Should I Feel Guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2006
Should I Feel Guilty
2
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 9:45pm

I'm sitting here trying to put together a plan for moving out and filing for divorce. I went apartment hunting today and found a couple of options and am now working on the budget for furnishing it. I'm not sure I should take any of the furniture: 1) I don't want to fight over it and 2) am confused as to whether or not I have a right to it.

My husband pays 80% of the monthly bills and has for the majority of our five year marriage. As a result, I've been able to stash a considerable amount of cash that he has no knowledge of. It's to be used for my retirement however as I didn't start saving until I was 31. When we got married, I got rid of the majority of my furniture as I moved into his place. Throughout the five years, he has paid for all new furniture out of his own pocket. (We keep separate accounts, he gives me money for most of the bills which I then pay from my account). Along the way we've racked up about $12k in attorney bills fighting his ex-wifes over miscellaneous issues with his kids which I've helped pay.

I would like to take some of the furniture so I don't have to pay to completely furnish a new place. The only thing I will have is a 10 year old television. I feel guilty for thinking of doing so since he paid for the items as well as the majority of the bills during our marriage while I've managed to save money for my future. I've put up with a lot of verbal abuse from him and have worked full-time by choice so I can have my own money and not depend on him to support me (he's had a six-figure income three of the five years we were married and complains because I do work and am not there to take care of his every whim). I take care of all the household responsibilities and spent two-years cleaning up his debts before we met (maybe I'm trying to justify taking some things?)

Should I feel guilty about taking a few things? I know if I do he'll throw it in my face that he paid for it and most of the bills. How do I combat the guilt trip?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 10:11am

Hi!


Ya know.... I'm one of those guilty feelin' folks, too, however....... if you've supported 20%... then I think it's fair that you should at least be entitled to.... 20% (but if you live in a community property state, your attorney will advise you that you are entitled to 50% of everything acquired during your marriage).


I say.... talk to an attorney and find out what you're legally entitled to... then, you can decide what seems fair for you, after all, you're a nice person, things just didn't work out, and you're not trying to take him to the cleaners. BUT.... I do suggest asking for more than you really want.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 2:07pm

OK, I am one of those guilty-feeling people, too, so I should take my own advice here...LOL! Some tough love for you .......FORGET this whole, "I paid 20%, he paid 80%, etc....." There are many other ways to contribute to a marriage besides finances, and you did your part. What about stay-at-home moms that never had a job and then divorce? Since they didn't contribute financially to the family, does that mean they get nothing? No way.


I have let guilt rule me during the divorce proceedings, and I'm paying for it now. DON'T do the same! You're entitled to start your new life without a huge struggle. And speak to an attorney to put your mind at ease.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson