Just wondering
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| Tue, 04-04-2006 - 9:18pm |
Do any of you feel before you were divorced that you just weren't sure???
I will be married 15 years this Oct. We have a 6 year old son. Our marriage is OK but I really don't love him anymore I do to a point, he says he loves me. We are best friends. Do people stay just because? Because it's easier? I'm not looking to leave because I have a boyfriend or because I want someone else.
My reasons are probably the dumbest yet to an extent. I was almost 21 when I met him and I have never been on my own (well I can't now because I have a child) but I mean on my own just me and my son). To just be able to come and go as I please.
My life isn't bad. My husband cooks for me does the yard work but he can be a jerk (like most I suppose). He supports me with a really good job. He doesn't stop me from buying stuff. He doesn't like it when I go out with MY friends so I haven't but that is one of the things that has been bothering me for a few months now. I work also. I resent him because I had to go back to work even though he makes good money, but he's so greedy it's not funny. My mom has never ever liked him. She has given us a lot of money that she didn't have when we were starting out. She thinks he's ignorant which he is. I have gotten verbal abuse through the years. But he's never beaten me if he did that would be a no brainer for me I'd leave. I know that verbal abuse is just as bad but its not really bad either.
I guess is it worth getting a divorce over childish stuff? Or are these things people just go through in marriage? I really believe its easier to stay. I'm an Administrative Assistant so I don't make much money plus I don't have benefits with my job my husband has great ones which I need because I have a real mild case of MS. Nothing to speak of I've been doing great for 11 years now with it. But it's still out there.
I have talked to a therapist and she told me if its not causing any problems with your son (meaning if he doesn't notice your little fights here and there) then stay. It's not as easy as it looks she said.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you

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Personally I'd stay based on what you wrote. I'd get in marriage counceling and focus on making it work. I may be speaking out of the regret I have for letting my marriage cross that point of no return.
Good luck.
I would say try marriage counseling first and see where that takes you. The only thing that really concerns me about your story is the verbal abuse (I think the other issues can be worked through with a good therapist). My hopefully STBX verbally abused me for five years. As long as you allow him to talk to you that way, he will. Please, please talk to him about this issue and bring it up in counseling as well. If your son is witnessing these verbal abuse attacks, he may grow up thinking it's okay to treat women that way because that's what his Dad did. Be sure to address that issue with your son.
Keep us posted.
Yes, it is stupid to divorce over stupid stuff (ie I don't love him anymore). Love is not the same bright spirited spark it was in the begining, it is more like a friendship. Your child deserves the best you can give. He did not ask to be brought into this world you just brought him. Children deserve a two parent family whenever that family is not destructive to him. You need to figure out how to stay and take care of you at the same time. Many women get wrapped up so tightly in the marriage and motherhood that we forget who we are. I am glad to see you are getting therapy. They should be able to help you find yourself. I say these things because my husband walked out on me because he didn't love me anymore. Now everyday I have to watch my boys suffer because of it. They are both very angry and sad. Most of the time it is inconsolable. I just have to stand back and watch their pain. It is tearing me apart. Please think hard and long before tearing your childs world apart.
I am going to recommend a book. It may help you decide. "Love must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson.
I wish you the best. Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
TO ALL,
Still not sure how to do this, to post to everyone.
I needed to post hear since I see both sides of the coin. Where I may think this is easy go to a lawyer get a divorce like magic but you are all the reality and how hard it is esp. when children are involved.
Thank you all for your support you have really helped me focus so much better on the smart things that I need to worry about.
Its funny but I agree with you all. Your post really hit the nail on the head sort of more then the others but its true the stuff that didn't bother me before now does. Like the going out with friends when I was dating him and even in the beginning of my marriage I never went out with my friends for fear that I wouldn't see him as much.
I really can't get the feelings back that I once had. I often think maybe I wasn't the marrying kind. Counseling wouldn't help me honestly it does a lot of people but I know it wouldn't for me. My therapy alone has helped me and I've stopped seeing her for some time.
Problem here and I didn't mention it before but during Xmas he cheated on me with a women 20 years younger. He told me only because we were playing truth or whatever and I told him I cheated on him in 2003 we were going through some hard times back then. Mine wasn't to fall for this guy mine was because I never had done it with anyone but my husband. Unfortunately he fell for her and even wanted to marry her??? Can you believe this and he turned it off so easily? I think she dumped him to be honest with you. He's bought me roses etc. and jewlry it seemed to make up for it but it was for the holidays so I'm not sure. He is back to being himself. Not sure how many guys can turn that off? I met her and she was very pretty, not sure what she saw in him. I met her because before they went out on maybe a few dates she came to our house for an xmas party thats when they kind of hit it off. He honestly was trying to fix her up with a guy he knew. He claims he started this because last year I was mad at him and I had told him I didn't love him like I used to and I wanted to hypenate my name go figure that drives a man to cheat. Yeah maybe it would. I don't fault him since I'd be the pot calling the kettle black that saying. But I didn't fall in love he really did. I had a mutal friend who would find out the dirt from him and tell me. Very strange situation to say the least.
