First Weekend "Alone"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
First Weekend "Alone"
5
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 5:43pm

Hi. This is my first message to a divorce message board and I am just hoping to get some reassurance and support. Although my STBX and I haven't gotten along for two years, and we've discussed dissolution for the past year, this weekend hit me hard. He played mental ping-pong with me for a year and we almost got divorced last June. Then we hit rock bottom and he broke down, and professed that he wanted to be with me and move on. We sold our house and moved into our dream house (house...not home). Two months after moving in (with me doing almost all the packing, unpacking, and cleaning) he told me "I'm miserable, and I don't love you!" Then he would go back and forth constantly, telling me he was just angry and then back to saying maybe we should split. Anyway, to make a long story shorter, he bought a house on his own and moved a few things and himself out Friday. Although I thought I would feel "better" knowing that we had made a decision and I wouldn't see him sitting on the computer/couch each night ignoring all of us, it's still so difficult. We hadn't done anything socially in a long time, haven't slept together in months, and basically argued all the time. I feel so lonely and afraid. I have never lived on my own, and feel that I won't be able to set up a new house when I get out from under this one. I can paint and move small boxes, but that's about it. I guess I'm fortunate in that I have a good job and health insurance. We also have quite a bit of equity in this house. But it seems so much more final now, and the dissolution papers are drawn up and ready to be signed. I break down crying in front of my three children and I can barely get through my day teaching young children. It's just not what I thought it would be. Although my STBX broke down sobbing about a week ago and apologized for not trying and for harboring anger so long, he seems to be moving on better than I am. He's physically able to take care of household repairs and he has his father/employees to help him move/paint/etc.

I'm sorry for whining. I just need to vent, and I can't cry to my children and my few close friends all the time. Is this normal? To feel such devastation, fear, loneliness, and even embarrassment? I have a professional job and I know everyone will be asking what is going on and what caused it. Does anyone have a good reply for good-natured nosiness? *sigh* I never thought I'd be divorcing. Thanks for listening, Jo Anne

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 7:16pm
It is SO normal!! BTW, my husband moved me to a new home in May (I did most of the packing/unpacking) and then announced he wanted out in November. I am now in ANOTHER house (after packing and unpacking). You can take care of yourself and once you grieve and process the total shock of everything, you may find that living on your own makes you feel powerful. Don't get me wrong. I think it is awful for marriages to break up. But, you've been on Mr Toad's Wild Ride for a long time (I was on it for quite a while). After the shock of everything you may find yourself really enjoying peace and your new power. Just give it some time and keep venting. It just takes some time to process and deal with everything!! I am sorry you had to come here but it will get better!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 5:50am

I agree with kbach. It does get better and soon you'll realize that you can do more than you think. It's a "one day at a time" kind of situation. It sounds like your fears aren't about losing him, but about making it on your own. Wouldn't you rather be on your own than in a loveless marriage? At least now you can have a chance to find someone that you really love and who really loves you.

As far as people asking you what's going on with the divorce, just tell them that you don't want to talk about it and leave it at that. It's none of anybody's business what's going on!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 3:31pm

Thanks to both of you! It was so good to get some affirmation and a positive reply to what I'm going through. I felt like I was all alone. Actually, I still feel that way as most of my friends are married (and busy), and my parents just don't understand. But it's getting better as I adjust to being here with just the kids, and doing things without a husband. But...it's been that way for a long time. I've always taken the kids and done things with them. He stayed home to play on the computer, or said he wasn't into those "kiddie things." Hmmm...now that he's out of the house, he's upset and says that he misses me and feels despair and physically sick. I can't even feel a justified "I told you so". I don't want to get back on the "merry-go-round" as it has no destination. It would just be more of the same, I'm afraid. He's not into self-reflection, counseling, or even some medication for his depression.

Anyway...thanks ladies. And sorry I didn't get back sooner. My old 9 year old computer went on the fritz, and I just got a new tower! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 7:11pm
I know what you are going thru. My husband recently told me that he loves me but is no longer in love with me. I have a 2yr old to take care of and am having a really hard time just getting thru the day. He is talking separation and is dead set on it. Won't go to counseling with me. But I will go alone anyway, for myself at least. I feel utter despair. I love him so much. I married him at 19 and we have been married this june for 14 years. I feel like my heart is being slowly ripped out of my body. Today I even begged him not to leave me. Which is very unlike me. I want to give him the space he needs in hopes that he will miss me and come back. But what if he doesn't? I have crying fits and sometimes can't stop. So you are not alone.. I guess misery loves company.. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 11:32am

Lola,
I'm sorry for what you're going through. It is so hard to go through, I know. Just try to take care of yourself. Long soaks in the tub, a glass of wine, nights out with friends, a walk, a drive to get an ice cream, a good book, etc. If your DH is set on it, then there's nothing you can really do about it. Begging, pleading, whining, reasoning...all those things don't work because he can't see that the marriage can be helped. He only sees that he wants out, and that he can't take his own guilt. I think men (and women) distance themselves and try to ease out, so they don't feel so guilty when they finally do. I know that my husband did that, and asked me to seek a divorce. Now that he's bought another house and has moved out, he's suddenly sorry for the way he's treated me for years. He's thinking we can have another chance, after I gave him dozens of chances. So, now's it's MY fault that I didn't take him up on his offer for dinner a few weeks ago. You see, he had secretly decided he was going to give it his all, put his ring back on, and forget getting another house. But I didn't jump on his half-hearted offer ("I don't have anyone to go to dinner with....") to go out. Tired of jumping, you know?

I guess I'm trying to say that if he's ready to go, there isn't much you can do. He has been mulling it around for a long time before he finally voiced his thoughts. Try to take the high road. Men want what they can't have. If he sees you moving on and adjusting, he may come to his senses. If he sees you angry and whining, he may be glad he left. My advice to you is to save up some money, get your finances in order, seek legal advice (and get a GOOD separation agreement), take some time for yourself, let him see the kids as often as possible, and try not to argue in front of the children. The children are aware there's a problem, and they are worried about the situation.

Hang in there and be strong! If it doesn't work out...there's someone else out there who would want you for your beautiful, loving, intelligent self. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Good luck!