Feel what you feel
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| Thu, 03-23-2006 - 4:18pm |
This is my first post.
It has been 7 months since he left, 5 months that I found out the truth of the OW. I have lots of friends, a supportive family, but I can't help feeling my time to be able to talk about it has past it's expiration date. I still need to talk about it, but the people around me, well, their patience is wearing thin. I read an article in the divorce section of this site by a psychologist that said she wished she could tell the world to never say to another person "Don't feel bad." I know everyone means well, but sometimes we have to feel what we feel. As if pain and sadness are unacceptable and only happy thoughts are welcome. I had a really good talk with a friend last night who said that this isn't a waste of time. The bad times, the sad times are valid parts of life. We are all feeling profound loss and pain and we need time to heal. I felt allowed to feel human, which was a small relief.
I just wanted to know there are others where I am. I am over the shock that I felt at first. I was incapable of getting through the day back then. I dropped to an unhealthy weight, I couldn't sleep. In my daily life I'm getting through, I'm moving anyway, but the emptiness and loneliness feel vast. I don't have much direction, and for someone that always had a plan, that's really hard. I feel like I'm waiting for the answers to come. I feel like an island even though I have so many people that love me. How do we find our purpose again?

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Hey there...
I'm glad that you decided to post and I hope that you'll stick around... I know what you mean about feeling as if it was past time to discuss with certain people... I got that feeling too... but then there were a few (and the fine people on this board) who are ~still~ willing to lend an ear when needed...
I completely agree with feeling what you feel and admitting it... I spent a lot longer in despair than most around me would have liked, but I knew I had to get through my time... and once I did I've been much stronger... once I got through that time too, there has been no turning back...
As for a purpose, I rely on my child for that one... He's right up close to the top of my list... I've spent a good deal of time reconnecting with old friends since my divorce too... that helps as it reminds me who I was before my marriage...
There is a quote somewhere that says that time doesn't heal wounds... it is what you do with your time that does that... I believe that is true... I understand not knowing what to do, but do try to start thinking of the possibilities to start mapping out a new master plan...
Hope to see you here again...
*hugs*
Julie
For starters... (((HUGS)))) I too am so glad you posted. Have you thought about seeing a therapist/counselor? Like you.. I have family/frineds to talk to however I'm finding therapy is helping so much. Something else I started this week was writing a journal. At 1st I didn't think it was going to help however it really has. It's allowing me to get my feelings out on paper.
I'm here if you need to talk.
Melissa
Thanks so much to my respondants. I guess I am doing everything I should. I'm surrounding myself with my friends and family, I'm seeing a counselor, writing in a journal, reading books to help me deal with my loss. I try to trust that this investment in myself will be rewarded with something wonderful in the future. I think the toughest thing is facing your life after marriage. What do you do with single you? I am a designer and often when I'm having a creative block, there is nothing so intimidating as the blank page. You are right though, I need to do my best to think of that blank page as more of a clean slate. That's much more positive.
The letting go of the old life is a struggle though, I'm sure you'll all agree. I was married only 15 months. Were together 6 and half years in total. It's hard to process that I am coming up on what would have been my 2 year wedding anniversary. All the happiness, hopes and dreams I think one feels when entering marriage are still so fresh in my mind that it's hard to see how I arrived here. Why do things change so much when you get married? I know I'm not the only one that only had one wedding anniversary.
"What you repress will become stress!"
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
No you're not only with only celebrating 1 annivesary. I served my SBX divorce papers the day before our 2nd wedding anniversary. This divorce was something I did NOT want but had no choice since he wasn't totally honest about himself when we met. We were together a total of 4 years, had a beautiful wedding and an awesome 1st anniversary. We had plans for our 2nd but that never happened. I'm still left devestated by this whole situation since this just happened less than 2 weeks ago.
Since we are going through similar sitations, if you ever want to talk or vent please email me. bellaluna327@hotmail.com
Melissa
HUGS! You are doing ALL the right things...counseling, journaling, reading, connecting with others....etc. Between those actions and time, you will feel better. You're taking the time to mourn the loss of your marriage now, which is a very important thing to do. And it doesn't matter if you were married for one year or 50, it is still a loss and very painful.
