Pre-Trial Conference ...
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| Mon, 03-27-2006 - 10:12pm |
Thanks ... I have had access to a good library and have some research taken care of...I will do as much as I can before the trial. Talking to the Superior Court Clerk assigned to the judge presiding over our case has not proven to be very helpful thus far; she is nice, but seems hyper sensitive about 'giving' out legal information or 'advice. If you do not ask the question in precise language, or know exactly what you need, she will say she cannot answer you because that would be giving out legal advice....if you can tell her your exact plan then she will tell you the form number and the procedure for filing it, but that is it.
I was just hoping to hear some general examples of what other moms or dads had gone through in their pretrial conferences. We already went to a court appointed mediator, we exchanged interrogatories in the early months and his lawyer deposed me, though I lost my lawyer before having him brought to a deposition. We have had a full family psych testing and evaluation interview completed on both of us and the five children, and had one pretrial conference at the children's lawyers office three months ago. That one was very official and formal, focusing specifically on the custody issues. The judge was not present though, only the childrens' law staff and my stbx's attorneys, and me. I was absolutely not going to sign his 'offer' which was grossly, ridiculously not about the children's best interests at all, and not even possible to contemplate. And he completely refused to even begin to discuss any alternative. So aside from the children's lawyer getting a little info he prob didn't have prior to that time, it was not fruitful in any way. He has had three lawyers/ legal firms represent him thus far. I had one for the first five months of this process. It was at the point of my lawyer wanting to do the deposition on him which I was told would cost appx $5k more, that my lawyer withdrew from my case.
Btw, I cannot get county legal aid, as financial qualification is based on our combined income since we are still legally married. The Child Support Department is involved on his trying to get the current cs lowered, so at least there is another bit of information added to that, though they don't actually 'represent' the custodial parent, they are instrumental in trying to obtain the support I guess. The final divorce and custody trial date is in early June.
New this week: the kids told me a few days ago that he is planning to actually 'leave' at some point before the trial to go work on his/his parent's business in its new location in another state. I would think he must notify me in writing of contact info and the length of this 'trip' but so far he hasn't.
He will probably try something cute like sending me an email and saying his parents will take his 'parenting' time while he is gone or something (wrong answer), and will give me no, or very brief 'notice' that he is leaving. I am sure this also is just part of his plan...to leave me with the children 'alone' for six weeks or so to see if the truck will break down or there will be some 'emergency' which I do not handle 'right' or correctly so that he can use that in the upcoming trial. I hate that the children are getting upset though and obviously are strained that this is happening; probably wondering if and when daddy is going to come back...etc.
It sounds hard I guess, but I believe he has a choice; he is presenting himself as Mr. Wonderful to the kids and everyone else though...that he is such a man of honor, that of course he can not make a decision to stay here and get a job, rather than going with his/their family business to another state...'they' need him.
In my opinion, though it would be a tough decision for anyone; his life is at a crossroads and there are choices available for him to make, some hard, just like I have had to make, at this point in his life. He has many excellent business and personal contacts in this state; and I know, could get a very decent position here. He COULD choose to stay in this area so that he could co-parent his children instead of moving to another state and forcing his children to lose one or the other of us because he has decided to change things and seek full custody. Or at least, he could have 'delayed' the move another year until his personal issues of the children's custody and our divorce were finalized. Instead he CHOSE to allow his parents to set the guidelines as to what to do and when...so in the midst of the divorce he is also moving the family business.
It will take at least a year of hard work, and long hours no doubt to get the business transitioned successfully and off and running in another location...what is it he thinks he is going to do with our children for that year? His parents do not, nor have they ever 'watched' the little ones for any extended periods of time; and one of his parents is an active employee in their business anyhow. So obviously he will have to have substantial childcare and will not be with them very much himself for a fairly long period of time. How is that better for them? Especially coming through this mess of what will have been 18 months of the divorce process by the time of the trial, each delay having been asked by his lawyers 90 more days at a time stretching it out and out and out. I think the kids would best be served by seeing some normalcy and a WHOLE lot of loving support, ie one or the other of us being there as much as possible especially in the ensuing months after all this turmoil.
