should I stay or go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
should I stay or go?
9
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 5:01pm

Help me! My husband just moved out. I am absolutely lost. We will be married for one year in June and he is not sure if he wants to remain married. Our problems all stem around his issues (mostly): sex addiction, narcissist and obsessive compulsive. I love and married him for who he is - bad and good. He thinks that he never will be a good husband and seems ready to move on. Should I continue to try to show him support through his problems or should I go?

Help me please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 6:30pm

Ok, this is just my opinion...LEAVE

I say this because 11 years and two kids after marrying a man like your husband, I am divorcing. I have been cheated on, put WAY down the priority list and made to feel as if I am frigid because I don't want to have sex everyday or during most of my period or when I have strep throat. Sure, I have my own issues (I stayed in this marriage, didn't I?) but when I talk to therapists about his behavior and things that have been said to me, they pretty much tell me my first misake was staying in the first place (well after marring him). Don't throw anymore of your life away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 7:53pm
OMG!!! You sound just like me...I've been married for 13 years and have basically the same issues you have, except in the early years of my marriage my husband forced himself on me. We've separated several times and I have stayed too. I have just started therapy and have yet to explore the reasons why I stayed. The bottom line for me now is am I still in love with my husband and the answer is a resounding no. Despite all his good qualities (a decent job with the Navy and duty in Hawaii, a good father, etc) I just can't get past the sex issues and can't think of any kind of intimacy with him.
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 8:45pm

Well, only you can make the decision, but I can't say that you've painted a very pretty picture in your post when it comes to describing your relationship. Have you considered marriage counseling to see if there is any way that he can work through his issues that you have mentioned so that you could work on being a stronger couple? If so, go for it, but if he's not willing to put forth some effort, I would be leary about doing anything other than preparing myself for divorce...

Hope to see you again... Keep us posted!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 6:55am

Where in Hawaii? My stbx was a Marine and we were in Okinawa. Anyway, if you want to talk privately, email me kbach67@yahoo.com. We can share/vent.

kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 7:18am

I'm sorry you are hurting so much! Was this move a shock to you, or had it been planned in advance?


It sounds like your H has a tremendous amount of problems, ones that need SERIOUS counseling. Has he been to therapy? Is he willing to go? If he is not willing, I would highly suggest that you try therapy. I have personally found it SO helpful. Take this time to care for YOU and try not to worry about him so much. I know that's easier said than done. Hang in there.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 12:23pm

Confused,

It sounds like I could be married to your husband's twin. I can tell you from experience, the situation doesn't get better. My experience was that I reached the point where I couldn't stand my husband. His sex addiction got worse and worse and he eventually started asking very "immoral" things of me. It caused damage that was beyond repair and reached the point the mere thought of being intimate with him made me physically sick. Regarding his narcissitic behavior, he totally stripped my self-esteem and I sunk into a deep depression where I didn't want to do anything or talk to anyone and became very lonely. That's how I ended up here! I promise if what you say is true about your husband, you are headed for a life of misery. The longer you hold on, the harder it will be to let go. My husband and I are still together and not a day goes by that I don't hope and pray I'll find the courage to just walk away.

If your husband is a narcissist, he will never respect you as that is how the narcissist thinks regarding women. You deserve more than that! If you end up having children (or already do) with him, think of the impression his treatment of you will have on your children. Do you want that for them?

I grew up believing people should stay married forever. I now know there are situations when it's best for the marriage to end. Again, the research I did on narcissim indicated there was no treatment and it is a sickness. Everything I read said to run as far away fro the narcissist as possible. From experience...it's good advice!

I would be happy to share more with you or if you want to simply vent, cry, whatever, feel free to e-mail me at lostheart2006@comcast.net.

Hugs to you and visit the board often. I actually feel a lot stronger and better about my situation since coming here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 3:12pm

You can support him.... only if he's supporting HIMSELF first.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 6:21pm

Thank you all for your great thoughts! My husband and I have been dealing with these issues for a long time but I never figured that separation would actually happen. I feel stupid since I want to help him out with this. He wants help for himself but not really to help our relationship. I understand that you need to help yourself first-love yourself first before you can love anyone else. I just wish that he seemed more interested in us as well. He did promise that he would give therapy at least two months before he decides to go forward with divorce.

As for me, I am going to my first individual counseling appointment tomorrow. We have already gone together (last night actually). I found out that he really had a tough childhood. He has a LARGE fear of being abandoned. Do you think that has anything to do with the sex addiction/OCD/Narcissism? The counselor said that he most likely does love me, just does not know how to love or how to be in a committed relationship....

All that I can still say is that I am still soooooooo confused. I am trying to support him - will he ever acknowledge that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 8:28am
Yes, most likely his childhood has a LOT to do with issues but at this point the whys don't really matter. You are on a slippery slope. You can't really get involved with his therapy and healing. I hope you are with a therapist that will let you know that. In order for him to be ok and for you to be ok either with or without him, you will have to disengage from him for a period of time. I know you might tell yourself that you are helping him by getting involved by you AREN'T. What's worse, you will harm yourself and any chance of this relationship surviving. PLEASE talk to your therapist about codependency and truly try to understand this concept. You do not want to go through all of this again after having children and several years of marriage. Understand that I am NOT saying this relationship won't work. It might. It will just be a pretty tough road and he has a LOT of work ahead of himself and it is work that he must do ALONE. Good luck and please let us know how you are doing!