Normal? 2nd Thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Normal? 2nd Thoughts?
9
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 10:07pm

I had an affair. I wanted a divorce. Planned for it. Asked for it. Moved out.

It's been 3 long, ugly months. My husband did the actual filing. My son (13yo) chose to stay w/his dad. I get him sporadically, anywhere from 1-4 days a week. My whole life has changed. And I do know it is my own fault. I'm a mom w/o a family (husband, kid, pets) to take care of. Because of husband conflict a work, I've lost my job. I have a room at my mom's house, not my own house anymore.
I do know that things will never be good in the long run for my husband and I. There have been problems for 6 years. He will never trust me and I can't say I blame him. On my side I know that when things are tough in my life, he will not be supportive at all. He would expect me to be a mom/chef/maid for him.
But now I'm wondering, did I do the right thing? Am I doing the right thing? I do still love him. I've been with him since I was 16. I'm 33 now. My son and husband have asked me to come home. Or to their new home. ( Our house has been sold.) Could I just be missing the comfort level? the stuff?

Has anyone else had 2nd thoughts? I imagine thats just natural, right? Any ideas how to be strong through the duration?

Any thoughts will be much appreciated.
Twinkle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:43am

Of course it's normal to have second thoughts. This is/was a major relationship in your life.

Did you guys ever go to counseling? Did you sit down and really see what the issues are and try to resolve them? I am a huge believer in trying to make the marriage work. Any relationship is going to have issues and before anyone moves on, I think a commitment deserves a second look (especially when children are involved). I don't know if your husband can forgive you or if he can make some changes but I would certainly give therapy a try. What do you have to lose? If it doesn't work, at least you know you really tried (this is assuming you guys didn't go to therapy before). Of course there are times when you give counseling a try and one or both of you just don't change or make the marriage a priority. Sometimes you don't have a choice. You are the only one that can know that.

Good luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 1:15am


We tried counseling several times over the years. I think it was always one of us dragging the other there. We never could both be invested at the same time.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 6:20am
Well then why don't you go by yourself just to have someone help you figure out what you want? If you want to be divorced, it will be easier for you to go forward with it if you have YOUR goals in mind and know what you want for your future. I think we tend to want to go back more when we don't have a picture in our minds of what our future will look like without the "family". My husband is the one that cheated (more than once) and over this years has wanted out, then back in etc. I know the best thing for everyone given his inabilities to be in this relationship is to divorce him. Still, it is hard on me when he talks about regretting what he is doing. However, I did go to counseling (and will be going more) and have a plan for myself. I have new friends and worked hard to establish a new life. So, when he starts talking about regrets, I do have a tug at my heart (especially because we have two little girls that I would LOVE have grow up in an intact family) but I can handle it because I have plans for my new life. Also, I've spoken to therapists that believe he won't change and believe I don't have a choice. So, when I feel that tug, I can remind myself of my new goals and that his feelings for family are only short lived. Does that make sense? Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 7:55am

kbach, VERY good point. I think that at first, I definitely kept looking back, and not ahead. When we dwell on the past and don't think about how our lives could be in the future, I think that keeps us stuck and possibly longing to be in an unhealthy relationship.


In counseling, my therapist would ask me to describe my ideal life. When I did, I realized it wasn't that outrageous! Sure, I haven't been able to do everything because of time and money constraints, but I think when you look to the future with a positive open mind, it's so helpful.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:26am

Hi twinkle!


Maybe you're both at a point now where you've both willing to give counseling a try.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 11:59am

I'm with you. My husband of 13 years and I have been separated for months now and while I initiated the split because I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore, I sometimes feel like it's not so bad to be with him...you know?? I think I'm missing the financial security he provides and that I don't have to work when we're together. There are some days I feel like I really want to date, get the divorce and just get on with my life so I guess I'm saying yes I think your second thoughts are probably normal.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 8:20pm

Thank You

I think I'll just lay low for a week or two and try to figure things out. All day I've been trying to remember all the bad things about him. Then I wonder if they were really all that bad.

twinkle

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 6:53am

here is some advice:


let's say that this isn't 'second thoughts' at all. let's say that you were in some kind of difficult marriage, you had an affair and wanted out. you've been with your husband since you were a kid - you've never had to 'manage' at all on your own. so - of course you are scared. and now, your whole life has changed. its not just about <> i think its probably more like you feel that you have jumped (or been pushed) off a cliff and there is no safety mattress. you've been married since you were young, i am assuming that *he* took care of *you* - and now, at 33, you feel that you have 'nothing' - no family, no money, no home. EACH of these is enuf to cause a lot of stress - and you have to deal with all of them.


so here are what i think: take some time for yourself, find a therapist and get to work. start by exploring your*self*, your life, your goals, where you want to be. you need to grow up - on your own. then - there is time to discuss whether you and your husband will get back to gether or not, and of COURSE you would not be able to do that without therapy. but that is down the road a bit. take this time for YOU.


good luck


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2006
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 1:06am
So what happened to the guy you had the affair with? And it is normal to have second thoughts, but what made you have the affair in the first place?