Question for you men

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Question for you men
22
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 3:58pm

Background-My STBX seems to be having a much easier time dealing with this whole process then I am (even though I'm the one who was originally unhappy in the relationship). People keep telling me that he's just not showing his pain/fear/sadness, or just not talking about it, or he's compartmentalizing...but that seems like a cop-out to me.

Question-Do you think it's easier for you (as a man) to deal with your divorce then it is for your STBX? Do you show or talk about your pain/fear/sadness with your ex-wife (or with anyone for that matter--I guess besides us on this board! LOL!) Do you think it's easier for men to deal with this sort of thing then it is for women? Do you think (in general) that men just avoid dealing with it at all? Why does it always seem like it's easier for the man to move on?

Any insight you have on your "sub-species" would be much appreciated! Thanks!

xoxoxo,

Wendy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 3:43am

Wendy...

First...Pianoguy wasn't particularly thrilled with your "sub-species" term....even if if you were kidding! There are plusses and minusses when it comes to BOTH SEXES! So putting yourself (or your sex) on a 'higher plateau' doesn't make you look very attractive? .

Having said the above, I don't think it's necessarily easier for a man to "deal with a divorce?" But most of us aren't as conversational about the subject--while a woman is. A man might share a few personal thoughts with a close friend or family member, but most of us aren't going to 'broadcast them to the general public!'

I'll be honest with you. My 2nd divorce (which ended after 15 months of marriage) was more of a jolt than the end of my first marriage (which lasted 16 years)! Plenty of love, time, effort and money was invested to bring one of the sweetest women I've ever known into America. So after year #1---when I discovered she was seeing and "cheating" with someone else...the revelation came as one hell of a shock! Since there was no desire on her part to try and resolve the problem----(the lady gave me an ultimatum of accepting a 6-month trial separation or she'd just leave)----I filed for divorce, she signed the paperwork and that was that!

Believe me...the entire process was very painful (emotionally, financially, and especially when it came to trust)...so the LAST THING I wanted to do was bring up the whole story to friends, professional acquaintances and total strangers who saw how happy I was!

Perhaps the reason you "think" your STBX is having an easier time than YOU are...is because many men don't want to be as 'open' about their marital disappointments as women often have a tendency to be?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 5:46am

Not a man here but....

One thing I've noticed (and have had guy friends say this is true) is INITIALLY men can be relieved by a marriage/relationship ending (especially if they are the ones ending it). They think to themselves, "man I am going to have so much freedom. It is going to be a party!" They see only the good whereas we women are thinking, "What are the holidays going to be like? Who will love me again? How will the kids handle this?" Also, if the man was/is cheating he is usually relieved because now he doesn't live with guilt anymore. Fast forward...the woman processes the pain and begins to move on. She meets friends and starts building her life. Her self esteem returns. She begins to feel happy. Meanwhile, the lady the man was cheating with doesn't turn out to be such green grass or the nights out at the bar don't provide hot young chicks. He comes home to an empty house. He misses his kids. NOW he gets sad and starts processing it all. This has always been the case in any relationship of mine. The guys are just SO happy at first but I've always had them come back and ask to get back together or at least call me crying at some point down the road. Men don't talk about feelings and express themselves that much so even when they do feel pain, others won't really know it.

I know this is a generalization. Yes,there are some men that wear their hearts on their sleeves and some ladies that are cold as ice. But IN GENERAL, women process everything first and then move on while men start moving on and then process. We are just different creatures which is why there is so much traffic on this divorce board LOL!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 5:49am

One other thing...

Men more than women tend to blame any unhappiness they feel on their relationship rather than their own shortcomings. So initially they are happy about a break up because they think they are now going to be happy without the "awful" marriage/relationship. When they end up taking their baggage with them and are still dealing with their issues and life doesn't suddenly get deliriously happy, they can fall pretty hard.

Once again JUST A GENERALIZATION!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-24-2006 - 2:38pm

kbach...

PG agrees......your last post was definitely a generalization!

Once a marriage is over, many men have several "solo nights" to reflect about how their marriages unravelled along with the damage we contributed in messing it up! Hopefully, the mistakes we discover aren't going to be repeated again in a future relationship (or a 2nd or 3rd marriage)?

While many of us (both men and women) often wish we had the option of "waving a magic wand and undoing all the earlier mistakes we made"---this will never happen! So we can only acknowledge our past blunders and (hope to) avoid them in the future?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 11:51am

Wow Pianoguy, you aren't such a nice guy. When I said sub-species I was meaning to imply species within a species...as in distinct and unique within the human species. I was not meaning to say sub-par as in woman are better then men. I am sorry you misunderstood.

However, I have read a lot of your posts and you are continually mean and hurtful in the things that you write. So much so that I feel you change the supportive nature of this board. I have enjoyed my time here and I feel that most of the people on this board are kind and supportive but I probably will not be back b/c of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 1:21pm

Hey PG..... I was just re-reading your profile.... I'm going to get the Sun Signs book.... sounds really neat! (and sometimes I want something else to grab besides my deck of tarot cards!)


Interesting.... I always like male Cancers ;-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 1:35pm

Hi PG,
How are you?
I diagree with post that says you are not a nice guy. I have found you very supportive and kind and non-judgmental.
Of course, I haven't been on this board for over a year. Just checking in today to see what is happening.
I think it's wonderful that you even participate still, as I know that you have moved on.

How is your neck of the woods??
I'll write you personally later.
Take care,
maria

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 3:49pm
Whether PG is nice or not...who cares? Why should you decide to stay and go over one person? If you find everyone else supportive, you should stay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 3:53pm
Actually it's a generalization that most therapists give. However, I should state that it applies to those marriages that end because the man "just isn't happy anymore." I am not talking about the guys that are divorced because there were definitely major issues going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 4:28pm

scarlet777...

Most ivillagers who realize Pianoguy (after being an ivillage member for roughly 6-years) offers responses that aren't sugarcoated with "poor baby...the man was mean to you!" They are direct responses to questions and situations that other ivillagers (both women and men) ask on this and other L&S boards.

I write from one man's perspective...based on THE WORDS YOU USE! This doesn't mean you have to accept or agree with any of them?

Many ivillagers...who have also become close personal friends...understand this about the thoughts that I exchange. I've never implied that my words ARE THE ONLY ONES THAT MATTER? Others will read them, but they'll still make personal 'life choices' based on what their head (and heart) tells them?

You might have had a different meaning for the term: "sub-species"....but to me...it sounded like you were "slam dunking the entire male population" and putting all women at a higher level by using the phrase!

And I didn't care for it......

Pianoguy

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