It takes two to tango...

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Registered: 03-26-2003
It takes two to tango...
7
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 8:42pm

or something like that... I keep hearing that phrase dropped here and there, and I'd like to see what all of our feelings are about this. Let's have a thread here where we explore where our responsibilities lay in the marriage that is disolved or disolving. Feel free to be as serious or tongue and cheek as you'd like ;).

Melanie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 8:57pm

I'll begin and I think I'll take this opportunity to be kinda serious.

I am responsible for taking care of my husband when he was too anxiety ridden to do anything. I grew stronger as a person as he grew weaker. I now see that I had a part in that, but I also don't see what choice I had in that matter except to get out of the marriage even sooner. Instead I rooted him on, always told him he was great even when he made terrible choices and big mistakes that were difficult for our family. I now see that that was a poor choice.

I am responsible for begging for another chance when he first told me he never loved me. I should have ended it then, I now think he was hoping I would. Instead I took the list of things he wanted me to do to change for him (lose weight, grow out my hair, wear more makeup and sexy clothes) and I did every single thing he wanted. I should have walked away, instead I did just what he wanted and it didn't even matter.

I am responsible for believing him when he told me I could be a stay at home mom until our youngest started kindergarten and then I could go to school so I could get a good career. I chose to put him first, to work my butt off waitressing to put him through engineering school and as you now I ended up with my wonderful children, but my SAHM status was cut short and that degree was never even started.

I am responsible for believing him when he said he was looking for a new job. I now see that I was lying to myself and everyone we knew when I kept saying over and over that he couldn't get job because of outsourcing. Yes, it made it harder, but he was an incredible software engineer, he could have gotten a job if he actually tried at all.

I am responsible for being angry and difficult to live with in the end. Yes, I must have been unpleasant, but after being with someone for nearly 17 years who has lied to me, betrayed me, ignored me, and abused me, I couldn't help myself. I do now see that I was very unhappy and probably a whole lot of no fun.

I know that a lot of what he pulled I allowed. I still don't think it's my fault. I see where my responsiblity is, but I don't know how I could have made it any different. I'm now older and wiser and I will never accept the crap I did for YEARS. I honestly regret none of it. I will always have those experiences with me and I am so very strong because of it. I will move forward and will now only be with someone who truly cherishes me. I can be loved and I can be with someone who will accept my love.

Melanie

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Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 8:07am


Melanie, I just want to thank you for posting this!! I have felt the same way for a LONG time. I also see my biggest faults in ALLOWING myself to be stepped on. For ALLOWING the neglectful behavior to carry on...the chronic absence. But I truly feel I tried everything I possibly could to make the marriage work. I was nice...then mean. I showered him with attention, then I backed off. I made remarks about his behavior, then I remained silent. Went to counseling.


When you're dealing with such atrocious behavior, how are you supposed to react? Be happy and cheerful and want sex all the time while your H parties with the boys and spends all the money? I mean, how are we supposed to react to that?


I completely understand where you're coming from!!




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 9:53am

I agree with you 100%.

The only other choice you had or I had was to leave/get out of the marriage sooner. Around 2 years ago I started taking ownership of MY STUFF, my codependency. Once I learned my boundaries... where my responsibility starts and ends, that's when it became clear that my best response or rather, my best decision was to end the marriage. I cannot change another person...not with the silent treatment, not with nagging, not with complaining, not even with taking ownership of my crap. I feel fortunate that it didn't take me that long to see the marriage for what it was.... I was with my abusive/alcoholic/drug addict husband for two years. He was arrested one night after slapping my face in a drunken rage. And by God's grace, I have not returned to him. As another saying goes... "fool me once, shame on me. fool me twice shame on me."

One of the hardest things to get past in a divorce/seperation is the guilt. One thing I've taken ownership of is my guilt. I was motivated by guilt for most of my life. I've made many bad decisions because of guilt. The first time I seperated from my stbx, I did it to "teach" him a lesson. "This time he'll learn that I won't accept being treated that way anymore," I thought..."yah, I'll show him." But because I left not because I felt I wanted/needed/deserved something better, but because I was punishing stbx. I felt guilt. And that guilt ate at me, my stbx played on the guilt strings and I went back to him. I changed all the things he asked me to change. And after a couple months of "owning" my defects (which were really stbx's complaints), stbx came up with a new list of defects. Until, I finally saw the BS for what it was BS/insanity....I didn't know what I was "suppose" to do.

Like I said, by the Grace of God, I finally saw my marriage for what it was.... I finally saw all the lies I came to believe, about myself and about my marriage and about my expectation of another person. Then, by the grace of God, I replaced it with truth. The truth was that the best decision I could make for my children and for myself was leave the marriage... and eventually get a divorce.

The other truth is that I can recieve healing...I do deserve to be treated like a human being. I do have basic rights to be at peace, joyful, loved, treated with kindness. And then, from that confident, blessed perspective, I CAN pass on that same comfort to others. In Jesus Name.

Today I feel no guilt for my part in the end of my marriage. I feel no shame for the end of my marriage. I feel I am doing the right thing. And I will keep doing the right thing, the right way.

thanks for listening,
Loonybunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 4:19pm

Okay here it goes....

Im guilty of ignoring the warning signs early on with my ex. Ignoring my gut feeling that he maybe wasnt my happily ever after after all. You know the signs, the unexplained phone calls at odd hours of the am/pm, the Im working late, just going out with the guys. Stuff like that. For me it was the am hours, calls to a phone number that I didnt know and even though I knew it didnt make sense and wondered who could he be calling at that time of morning I just ignored it, told myself I was being paranoid. See I had been hurt in the past and questioned every little thing/ suspision with other ex's and I was afraid if I continued in that way I would drive him away as I did the others. So therefore thought maybe I had trouble with men because I was insecure and paranoid.

