dates and I may be jealous of the fact that he's moved on so fast but I know that I'm not ready and I'm better off not jumping in to something so quickly.

It also makes me question him and his neediness. I think I was a rebound 10 years ago and the fact that he seems to have gotten himself into an actual relationship within a week of our separation tells me a lot about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 8:14am

Well, I wanted the divorce... so when I found out that EX was "dating".... it was a huge relief because I knew that meant he was moving on.... and would be bugging me less ;-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 8:50am

in my case...no.
i was bothered when he started dating at first....because i knew that the woman he was with was not a for keeps kind of woman..big drinker,hung out in bars.....and that had everything to do with the kids. i now realize that it wasnt his intention to hold on to that one....lol
the woman he is with now, i dont care for personally(she use to flirt with him while we were married and treated me like crap) however, i see a good change in him since they began dating......and i am happy that he is happy! she does good things for him, the kids like her.....and thats what matters.
IMO its more about the kids than me.....by the time we got divorced, there was no love left at all,and hadnt been for a long time...i will always care about the father of my children, wish him no harm, and maybe thats why it hasnt bothered me that he dates....?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 9:08am

I know what you mean...I have been dealing with this for about a year now- it is so hard. I can't offer any advice though, considering I am not "dealing" with it in a good way- I still hate her, absolutely despise her and the thought of that {holding back obscenity} being around my daughter makes me sick to my stomach. In my situation, we were separated and were going to counseling and still trying to make it work, and we were still "dating"- well, he started seeing her and I basically told him he needed to choose. He obviously chose her. So I do hold a lot of resentment towards her. He is always telling me I need to be nice to her, respect her, blah blah blah...I kindly tell him that will never happen because she doesn't deserve my respect. I also tell him she will not be welcome at functions for our daughter becuase she is not family, and he says that she is just as welcome as I AM and that she IS family. He believes she's just as crucial in my daughter's life as I am, considering she will be her step mother soon. I refuse to be compared to her. As you can see, I hold some serious hatred towards her, I wish I could deal with it better. To make matters worse, I haven't moved on- he has moved so far on that I don't think he remembers even being married to me. So you aren't alone...it does hurt :(

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 11:37am

in the beginning it hurt so much, but after awhile the hurt changes into something else i'm not quite sure on how to explain it. i went from hurt to anger to depression to sadness and now i THINK i'm at peace. I know it sounds corny. but it's true. do i miss my stbx? sometimes i do. does it hurt to think about the two of them together having fun, while I work, raise kids, and all the stuff we do as moms? yeah it hurts but then I remember what an a@@*%! he will turn into when the newness wore off.
the thing that hurts me and makes me so angry at the same time is how the children are
treated by him.

I heard this quote somewhere either in a book or on Dr. Phil but it is so insightful.
" Time doesn't heal it is what you do with that time that heals"

Plus i remember all stuff that " I " have done with no mans!!
There was post on here about stuff you have done since D-day When I think about it, it makes me smile. Clean out the gutters and I'm scare of heights!! I helped FIL CHAINSAW at my house. LOL I have pictures!! He got me a pink chainsaw for X-mas!! lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 3:50pm

I heard my life in your response. My ex had moved on before I knew we were even over. He spent many weekends flying out to see her or her coming to our area and we had only been separated for a few weeks. Eventually, they both moved to another state to be close to each other. I was hurt at first, but now I realize that is how we ended up together. He was with me before he ended his last relationship. The pattern continues and he will probably do the same thing to this girl.

In the end, the only thing that upsets me is that his new relationship is more important to him than his dd. She only sees him two days a month. I would never give up my life with my dd for a relatinship. Whether it works out with this girl or not, he will never have the same relationship with his dd again. That is very sad for both my dd and him.

When I get jealous or resentful I think about how much I have gained by moving on by myself and not relying on a man to help me feel good about myself. I have my dd, a great group of family and friends, and a wonderful job. I don't know that I would trade any of that for a new relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 4:42pm

Oh, gosh, I can't WAIT for my ex to meet someone else!

I suspected he was cheating, and he did have an emotional affair, but that seems to be over. It took us so long to get a separation in motion that by the time the agreement is signed, I'm the one who will be anxious to get dating. Which now that I think about it will be very hard for him. He is jealous and possessive and not mature.

In theory, I think him dating will help him move on. The reality is, he is not very well equipped for a lasting relationship. So I don't really see him making any kind of committment any time soon.

SUsie

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