Normal? 2nd Thoughts?
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| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 10:07pm |
I had an affair. I wanted a divorce. Planned for it. Asked for it. Moved out.
It's been 3 long, ugly months. My husband did the actual filing. My son (13yo) chose to stay w/his dad. I get him sporadically, anywhere from 1-4 days a week. My whole life has changed. And I do know it is my own fault. I'm a mom w/o a family (husband, kid, pets) to take care of. Because of husband conflict a work, I've lost my job. I have a room at my mom's house, not my own house anymore.
I do know that things will never be good in the long run for my husband and I. There have been problems for 6 years. He will never trust me and I can't say I blame him. On my side I know that when things are tough in my life, he will not be supportive at all. He would expect me to be a mom/chef/maid for him.
But now I'm wondering, did I do the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? I do still love him. I've been with him since I was 16. I'm 33 now. My son and husband have asked me to come home. Or to their new home. ( Our house has been sold.) Could I just be missing the comfort level? the stuff?
Has anyone else had 2nd thoughts? I imagine thats just natural, right? Any ideas how to be strong through the duration?
Any thoughts will be much appreciated.
Twinkle

Of course it's normal to have second thoughts. This is/was a major relationship in your life.
Did you guys ever go to counseling? Did you sit down and really see what the issues are and try to resolve them? I am a huge believer in trying to make the marriage work. Any relationship is going to have issues and before anyone moves on, I think a commitment deserves a second look (especially when children are involved). I don't know if your husband can forgive you or if he can make some changes but I would certainly give therapy a try. What do you have to lose? If it doesn't work, at least you know you really tried (this is assuming you guys didn't go to therapy before). Of course there are times when you give counseling a try and one or both of you just don't change or make the marriage a priority. Sometimes you don't have a choice. You are the only one that can know that.
Good luck!!!
We tried counseling several times over the years. I think it was always one of us dragging the other there. We never could both be invested at the same time.
Thanks
kbach, VERY good point. I think that at first, I definitely kept looking back, and not ahead. When we dwell on the past and don't think about how our lives could be in the future, I think that keeps us stuck and possibly longing to be in an unhealthy relationship.
In counseling, my therapist would ask me to describe my ideal life. When I did, I realized it wasn't that outrageous! Sure, I haven't been able to do everything because of time and money constraints, but I think when you look to the future with a positive open mind, it's so helpful.
Hi twinkle!
Maybe you're both at a point now where you've both willing to give counseling a try.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I'm with you. My husband of 13 years and I have been separated for months now and while I initiated the split because I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore, I sometimes feel like it's not so bad to be with him...you know?? I think I'm missing the financial security he provides and that I don't have to work when we're together. There are some days I feel like I really want to date, get the divorce and just get on with my life so I guess I'm saying yes I think your second thoughts are probably normal.
Melanie
Thank You
I think I'll just lay low for a week or two and try to figure things out. All day I've been trying to remember all the bad things about him. Then I wonder if they were really all that bad.
twinkle
here is some advice:
let's say that this isn't 'second thoughts' at all. let's say that you were in some kind of difficult marriage, you had an affair and wanted out. you've been with your husband since you were a kid - you've never had to 'manage' at all on your own. so - of course you are scared. and now, your whole life has changed. its not just about <> i think its probably more like you feel that you have jumped (or been pushed) off a cliff and there is no safety mattress. you've been married since you were young, i am assuming that *he* took care of *you* - and now, at 33, you feel that you have 'nothing' - no family, no money, no home. EACH of these is enuf to cause a lot of stress - and you have to deal with all of them.
so here are what i think: take some time for yourself, find a therapist and get to work. start by exploring your*self*, your life, your goals, where you want to be. you need to grow up - on your own. then - there is time to discuss whether you and your husband will get back to gether or not, and of COURSE you would not be able to do that without therapy. but that is down the road a bit. take this time for YOU.
good luck