Things got real messy....please read

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Things got real messy....please read
16
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 8:38pm

Things got really messy this week/weekend for us. My stbx violated the military protective order again that said he's not allowed to see the OW. Now he's restricted to the barracks here on base and has to visit our daughter in the duty office. Myself and my friend took my daughter (2) to see him tonight and he requested that I leave, I agreed to leave, on the condition the visit was supervised by my friend.

My stbx's sister-in-law called me today to threaten that she is willing to morgage her house if need be to get my stbx an attorney and prove me to be an unfit mother and take my daughter away.

When I spoke with my stbx briefly at the supervised visitation he said he wouldn't try to take our daughter away from me unless I gave him a reason to. He also said he still agreed to the terms we've already stated in our separation agreement that we are waiting to get a draft of. All very good news, however, he has no grounds to even think of taking our daughter away from me...I am not only an awesome stay at home mom I am a certified daycare provider with an outstanding performance record.

I want to trust that my stbx wouldn't try anything stupid with regards to our daughter, however, the threat from his family makes me want to require all visit be supervised for a while! My stbx told me to draft something up about visits and he would have someone look at it before he signed it. If he's willing to violate a military order to stay away from the OW, why should I trust his signature saying he will return our daughter to me?

My daughter and I are getting ready to leave VA for NC in a little over a month. I feel that once we are down there and see less of stbx things will cool down and he may be willing to speak to me again. At this point he won't hardly even speak to me in regards to our daughter. At this point he says that if I need to contact him I am to call the SDO (staff duty officer) and have him contact my stbx.

I understand that my stbx is seriously upset with me for passing along information proving his misconduct and violation of the order to stay away from the OW, however, what does he expect me to do? Just look the other way? He was suppose to be with our daughter until 10pm yesterday (Friday) and left at 8pm after we got in a discussion...he admitted to sleeping with the OW and I got VERY upset. He was admitting that to me so that maybe if he was honest with me I would plead for leniency on his behalf in his charges from the USMC. Then after he took off at 8pm he went to the OW's house yet AGAIN!! This does not sound like a guy that is taking the charges from the USMC very seriously and I definately won't be pleading anything on his behalf. He's so ticked off with me right now because he made me promise not to use his confession against him and I did...as well as I caught him at the OW's house last night and made his command aware of it.

What a mess. Right now I'm only concerned about my 2 year old daughter and what is best for her. Visiting her father in a office is not the best for her! There are no toys, food or anything other than a tv, chairs and desk. Tonight while he was with her he gave her diet soda and they watched Spongebob...which is fine, however, I can only imagine taking her ther to do that with him for 20 minutes very rarely.

As her mother what am I to do? Today he blew off his 10am visitation with her...then at 6pm when he got in trouble by his boss and told to remain on base he requested to see her! Like I'm suppose to jump at his every whim. It honestly was like taking her to see her father in jail. I asked him when he wanted to see her again and he wouldn't answer! He said he wasn't going to talk to me. After we left I found out he had told my friend who supervised the visit that he wanted to see her at 10am the next day at the same location.

On top of all this...I have surgery on Monday and my stbx was suppose to take me and then stay home with our daughter through my recovery...now he can't even leave the base so he can't do that...not that I'd trust him to do what he should be doing while I was incompasitated. I have called my Grandmother to drive down to help out.

Some part of me still wants to believe my stbx is a good guy, yet all the facts point against that. He's not honest, loyal, responsible or even respectable at this point.

She's two years old, loves her daddy and is used to seeing him daily...what am I to do? What is in her best interest?

Thank you for your help and guidance.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Sat, 04-01-2006 - 9:54pm

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear about your stbx's behavior. My opinion is that you should limit your daughter's contact with him until he gets himself together. It is one thing when a kids parents are fighting, it is another when a soldier disobeys an order to stay away from a person and is then detained for that reason. I really doubt you have anything to fear from your sister-in-law's threat of getting a lawyer if things are as you describe them. You stbx is in trouble and you should keep your daughter away from that trouble until things have been sorted out.

At least that is one guy's opinion.

Good luck,
Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 9:18am
Michael,
Thank you for your response. I just wish I could get him to level with me and talk about what is best for our daughter right now. I'm suppose to take her to see him at 10am. We'll see how that goes.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 9:22am
I don't know. I guess I don't understand why you reported him. Didn't it just really complicate everything? I mean he doesn't trust you and you don't trust him. The best thing for a little girl is to have her dad, as long as he isn't harming her. What are your options for working that out?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 11:46am

I reported him because that is my right and he is blowing off his visits with our daughter to visit the OW and then making it out like I'm not allowing him to visit our daughter. He can't keep getting away with trying to run the show his way...he can't blow off agreed upon visits and then expect me to make our daughter available at his every whim.

The phone bills were reported bc I don't have the money to keep paying for him to go over our minutes calling the OW and he kept denying calling her when it was obvious he was. I cancelled his cell phone to nip the problem in the bud.

I took our daughter to see him at the duty office and he chose not to visit her because I brought her. He is expecting someone else to bring her to him when it is at his convenience. He has outrageous expectations.

He needs to realize this wouldn't be happening if he wouldn't have gone outside the marriage, end of story.

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Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 12:14pm

I don't think you can fully understand why she reported him unless you've lived under the military system. . .and even then you might not agree with her decision to report him.