It does seem that every person you meet will have a different idea of how long is 'long enough'. For me, my divorce has been final for 2 years and 3 months. I still feel that there are some things I am grieving. I didn't want to be doing that, but looking back over the past month or so, I can see I was running away from it. I know that if I don't stop and take the time to feel what I am feeling deep down, it's going to keep nipping at my heels.
One thing that helped me was reading books about divorce (like 'Crazy Time') so that I could get an idea of what kinds of things to expect - especially concerning feelings. What I read is that sometimes you feel you've made big strides and you are past everything, and then something may occur that will bring up things from the past. The ex starting to date or getting married can be things that will do that.
I thought I was in a pretty good place 8 months after my divorce. I was so relieved to be away from the ex. Then he started dating. That hurt - not just that he was moving on so quickly (I thought it was quick) but also because he started missing time with our son so that he could go on dates and weekend trips. He had promised our son was his top priority - but he showed with his actions that was not the case. It hurt a lot.
Then there were also two occasions were it looked like reconciliation was a possibility. When I actually sat down and thought about it, it scared me. The first time, I didn't think he'd changed at all - I think he had just found out dating was not as easy or fun as he thought it would be. Then it happened briefly again after the woman he was dating for three/four months broke up with him. He appeared to be hurting pretty badly from it and I was wondering if he was going to approach me about it. Again, I was pretty sure I didn't want him back and he actually only thought about asking me to reconcile - he didn't do that and only told me much later that he had considered it.
Then a few weeks after the first gal broke up with him, he met the gal he is now engaged to. I really wanted him to move on and find someone else, so I was really surprised how badly that hit me. I think a big part of it is that my son is taking it so badly and he is taking it out on me. It also hurts bigtime to let another woman be a 'mother' to my son. I tell myself since they are not willing to spend that much time with my son, I am likely not going to be replaced any time soon! That helps. : )
I think trying to maintain a friendship with the ex - what he asked for as "for now, you're still my best friend" - was likely what got me stuck as far as moving on myself. I really got caught up in his manipulations and let him control me. Looking back - I can see that we interacted as though we were still married for quite some time! I am trying to leave that all behind.
He appeared to be mad when I said I only wanted a business relationship with him - but that really seemed to be the way to go for me. I try not to fight or otherwise engage in negative behavior with him. I have been making more progress lately on moving on. Maybe someday we can be friends - but seriously - he'd have to change a lot. One day my brother pointed out to me how badly the ex had treated me and asked me if I'd let a friend do that to me - I said, "No."
I sometimes still feel lonely. I cannot imagine ever being in a serious relationship again. I know I am still grieving my losses - what I thought I had and what I had dreamed of for the future. But I am also working on following through on the plans I made for myself and coming up with new dreams - that feels pretty good. It also feels good to stop every now and again and 'take stock' of how far I have come and what I have accomplished.
huge hugs....
you are in the right direction, cut yourself some slack. its ONLY been seven months since he left, and you have been delivered a huge blow. thank your lucky stars that you have friends and a supportive family, and come here when you need to vent about your divorce. i think its like anything else - its easier for people who went thru something similar to listen and to give you the precise support that you need. its like when my sister talks about her babies - my *baby* is 19 so i am so removed from talk about potty training. and SHE is removed from MY talking about problems with a teen. i mean - we can each hear the other out, and give some support, but its not the same as when i talk about my son with OTHER parents of teens.
I initiated my divorce because my husband was horrible and abusive to me and my ds (from a previous marriage). but even so ---- the DECISION was difficult, the actual DOING It was difficult, fighting with my ex over every single detail, the humiliation of going thru a jewish rabbinical court ( i live in israel and that's how they do things here), dealing with my DS who went thru a lot of issues (depression, he was suicidal, etc). The point is - doesn't really matter WHAT The circumstances were - we ALL go thru difficulties. you are doing the right things, keep it up...
