Longest Post Ever/PianoGuy...
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| Tue, 03-28-2006 - 9:11am |
***An Even Longer Post; Probably The Longest In ivillage History***
Its good for me to read posts from different points of view, and many of yours offer different angles to be looked at. I appreciate you taking the time Pianoguy, to provide some feedback. I guess I needed to vent a little, sorry for the overlong post. I still have just as strong desire as ever to have my children get whatever the 'best' is out of this mess. I have had difficulty expressing any anger at all because of the ongoing fear of 'losing' my children to his financial wherewithal. And maybe I have been fighting a losing battle, but I made the choice out of love. Some say if you love your kids that much - well, you would not divorce. And that is exactly how I felt for the past 6 of the 16 years we were married. You make your bed, you lie in it. You do whats necessary for the best of the children, then when they are older, you get out. I just couldn't last long enough PianoGuy.
I actively speak highly of their father in front of them, and what I say here may not reflect that and how I try to support their relationship with him. Because here is sort of a 'safe' place to ask questions or vent, even non-practical ones, as we are many of us just going through a painful place and need the feedback because it helps us get past the pain. Its great to read and find information here, amongst people who do give the 'straight' scoop sometimes and not just what you want to hear, lol. The encouragement to just keep keeping on is really great to be able to get here also.
I wish I could have been stronger, sooner. I wish I could have figured out how to please this man who I though loved me but who was often so displeased with my actions. A relationship breaking apart is never just one partner's fault, and I want to own my wrongdoing. I am still trying to piece together what all that was; but I also see how much I contributed now, and that I loved with a 100 percent heart and mentality for as long as I could. I spent years feeling like I was letting him down, and I focused on measureable things I could 'improve' about my personality or daily life so he would approve, even though I did wonder why if he loved me so much before, what I did along 'the way' which made him want to spend the rest of our lives 'fixing' me as though I were 'broken' somehow.
I willingly have 'given' the children a sense that their father is good from the first day that I filed, that he loves them; that we both do but just cannot have a relationship with each other. I have never assigned 'blame' either really; just say after much work, we cannot figure things out. He and his family have spent many a convoluted idea on 'why' your mother ripped this family apart; it is from him and them that the children have some sense that there is a really undependable thing about their mother...it has been hammered into them this last year that if I would split up the family, I obviously don't love them enough.
Since I have seen some poster's here list the heck they went through as a sort of basis for why they decided to divorce, here is mine: The truth is he is a controlling person, extremely controlling, but very much able to hide his true personality in public. He is a verbal abuser, not in the sense like every couple where you argue, cool off and then later discuss things and work out solutions. That is not what a verbal abuser does, nor does it happen usually fast enough for the partner to figure it out immediately so she cna say "Hey, I don't deserve this! Stop treating me this way."
It is not just that the partner is a doormat...I wasn't, I had a confident and happy personality when we met, dated and married. It was the slow toll over the years of being ignored, denigrated, isolated from friends, told that I was so loved by him but that I must 'try a little bit harder', accused of being too 'sensitive', and then hearing denials of the actual things which he said to me days later, or told that I misconstrued it and I had no real reason to be upset about it. No, it is insiduous and after a couple years, you second guess yourself so much, you are not sure if he maybe is right or if you are maybe imagining it.
He, and his family for that matter did not accept the diagnosis of a special needs child--for seven months I was told that was my imagination also, that I was just a little overworked and that the child would 'grow out of it'. I finally 'disobeyed him' and took our son to a university research center to a specialist. There was continuous delaying of getting help and insisting I continue on with homeschooling the five children, and take on discreet trial training/ABA cloned table work and therapy in the only ways I could devise for our autistic son, special diet changes, vitamins and mountains of research to find out how we could 'help' him, without 'allowing' me to get help through the school district or the 'government'.