Having lived under that system (and I do mean 'under'. . .as in under their control), I understand the frustration of being the one who does follow the rules and does what she's supposed to do when your stbx doesn't follow the rules set by the system he got you into in the first place.

And yes. . .my opinion is biased and I DO still harbor resentments towards the military for condoning my stbx's affair with a co-worker while he was in a war zone and for allowing his girlfriend to be the one to meet him at his reunion ceremony instead of his children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 3:13pm

I think that's a valid point. It is very hard to understand the intricacies of a situation (such as being a military family) unless you have experienced them yourself.


Also, to justme06, don't listen to your SIL. The first thing people like to threaten mothers with is the loss of their children and home. It's a scare tactic to try to make you agree to things that are unreasonable.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 7:07pm
I am a former military wife and my husband was a pilot. Affairs are "overlooked" and there is a good ol'boy system. I know it well. They create an environment of cheating. Also, I DO NOT condone her husband's behavior OR the fact that he is sneaky and tries to lie at all opportunity. He is wrong. I am NOT standing up for him. The problem is he IS in the military system. Hurting his career doesn't help anyone. He needs a paycheck to garnish. He needs to move up in the system to have MORE money to garnish. Like it or not (and believe me, I think it is wrong) when an spouse/ex spouse reports on the military member, it puts her/him on the radar as well. This is not where you want to be. Please know that I am not trying to be mean. I am just saying that sometimes you have to look at the long term picture. If there were no child involved and no alimony or anything was needed then hang him out to dry for sure! Somehow though, a working relationship has to be established for the sake of the child. This does NOT mean he gets to call the shots. If he blows off visitation then he doesn't get to make it up at his whim. However, if he will be a father, the opportunity needs to be there.
I could destroy my stbx if I wanted to and yes, there are days I want to. However, it is in the best interest of my girls to have a working father that pays child support and one that is in their lives. It is best for my girls to have a mother and father that aren't constantly fighting or ignoring each other. Of course there are situations that make that impossible for some people but sometimes, for the sake of the children, we just have to let things go.
Avatar for virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 7:23pm

We will have to respectfully disagree then.

When you say 'let it go', you are in essence 'standing up for him' because by letting it go you (and everyone else who says let it go) continue to allow and condone inappropriate behavior.

Maybe I'll be able to say 'let it go' when I'm a few years down the road. . .but right now, not a chance in hell was I gonna 'let it go.' My stbx had an affair overseas. It was covered up. He was allowed to have his girlfriend at his reunion and his children were NOT invited to said reunion by his unit (using me as the scapegoat.) He spent the first four days he was 'in country' with his girlfriend instead of seeing his children, even though our son's birthday was in that time period.

His unit did nothing, said nothing, and condoned it all. They not only condoned it all. . .they are sending him to Officer Candidate School next week.

I, on the other hand, was told to mind my manners, keep my nose clean, pay our bills, care for our children, be a good wife, and not cause the unit any trouble while my stbx was deployed. I did all of that, while working towards a PhD. . .and what thanks do I get? I'll tell you exactly what I got. . .after standing by a man for 15 years of service to include 3 one-year deployments in 4.5 years I was told to 'let it go' when he abandoned me AND his children for a 26 year old female National Guard member.

Maybe I'd have been given more respect by the military if I'd been an officer's wife. . but not as an enlisted spouse. We're a freaking dime a dozen.

He has now fought me on my rights to a share in his military retirement AND is fighting me on remaining in the house we bought less than 2 years ago.

He may have been the only one to sign on the line, but he wasn't the only one to pay the price. . .and *I* followed the system's rules, he didn't. Forgive me, and the OP if we actually expect the system to give a damn about said rules, us, and our children.

Maybe you're right about the 'long term picture' . . .but I sure as HELL understand the anger and frustration she's feeling. I'm sorry you can't.




Edited 4/2/2006 7:25 pm ET by virgogirl914
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 8:59pm

When did I say I didn't understand the anger? I TOTALLY get the anger. I've been cheated on and *FOR ME* I would have loved to slowly chop off his private parts and then hand them back to him in a jar to keep as a reminder. The lack of integrity and character makes me ill.

However, there is reality. The military system won't change. They will always publicly say they forbid infidelity and privately, it will be overlooked. The squadrons, units and such will protect the cheater. Believe me, it makes me ill. However, if I tried to destroy my stbx's career, it will negatively affect my children financially. If I rage against him and start a war, my children suffer. If I talk negatively against him, my children will eventually resent me. Quite frankly, he isn't worth it. I am looking after myself and my children and that means making sure he has a paycheck to give to us.

I wondered why Justmee reported her loser not because I don't think he deserves to rot but because I couldn't figure out how it HELPED her situation. To me, that's all the matters. Being a part of the messed up system, I wondered if it would cause more trouble for her than it would help because now there's the chance his unit will resent her and make things difficult for her and she has his crazy family to deal with AND she has to worry about him getting revenge on her for what she did. I do NOT question the anger and whether he deserves to be in trouble!!!

We all bring different experiences and emotions to this lovely divorce table. I understand that my initial post seemed unsympathetic to her. I didn't mean for it to be. I just don't want any of us to "cut off our noses to spite our faces." Sometimes you can win the battle and lose the war. I meant no disrespect for anyone's opinions or emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 9:05pm
I completely agree with you kbach. I too understand the knee jerk reaction in reporting him and getting him in trouble, but I agree with you that if his career is destroyed it will definitely impact the OP and her children. The best revenge is in the wallet.

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