First of all, hugs to you. I can feel the pain in your post and I can relate to so much of what you said. I remember feeling as if no one in my life could really understand, and they were ready for me to move on well before I was. I remember repeatedly saying to my best friend "I KNOW I'm not myself, but I will get there, I promise. I just need more time." There is no rushing the grief, the sadness, the anger, the pain. You have to walk through it to get beyond it. I would highly encourage you to stick around on this board. It was truly my salvation to have women who KNEW what I was going through. It makes you feel much less alone, and much less crazy. Just know that what you are experiencing is normal. I was also a big planner before my separation. It was so bizarre to me to be thrust into this experience where I felt like I was falling without a net. I kept trying to grasp onto something, and came up empty handed. I wanted to know something about where I was headed, but everything seemed so uncertain. I was going through a career change at the time too, and had to move from the house we had shared, back in with my mom at 27. Not fun. I ended up taking several months after the divorce where I didn't work at all. The only thing I really applied myself to was my last grad school class and healing myself. For someone who had been a straight A student, always working on the next goal, this period was hard. I spent DAYS, WEEKS just sitting and thinking. I would try to focus on something else and for the first time in my life, I COULD NOT do it. My emotions ruled my brain. It was so exhausting, yet I just had to go through everything in my brain a gazillion times before I could really move forward. My XH was not very communicative in this period (he initiated the divorce abruptly after 7 years together, and that was pretty much that for him). I look back at this period now as if my head was in the clouds....I just didn't feel like I was all HERE. I knew my head wasn't in a good place, but I couldn't force it. I instinctively knew that I would get back to myself, but it would take a while and the only way for me to move on was to acknowledge all of these feelings and deal with them head on. So I did. I cried, I yelled, I wrote about it, I read self-help books, I posted like crazy on the message board, I read posts for hours, I talked incessantly to my friends and family, and basically I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I tried very hard to appreciate the little things, and I learned who I was all over again. I discovered things I had loved but forgotten about, I found out who and what made me happy. It was a reawakening and in the end (for me, it took a couple of years to truly feel like "me" again- albeit a MUCH improved, happier me) I know that I grew exponentially as a result of the experience and despite the pain, I wouldn't have changed it. After so many days, weeks, months, of lows, I still pinch myself to this day because of how lucky I feel just to feel good. I finally got my focus back, got a great job in my field after a difficult search, moved out to a place I love, and ended a transitional relationship (that's a whole other story) that had been holding me back. I just want you to know that the emptiness won't be there forever. Some days it feels like a black hole, but if you just keep moving (and literally sometimes that JUST means getting out of bed and walking to the couch), keep processing, keep talking it out, eventually you WILL get better. You will find a new energy that propels you out of your jammies and you will slowly get back your confidence, your hope, your joy. I promise. In the meantime, I strongly encourage you to FEEL what you feel. You are right about that even if your friends don't get it. Get a therapist if they are too worn out to listen (many ppl find that highly beneficial). Above all, know that you are OK, what you are going through is a normal response to a very difficult life transition. I, too, made it only to one real anniversary with my XH. The fact that we didn't get to celebrate more does not make our pain less valid. I shared 7 years with him- the number of anniversaries don't make that loss less significant for either of us and that doesn't mean we should "get over it" faster.
Like I said, you WILL get there. Just hang on, take it one day at a time, and FEEL. If you need some more inspiration about moving on, check out this thread...I'm copying my post from a couple of weeks ago, but the whole thread is good.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=16956.10
Take care of yourself. Good luck.
Michelle
hi kd,
I'm newly separated and although there were problems for about a year (15 year relationship) and although I instigated the split, I am confused and today, very sad and sort of anxious. for me, I am worried about my 6 year old as well as my long term security. my ex and I have had 3 conversations in the last month+ about "trying" and "possible" reconciliation but at no time was he really being honest with me...I think he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. that makes me feel as if I cannot trust him going forward. and although I do entertain thoughts that we might one day reconnect before we divorce, I am certainly not counting on it. I have started a sexual relationship with someone else, which is comforting and certainly a great distraction, but still...I know what you mean when you write "how much can I talk about this with my friends?" I feel the same way. I have lots of friends and am very loved and supported and I am a strong woman, but at the same time, I feel a little lost...what's your story? do you have kids? are you dating? do you have any kind of relationship with your ex?
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