He's so unreasonable
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| Sun, 04-02-2006 - 8:23pm |
My husband has threatened to divorce me since the second week we were married. When we first metmarried I was attending night classes on Wednesdays to complete my degree. The first night of class after getting married, I spent our regular break speaking with my instructor about a project and didn't have time. When I got home that night, he had a bag of clothes packed and waiting for me in the living room and told me I needed to leave since I didn't call. Yes, he's a narcisstic, insecure control freak with a huge ego...bad combination. Unfortunately we didn't date long enough for me to realize it.
I've stayed in the marriage for five years with the entire time being similar to what's been described above. I've had a problem leaving bad relationships in the past as well. I'm at the point I don't care anymore and realize I don't love him, probably never did. I don't think he loves or cares about me either as he is so quick to say he's going to divorce me and treats me like crap. I accept responsibility for staying in the marriage by choice. Because of the way he is and his history with ex-wives/kids, I've refrained from having children with him, buying a house/major assets or getting into deep financial debt so I'm very fortunate in that regard.
He's in our home state this weekend visiting his son for his monthly visitation. I don't go because I work during the week and he has Sunday and Monday off. He gets angry because he has to drive 4 1/2 hours after getting off work at 10:00pm to pick his son up at 8:00am. I respect the fact that he visits monthly rather than going to a holiday vistation only schedule but he punishes me because I don't go...his exact comment is "you could at least go to help me drive and taken some of the burden off during the day". His son is a typical, hyper, 9 nine year old boy. Every time he goes back for visitation, he gets fussy and picks a fight and we end up more miserable than normal for the time he's gone. After a particularly bad night last night, I didn't call him throughout the night to make sure he was awake and check on him, I'm tired of being yelled at and told how horrible I am. Of course, he got mad and couldn't understand why I didn't call. He sent me a text message that read "I'm sick of this sh*t...you need to go." When I called to find out exactly what it was he was sick of, he threatened me not to push his buttons or he would serve me with papers and a 24 hour vacate notice. He says all of this, and then can't understand why I don't break my back trying to make life better for him and us. We both work full-time+ yet I take care of all the household duties. He has no responsibilites other than work and his visitation with his son. He says I do nothing to make him want to stay or be nice to me. I'm refuse to bargain for his affection. I believe if he loved me, he would want to be nice to me and wouldn't have to try.
I have no desire to be married to him yet for as long as we're under the same roof, I prefer the situation to be tolerable. I do my best not to fight and can typically refrain from arguing back. I admit there are times when he pushes more than I can take and bite back, but I've learned it's just not worth it.
I've done pretty good at not worrying today and focusing on other things rather than how miserable it's going to be when he comes home and how I know my phone could ring at any minute and I'll get another butt chewing. He just sent me another message that said I have no interset in being married as I think only of myself. How can he say that when I try and take all the burden off him so he has no worries other than having to go to work? He has no responsibility other than that! It's not even worth the battle of trying to get him to see that as he never will.
My question is this: What's the best approach for keeping the peace when he gets home? I don't want it to seem as though I'm cowering down as it's time I stand up for myself and my right to be treated with some respect. I don't want to fight or even talk to him but I know that will only aggrevate the situation. I just want us to be civil to one another until I get out. It won't do any good to tell him that as I've tried...he thinks I need to "pay" for wronging him. (my wrong was to make him go by himself this weekend, and the fact that I didn't cook dinner when he got home from work at 10:30 on Thursday night). There is no hope for me to be happy in this marriage. He isn't willing to go to counseling and says the only way it will work is if I conform to his ways. I don't think that's fair and is something I refuse to do. I will lose my identity if I do it.
Any suggestions? (Thanks for letting me vent)
| Sun, 04-02-2006 - 9:18pm |
| Sun, 04-02-2006 - 9:24pm |