I'll admit that I was a snooper, I checked the wallet, the cell phone, and the clothes for "evidence" lol. What kills me is very early on when there were things that caused suspision, I let it go, said it was just me, it was nothing. Then when I got pregnant, and things got more serious between us when I "snooped" again and found something I confronted it right away head on. Why the heck didnt I confront it in the beginning? I was petrified that I would be the cause of another failed relationship. I didnt want that, I thought he was the one. I can laugh about it now.

Once the truth was out, I was guilty of believing him when he promised he wouldnt cheat again and told me that me and the baby I was carrying meant everything to him and we would be together forever. That those women meant nothing to him. That's right women. What a fool I was. In my mind I knew once a cheater always a cheater but in my heart I saw the man I believed he could be, wished he could be and that man was my night in shining armour. Im guilty of believing in him more than I believed in myself. I had so much respect for him before I forced myself to see him for what he really was.
Dont get me wrong, he worked so hard and was such a giving person I mean there had to be something that made me fall in love with him to begin with right?

He promised me the world after he got caught. What an f'ing liar. Silly me believed him.

But I got to the point where enough was enough and I kicked his butt to the curb when I found out he was cheating again. I finally wanted to stand up for me, finally began believing in MYSELF more than him. I realized that my son and I deserved way better than what he was willing to offer, I began to love me again. Honey now 2 years later, though it may not be perfect, it's damn better than how it was with him.

I FORGAVE MYSELF FIRST and then HIM. I refused to let my anger and hurt over what he did continue to control me by remaining angry and hurt at him now. It was the best thing I could have done.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 5:57pm

WOW...


I am responsible for not dealing with my own issues before going into a relationship as serious as marriage.


I am responsible for my own lack of self esteem and accepting his marriage proposal when he had nothing to offer me.


I am responsible for being an co-dependent enabler and living in fear of being a statistic and being alone


I am responsible for years of untreated dysthymia because I allowed him to tell me it was all in my head and if I would just change my attitude that I would feel better.


I am responsible for allowing myself to gain 100 lbs and then live the next 15 years with him telling me if I lost weight I "might" be more attractive.


I am responsible for totally withdrawing emotionally, switching to automatic pilot and living with him thinking that staying would be better for the kids than coming from a broken home.


I am responsible for my how happiness and that was the biggest revelation of all.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 9:50am

Ok, here's the down and dirty.

When I married, I was having some trouble sexually (with the big O) and wasn't honest about it. I spoke with a doctor who felt it was just a matter of the quality of my previous relationships and that if I made no big deal about it, it would just happen. Well, part of me wanted to be honest but I wasn't because I didn't want that to be the only goal of sex. I just didn't need the pressure. I thought we could be together for a while and if nothing happened, I could tell him and seek out help with someone else. Unfortuntely he became a huge ass as soon as we married. He never wanted to go anywhere with just me. He spent nights at the officer's club drinking and was furious if I suggested we do something together. Anytime I tried to discuss our relationship I got LOTS of defensiveness. So, we never really discussed it. It isn't an issue now (it took care of itself) but I do feel badly that I ever brought lies (even of omission) to this. However, as it turns out, he had already cheated on me. We got married in front of a judge and had our ceremony 6 months later. He cheated between the marriage and ceremony. He also cheated two or three more times during the first 3 years of our marriage (I found this out later). We had a fairly decent run for about 2 years during which I had my first child. Mo was born with a birth defect and I basically spent the next 2 or 3 years completely alone emotionally. Sad to say but when I got pregnant with my 2 child I remember thinking, we'll at least if Mo doesn't have a dad, she'll have a sister. Anyway, he cheated AGAIN.

So, I realize I am not innocent in this situation. I brought baggage to this marriage. However, if he were the least bit committed to us, our stuff could have been work out and a good marriage would exist. My stuff wasn't marriage ending. My biggest mistake was not drawing a line early on and just saying that I deserved more. I feared being alone and being a "failure" too much. I wouldn't push the issues in fear of him deciding I wasn't worth working for. I fell into classic codependency behavior. Of course now I totally get that if I am not worth working for, he doesn't need to be in my life. Now I feel pretty content because I am not rushing around trying to be good enoughto be faithful to. His cheating was not about me, it is about him. Two people contribute to a good or bad marriage but only one person decides to cheat. There are other choices to make when a person isn't happy and his choice just points to his lack of character and integrity. Anyway, I don't feel a lot of guilt about this divorce because I was always willing to go to counseling and to try to understand his side of things and compromise. I didn't do anything marriage ending...he did.

So what is my role? I didn't listen to my inner voice. I didn't stand up for myself. I compromised myself and my beliefs. I think my stbx is pitiful but I am not angry. We teach people how to treat us and I didn't do a good job with that because of my own fear. It WON'T happen again.

THANKS...it's good to get this out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 1:38pm

Owing to my new assertiveness practice...I was going to actually write the following myself; but you said it very succintly!

>>>>>>>"I am responsible for my own happiness and that was the biggest revelation of all. It was then that I found the strength to break the cycle and recognize that I was married to an individual that has all the classic signs of narcissistic personality disorder and that his dysfunction was not my fault or obligation (*and no matter what I did to 'change', I could not affect his dysfunction nor make it more positive.)

So I took responsibility for my own happiness and the health and well being of my children and exited."<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Relationships are complicated. There are so many layers; his and hers, other members of the family. Paramount is what affects the children of course. Decisions are made though, even in the midst of pretending that you are NOT making any. I remind myself that I am blessed to be dealing with the ramifications of my decisions this year - even though it feels so difficult. I am so THANKFUL I have made the ones I have!

Exactly dirextor, Exactly!

Peace, Annah