In the next few months, hopefully with some counseling, they will begin to feel secure again and like they 'know' what is going to happen next, ie who they will live with primarily, and when they will have visitation with the other parent etc. Hopefully they can just concentrate on being a kid again and settle into a more happy summertime this year as we all move ahead with our lives, however different that is definitely going to be. My offer has always been one that put the children's interest first as much as I could...near 50-50 co parenting, which means an ongoing, meaningful relationship with both of their parents and extended family.
I think he started thinking after I filed, that somehow his chances of getting custody would be enhanced by his 'having to go with the family business'...*shrugs I am not sure,nor do I spend much time these days analyzing his thoughts or cares to be honest. I spent so very many tears and years of my life trying to do everything better, and trying to figure out what it was I could do so that he would be 'happy'. Anytime I did figure out something, the rules and perameters changed. I now know that was because it was power-over, control issues essentially, and I never had any real input on those because they orginated within him...I was just part of what he owned and managed. As long as I stuck with his program, he was in control and the rest of the world thought he was a teddy bear. But people can be very, very different in private. And he is totally cognizant of what he did and is still trying to do. Sadly enough, I used to hope he would find someone else he wanted to control more than me; now I just hope he will want to get help someday, and NOT find some other woman to own.
He has told the children in the past week that he is 'leaving soon, but his friends and lawyer will watch over them 'if their mom, who is so undependable', cannot handle things. He told them 'not to worry', that he would be here for the actual trial and that they would no doubt be moving to the other state once school is out. *Sighs.
I don't know if he is leaving, or when, but I wish he wouldn't be saying those sorts of things to them. That just adds more insecurity by trying to fake to them he is sooooo certain he is going to get custody. What is it he is thinking when he does this? So great, now they can subconsciously worry that they will be leaving mommy in two months, instead of worrying about 'which' parent they will be leaving in two months....argggh. I just tell them that the decisions are not yet made, that we are working to try and finalize everything by June and that we will be needing to have some information from the 'judge' to help make such an important decision since daddy and I cannot communicate very well (as they more than amply know...)
Thanks so much for the encouragement ... this group is wonderful~ Annah.

annah...
Your post is a little too long. But Pianoguy would like to pass along 4 important things you might want to consider?
1. The county clerk can only describe the format of the pre-trial hearing. Beyond that, NADA! Simply because it's not her job. The judge assigned to the case will 'weigh' the issues and offer a ruling.
2. You can get input from several EX-COUPLES about their pre-trial hearing...but this isn't an indication that yours will turn out the same way?
3. Your husband and you should decide which issues are most important to each of you and agree to compromise BEFORE YOU INVOLVE THE LAWYERS! They charge by the 1/4 hour and will be happy to run up a sizeable legal bill. If you (and your soon-to-be-EX) can work out the disagreements in advance...and get the particulars written down...the cost of ending your marriage will be considerably less!
4. I know it's difficult, but try to get over the emotional "second guessing!" Don't play the "he'll probably do this to me and the children...and I'm really p**sed at him" game? THIS SOLVES NOTHING! Go into the divorce without hysterics or overreacting to stuff that hasn't happened!
You want the best settlement possible and you want your children to be happy....correct? THEN KEEP YOUR COOL! HANDLE THIS SITUATION WITHOUT "BAD MOUTHING" YOUR HUSBAND, A FAMILY MEMBER OR MAKING ANY ATTEMPTS TO PREDICT THE FUTURE!
Pianoguy
I just wanted to add my two cents.... if my EX said that he was planning to be gone for a while and that he'd arranged for someone else in his family to cover his parenting time.... I'd be ecstatic!
I can't tell you how many times he backed out of "his time" and left me hanging at the last minute with plans of my own, so if he took that initiative... allowing me to have my time to do the things that I need... and want... to do, that would be a "right answer"!
Just my thought on that part.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~