He was little help in the day to day lives of the children--lol, actually a hidden plus in this stupid year long divorce has been his decision to play superdad...the children have gotten so much more from him playing his legal games...he had never taken them to a beach though we live 2 miles away, he had literally not taken us out as a family to any real restaurant EVER. His parents took all of us out about once every two or three months, but he didn't take us. He had literally only ever taken the childen to a neighborhood type park two times in our whole marriage; thought that was a boring idea...this year he rides a bicycle with the older ones and take the little ones to parks sometimes.
He was always working, or it would be too 'hard' with the little ones; we would 'do' it when they got 'older' etc. So I did it, not as much as a 'normal' family, but I took the kids to parks and events, or I stayed home with our special needs child when he and his parents would decide to take the other children somewhere occasionally. All the years of the sports coaching he said was for our oldest child --- no it wasn't --- it was for HIM.
He was an awarded tri-sports athlete in highschool and never let go of that fabulous time of his life I guess...so the coaching was because he loved it, not for our son, who would have loved to have quit earlier than he did since his father was never, ever supportive of him, called him names and found fault with him since he tried to teach him how to tie his shoes at age 4 and the kid took a couple weeks to 'get it' and then he never tied them 'tight enough' to suit his dad...acck, I could go on and on. Also, no matter what achievements he did make in athletics (which were not superstar but he did get awards and enjoyed team sports and tried hard at it) --- few accolades from dad there either because after all, sports was in his family genes don't you know, and he SHOULD have excelled more, he of course just 'didn't try hard enough'... either as he wasn't the jock/sports star his father had been.
He was working in a family business long hours, and for about five months of each year being gone with his personal enjoyment of being a volunteer kids sports coach, and being mad at me all the time because I was not submissive, and HAPPY to be submissive. He is a hypocrite...he talks negatively about other people and what they wear and do in public, when he does some of the very same things behind closed doors. He was into more than just occasional porn for entertainment, using both our and the childrens computers I eventually found out. Though our lovelife was quite, quite active--- he just liked the extra S&M babe-watch stuff with women who, by the way, wouldn't breathe the same air as him in real life anyhow...and he paid, using our family budget to do it.
Yet as I got 'out into the world' and made friends online and began to be exposed to women of strength and men who actually were friends with these women of strength, met a few people who lived their principals in life *EEK LIBERALS, not just sit in their recliners hollering at the nightly news reports...lol...he told me I was becoming too 'worldly' .. too exposed to the world and I needed to forego the internet and all the reading I was starting to do and refocus on being a Godly wife and mother. Humm...
I cannot fight or counter most of what he and his family spend time putting on the children though since I basically agree with the courts admonition not to discuss the divorce issues with the kids; I don't want to put yet more on their plate. I don't care about who is to blame since I know the story; I just think they are too young to be told the imaginings he comes up with.
I don't think it serves any purpose for them to be having to spend emotional energy 'figuring out whether mommy or daddy is the 'bad one". I want some idealistic, "it sucks but my parents just can't be together anymore" to be the main idea they get with this divorce, and then I want to support them as they go on with their childhood. I send them off and say 'Enjoy your week with dad; give lots of hugs! Tell me all about your fun when you come back!"
I don't do that because I am completely without concerns about his parenting --- I think he is too harsh, makes anyone related to him 'earn' his love -- he is all about conditions in every one of the relationships he has as an adult that I am in any way aware of - former spous, parents, children and also friends.
He is in complete denial about much of his life, and he relies on parts of a religious ideology which uphold his investments and control in everyone in his life, while mostly ignoring and invalidating any of the more 'recent' part of the foundation of said religion. *Shrugs...he and I aren't going to ever have a meeting of the minds on this issue. He thinks I believe in a God of wussieness who is all love and forgiveness and encouragement with angelled pathing through life. I think he believes in a set of rules left over from ancient history which affords him 'rights' which no one should have over other human beings, which he hasn't earned and certainly doesn't deserve. But then, I imagine that both of us are a little bit 'off' in our estimation of the other, else we would still be living in said toxic relationship.