I'm not disagreeing with you, kbach. There are ppl who think that way and of course, it doesn't work that way. There's no way you can have butterflies in your stomach everyday for your spouse of 20 years. I was talking under the assumption that ppl would know that. Those who don't know that, or expect that will be lonely forever because they'll never reach that goal and they'll go through life very disappointed.
What I was talking about was love. Not caring, not friendship, not compassion but love. No one gets married to be friends. Ppl have lots of friends, they don't marry a friend. They don't raise a family with a friend. They don't snuggle up to a friend after making love. They don't look at their spouse and WANT to think of them as a "friend".
Most ppl are not "in" love by the time they actually get married because they've been together so long. I don't think it's the "in" that keeps ppl together, I think it's the love part. And keeping that going and alive in a marriage is WORK. It's the hardest thing to do. That's why so many are so quick to chalk it up to "it can't sustain"...it can. I believe it can. What I don't understand is why some ppl don't think it's important enough to work on. Everything else gets put first and I believe that's where things go wrong. It was the two of you at the beginning, if you want it to be the two of you at the end you have to keep putting each other first like you did in the beginning. That's all I'm saying. Promise to LOVE, cherish and obey. That's in the vows too.
Just to clarify, this does not mean that it's ok for someone to cheat on a spouse and then come back with the excuse that they're not "in love" with them anymore. My point is that a loveless marriage is a reason for divorce, imo. Once it gets that far, there's no counseling in the world that can get love back. And I, for one, would not want my spouse to stay with me only out of obligation to the vows. I want love.
That's where we disagree. I think love can be recaptured if both people work on it. You are right...it takes work. Sometimes only one person is willing to try and so then you've got no choice. Still, I know people that just leave without first TRYING. I am sorry but a marriage vow deserves at the very least a trip to the bookstore for some self discovery and reading on relationships. BTW, there are TONS of people out there that don't understand that love doesn't involve constant passion. My husband is one of them. We have a child with a birth defect (age 6) and a 2 year old. He travels for living and feels that when he walks in the door, I should fired up for sex. If I am not, I don't have passion. There were times that my daughter's care or just plain childhood illness kept me from having "passion." I did little things for him all of the time to try to let him know that I cared even when the sex had to slow down (and let me say, at most he went 2 weeks and that was usually because he was on the road).
So, I felt I loved him. There were days he annoyed me and days I would think, "why am I here?" but then other days that I felt a tingle just looking at him. I found him attractive and still wanted and looked forward to "dates" with him. We would have a few months of frequent sex and then months of slow down. To me, that is normal. He lost his job because of 9/11 and wasn't fun or pleasant to be with for over a year. I stayed because I said I would. I said "for better or for worse." He was totally wrapped up in acquiring his current job and was completely absent from me emotionally. I didn't leave because I knew that if we were committed to each other, we could reconnect after the job search was over. I could have convinced myself that he just wasn't the person I married and left because he spent more time on the computer than with me. I could have looked for another relationship. I didn't because I vowed I wouldn't. Stuff happens in marriage. People develop depression, cancer, get in paralyzing accidents and the dynamics change. It goes through times of being hell. My husband's depression from his job loss and our daughter's condition was awful. I vowed to stay and work at it though so I did. For his part, he wants me to be perfect all of the time and for our relationship to be on a upswing or he views himself as not being "in love". I asked him why he doesn't think he loves me and he says it is because he doesn't have passion for me all of the time. (note "all of the time") Even after the separation, he has hit on me so obviously he has some passion. He has friends going through the same thing. They are leaving their families because they love their spouses but aren't "in love". Almost everyone that knows my husband (including our therapst) thinks he is going to bounce from relationship to relationship because he doesn't know what love is and there are plenty of people out there that are the same.
I don't think people should be miserable for their whole lives. I am not saying someone should never leave a marriage. I am just saying that before anyone leaves a marriage, effort needs to be made to save it and lots of self discovery should be done. I mean at best, the marriage will be happily saved which is wonderful for any children involved and at worst the couple can learn about themselves so as not to drag the same baggage into the next relationship.
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