how do I tell the kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
how do I tell the kids?
6
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 8:53pm
I posted earlier (maybe I WON'T survive..) but forgot to ask my very important question.
My kids are 5 and almost 4. They are very bright, and intuitive. My husband is gradually moving out throughout this week and will be officially out by the weekend.
the girls already sense something...I have had no patience, been crying all the time, he NEVER comes home before they are in bed, and leaves before they are up, we sleep seperately.
Anyway, even my youngest has started to question things. They have both been acting out and being weepy.
I am at a loss for words. HOW do you say the right thing? How do I not break down? I have to do it by myself b/c he doesn't even want to tell them, like they won't see it, duh.
any advice is appreciated....I don't have much time, I have to tell them before Friday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:20pm

Good luck with telling your daughters. Please do let us know how it goes and how you decide to tell them. My daughter is only 2 and she has spent much of her little life without her Daddy so when we move I don't think she'll really notice him gone much as long as he talks to her on the phone and stuff like he would while on a trip. I hope with time we'll just adjust to the new way of visiting and relating.

I'm looking forward to hearing the others replies to this question.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 7:58am
I have a five year old and a two year old. I read the divorce book by sandcastles before I told my girls. I think it changed my perspective on how to handle things as well. I basically told them that daddy and I had been having a lot of problems and had been trying to hard to fix them but it just wasn't working so we thought we could be better mommy and daddy if we didn't live together. I told them about where he would live and where we would live and acted very excited about the new places. I reassured them that we both loved them VERY much and would always be there for them. The thing with kids our age is the basically want to know what is going to change for THEM. You may not be able to reassure them about your husband so just make a big deal about how this won't change your relationship with them. The book was good for difficult situations like you are facing. I borrowed the book or otherwise I would offer to mail it to you. Most of the kid books out there are too scary for our age kids in my opinion. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 8:17am

Hi,

My daughters were 7 and 3 when we split up. My ex and I decided that I would tell them. The three of us went out to one of their favorite restraurants and I explained to them that their mother and I love them more than anything but that we just could not live together in the same house. I tried to make their mom's new apartment (I kept the house) sound as great as I could. It has a pool! An excersise room! Tennis courts! etc.... This seemed to make the move easier on them. Later they missed having their mom around the house (my 3, now 4, year old could get particularly upset) and they missed us all playing together. Now that is been over a year, this all seems normal.

That being said, my advice is to tell them in a space that they feel comfortable in and try to make this seem as positive, or at least as less negative, as you can. I know that this is hard on you but their feelings have to be more important right now. If you can avoid it don't let them see you cry and try to keep them away when your stbx is moving the last bit of his stuff out.

Good luck with this and know that it will eventually get better.

Take care,
Michael

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 8:21am

GREAT suggestions, Michael. Making the situation sound as positive as possible is very helpful. Unfortunately, I ended up having to tell my son alone, because my STBX couldn't commit to a time to come home to tell him jointly. But I drove him by our new apartment, told him he'd still be at the same school, and he'd even be a couple of houses down from one of his friends. I tried to make it sound like an exciting adventure.


Answer their questions as honestly as possible. They may have a lot of questions, or they may simply just sit there and absorb what you've said. Just provide lots of reassurance that no matter what, the two of you love them and will continue to provide for them and take care of them.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 12:11pm

thanks to all of you for your replies. I feel better informed with all the advice.
FYI...my STBX and I are going to have a family dinner w/ them and tell them tonight. I am going to pray for strength..the hardest thing for me will be just not breaking down in tears. I actually think (maybe wishfully) that they, at least my oldest...might feel a sense of relief. No more of us bickering and arguing, and seeing me cry everyday. My youngest is very much a Daddy's girl and it's going to suck. I am just going to try to be super supportive and help him see her whenever possible and keep the calls going and stuff.

I'll let you all know how they take it.
thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 11:24pm

Ok, OK.... sorry I'm late chiming in here... but you're right!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~