Simple, short explanation for my post: I want to be divorced from him. I want the children to have whatever amount of a healthy relationship with him they can carve out over the years; I believe its important for the children to have as much love as possible in their lives and to have a relationship with both of us. I am very capable of discussing the childrens needs, interests, and life in an ongoing way IF he communicates fairlyl strictly about them and them only, and does not continue to denigrate me.
I think there is no best scenario, but the best among the current choices is a shared parenting situation. He wants to move three states away and take the children with him. I am well aware of why he really wants to do that; but the reasons he is using in this legal battle and in front of former friends and neighbors is not obvious. He cannot own me any longer, or the children as he used to, so he is fighting for any little part of his former kingdom he can get, then wants to go on with life, erasing this nasty piece of divorce history and keep on pretending.
I am not unfit now nor was I for the years that I was a homeschooling suzi-homemaker killing myself to jump through all his hoops because that was the primary mode for me to get any approval at all from him. The kids did well with it until the last year or so, and it was a good choice for our family for a certain period of time; but he thought it should be forever, regardless of other needs, or individual issues related to each child.
I thought all I could do would eventually be enough and that he would be happy. I stopped smoking when I became pregnant with our first child. I never became grossly overweight as he did during the marriage; I tried to be well read and kept up with current events. I was romantic and I always 'tried' to do better whatever his criticisms of me covered at any particular time. I listened to his estimation of me for so long and I loved him so much, that I thought he and his family were right...I was just tainted somehow and never would be 'good enough'. Know what? It never was about whether I actually did meet the standard...the standards would change because THAT IS HOW CONTROLLERS CONTROL.
I love the kids, I have fought through so many crappy 'legal' things and child support-related bull he and his well-off parents have done 'to' me and the kids these 14 months because I know its the best I can do for the children, and I want to. But sometimes it is so hard; it seems never ending, and I run out of steam. Did I know this would be the situation when I decided to file? I didn't know the details, but I knew it would be horrible. I knew of his families money, their view on divorce and their own issues of controlling him, so I was aware it would not be a 'live and let live' year.
It took me years to find a voice and realize that in the midst of problems you can responsibly make a choice...you do not have to wait for the most perfect scenario or list of alternatives. There are no perfect ones when a family is dysfunctional. I worked on myself as much as possible, loved the children and protected them from as much of what was going on as I could. Then I listed pro's and con's and took on the mountain...am just not to the other side yet. Hoping the children have both of us and a reasonable chance to go forward in a healthy way, despite being children of divorce...Looking for Peace, Annah
Edited 3/28/2006 10:19 am ET by flalass

Annah....
Quick reminder from PG:
You can't go backwards and make the past disappear. You can only move forward and create a better future.
It's great that you've "found your voice"----but try to project your thoughts in the courtroom as calmly and consisely as possible? Judges only want to hear the important issues connected with your unhappy marriage. And they'll often get a little frustrated if you nitpick over everything and everybody!
In other words....keep your venting in the courtroom to a minimum, okay?
Pianoguy
..... which is why I love the message board AND am an advocate for journaling ;-)
There are lots of great avenues to vent, sort it out, etc.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Although it has been a LONG, hard road for you, in the end, I think you are very fortunate to have gotten away from your STBX. Based on what you said, he not only seems manipulative and controlling, he borders on being emotionally abusive and mentally ill.
And please....make your posts as long as you want....there are no length restrictions here ;)
Thanks PG, and all...
I know the value of brevity, and from having served almost 12 years as a journalist in the military...I am fairly clear on how to be concise and to the point when I have to be...*winks... I know that is hard to tell from the novel's I've written here! I am so blessed to have found this message board...and I will keep learning about myself and how really wonderful people are and life can be for the children and I. PG, your mention of not being able to erase the past resonated with me today.
One step at a time, looking for good, and dealing with whatever comes along...I am finally learning that the sky isn't falling and I am not that 'chick'--- was it Henny Penny?...*Smiles. Thanks so much. I promise, only one novel a week or so from me!! Peace, Annah.