Ok, time to spill it ....
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| Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:02pm |
Hi everyone,
Regular lurker here, leaving the shadows and coming into the light. :-)
I've been reading posts for what seems like forever, recently began seeing a therapist, have read a ton of books and articles -- all trying to figure out what to do "next" ... with my life that is.
Can you all stand to read one more "I just don't love him anymore" post? Please? Maybe my writing it down may make it clearer for me?
I've been married 24 years, 25 in September. Years ago, in the beginning, felt like I'd married my best friend. Felt very happy for many years. But then, about 8 years ago (8 years ago!) I began to feel "different". I felt feelings so bizarre and unrecognizable, I could barely articulate them back then. They became clearer in the next few years. I'm "Out of love" with him. I do not find him funny, amusing, attractive. I do anything I can to get out of spending time with him alone. I can't stand the thought of being alone with him.
We just about have an empty nest. Daughter away at college, son is 18, he won't be around too much longer. That makes the feelings sooo much more glaring and hard to ignore.
Husband is boring with a capital "b" - hates people (He says that "I hate people!") - I LOVE people.
He hates to go out. I love to go out.
He hates his job (has hated last 3 jobs for past 8 years). Love my job.
He is completely 100% unspontaneous. I can turn on a dime.
He wears the same clothes, listens to the same music, eats the same foods as 30 years ago. I'm happy to try new things, places, experiences. Not him.
I could go on and on (and want to) but in the interest of keeping this post short enough to get you guys to read it, I'll stop now!
Is there anyone who's split up a marriage without dire circumstances being involved, but rather because you just didn't picture (or couldn't stomach the thought of) your spouse being around forever and ever?
Thanks for reading and/or asking me any question you'd like to.

I think there is a complete misunderstanding of the problem with the statement "not in love". I have huge problems with people that leave a marriage because "I'm just not in love anymore" without counseling, talking and working on it. This is especially true when children are involved. In my opinion, if you have children, you don't divorce until you've exhausted everything. Don't get me wrong...if there's abuse, addictions and such then often you have no choice and divorce is the best option. I am talking about the "I just don't love him/her anymore" cases. Love changes and people change so very often couples need to "regroup" at some point and start a process of rediscovering each other again. It isn't easy but then if it was and if marriage was always a party, we wouldn't have to take a vow because we would always WANT to stay. The vow is there because God knew it would get hard and we would want to give up.
Now to your situation...it sounds as if your hubby has just quit making effort. Maybe you both have (and it's EASY to do). Have you had any real conversations about this? If not, maybe through therapy, workshops or workbooks from the bookstore, you guys can rediscover each other. My point is after 25 years of marriage...shouldn't you at least TRY? If he is unwilling to try and unwilling to listen to you and compromise so that your needs are met, then you are right...there isn't love. Love is an action verb and that means that two people make effort toward each other. He may not and then you have to decide what is best for you. I just think that the commitment we vow to means that before we leave, we give it out best. If he doesn't agree to participate in this with you then you can make your decision to divorce knowing that you gave it your all and didn't throw anything that had the potential to be good away. There's a lot to be said for a clear conscience. Anyway, that's my 2 cents. Now you have 2 cents! LOL
He gave up. He didn't put any work into your marriage and just expected you to live with it, which you did. I'm sure he noticed the changes in you, I'm sure he realized you were unhappy, yet he did nothing to change because that takes work. Only you know if he changed, would you still want to be with him. Sometimes it goes for so long, 8 years is looooong, that there's just no getting love back. Once you see your spouse as a roommate, or a friend, or even a worse, a brother, you just can't get that love back.
Is it enough reason to get a divorce? IMO, absolutely. Ppl get married for love.....when there's no love there....
It seems to me that it goes beyond love though. It's the reasons you fell out of love that are the problem. He's got some issues and it's hard living with someone like that. All my best to you with what you decide. Hugs.
And I thank you for the 2 cents! :)
kbach, I liked your response a lot. It made me sit up and think "Well,no, I haven't truly tried to fix this, mostly I've just lamented it as time has gone by".
"... it sounds as if your hubby has just quit making effort ..." Yes, exactly, I think he stopped years ago. Now that he knows I'm REALLY thinking about things he's making some efforts -- trouble is, I'm not sure if I'm receptive. Two people have to want to save the marriage, I find myself sitting on the fence. I'm incredulous that I feel like that after so many years, but it's really how I feel.
Anyway, I thank you for replying -- I got two points of views in the two responses I got; funny, the exact two points of view I've been wrestling with for so long -- lol.
Thanks again.
This (other point of view) ... yeah, this is what I'm saying!
If he changed, would I then want him? I don't know, but I don't think so. I'm definitely at the brother stage!
I really liked your sentiment "people get married for love, when it's gone ..." So true.
Thanks to you -- guess my therapy certainly isn't over.
Eight years is a LONG time to feel the way you have. However, you may want to investigate some marital counseling to give it one last try. If it doesn't work, you can leave with a clean conscience. You'll know you did and tried everything in your power.
I think the little things that add up over the years can be equally as insidious as a larger incident. It's less shocking, but probably not any less painful. It sounds like you and your H have really grown apart over the years. SOMETIMES, it is possible to rekindle those old feelings. But from the "tone" of your post, it sounds like in your heart, you already know the answer.
Yes, is is true that people get married for love. But, when there is no love does that mean they should separate? Well, that depends, on my opinion, on who will be effected. If it is just the couple, then I don't see a reason why not. However, when there are kids involved the situation is entirely different. Then you are dealing with the lives of other people. Even if they are adults when the divorce happens it can permanently scar them. Plus, if you get divorced after the last one moves out then the kids have the burden of feeling that you stayed with your H for many unhappy years just for them. Even if it's not the way that it is, that's most likely how they will feel. One think I've had beat into my brain over the last year since my STBX and I separated is that children will blame themselves NO MATTER WHAT. It's always the way that it goes and there's not much you can do about it but to help them deal with it and minimize it. However, as Kbach said, when there are kids involved, I think you should have to really earn your way out of the marriage. You should be able to say that you've earned the right to leave when you have tried everything (REALLY tried) and you can walk away know that you did your absolute best to work things out. Also, another point that was made to me is that really love, like any other emotion, is a choice. We can choose to be sad, we can choose to be angry, we can choose to be happy, we can choose to be apathetic and we can choose to be in love. This is not an easy thing to learn, but once I did I was a much happier person.
I hope you'll hang out around here, these ladies (and a few guys) always have wonderful advice and, if nothing else just someone to vent to. I'd say to continue with your therapy. How long have you been going (I may have missed that). I was in therapy for over a year trying to sort out my feelings on things and really working on myself before my STBX and I separated and I know for a fact that I am a better person for it.