Protect kids from verbal abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Protect kids from verbal abuse
8
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 11:55am

I divorced my ex mainly for long-standing verbal abuse. I just couldn't take being treated like dirt any longer. 19 years of it was my tolerance limit--and the abuse began to take on physical form. Had to end.

Now that I'm free, I'm seeing the controlling/abusive behavior happening more and more with the kids. I've posted on Divorce & Custody about problems with my ex throwing our daughter out, if you want more gory details.

Ya know, I sincerely want my kids to love and have a good relationship with their Dad. He's just such a controlling, angry, abusive man that it's really hard. He's not like that all the time, though, he's charming enough some of the time to keep them wanting his affection. It's so sad. I don't get it at all that he seems to think he's entitled to spew forth all sorts of ridicule by calling it "sarcastic humor". It's verbal abuse, IMHO. This man uses words like knives--and it really hurts. I've been on the receiving end of it, I know. Now, I'm free of it and have some space and perspective and I can see how it's happening to the kids. He'll act like "Dad of the year" one minute and then slice them to ribbons verbally the next. While we were still married I could buffer some of this, but I can't help much now, except to pick up the pieces.

People that don't know him well think he's great, funny, charming, intelligent. The kids and I have seen "the dark side". It's so sad.

I guess my point for this post is to ask for advice on how to protect my kids from his abuse. He feeds them, doesn't hit them, so for all intents and purposes, he's a good parent in the eyes of the State. I disagree. How do I help them cope with his disabled personality without running him down to them? I do my best not to ever say a negative comment to them about their Dad, but they complain about him to me, seeking help. What do I do? I had to leave and get away from him, they can't.

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 6:22pm

Your situation sounds soooooooo much like mine was. With five kids, I left after 20 years. He was mainly verbally and emotionally abusive, but it also went to physical and sexual abuse at times. He remained, and still remains, verbally and emotionally abusive to my kids who are now 17yo to 25yo. Nothing would change that. The state said it was hunky-dory. Even his neglect was just fine with the state.

He remarried a woman just like him, in some ways worse. She is also verbally and emotionally abusive of my kids. Between them, they kicked each of my kids out at least once, two of the twice, and one of them four times.

Unfortunately, by the time they are the ages of your kids and mine at the time, this seems normal to them. They don't feel in their "comfort zone" unless they are in this situation. They are also looking to have that relationship with their father that they won't ever have, esp. girls.

So, what can you do? You can be there to pick up the pieces. It's really difficult knowing that you can't change it for them. You have picked up the pieces for your dd. Don't be surprised when she starts going back for visitation. She most likely will after while. Then you will have to pick up the pieces when it happens again.

Other than that, get them in counseling. This is a priority if they are ever going to be the generation that gets out of the cycle of abuse.


Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-07-2006 - 6:57pm
I agree, get them to a counselor so that a 3rd party can talk about his behavior with them and you won't be the one that is "talking badly" about him. About all you can do when they complain or cry to you is tell them that their dad loves them the best that he can. Unfortunately, they deserve better than his best. Just be sure to stress that it isn't THEM, it's HIM. Good luck. What a terrible position to be in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 9:57am

What an impossible situation you're in! Of course, you want to continue to foster a relationship between your kids and their dad, but how do you do that when he's being verbally abusive and hurting your children? The only idea I have is to get in touch with the school social worker or psychologist. If he/she is willing to meet with your ex (and hopefully, all four of you) maybe that will shed light on his deplorable behavior.


BUT....since your children have such a good mom, they'll survive :) Unfortunately, there are many people out there that have terrible parents, but still grow in to happy, well-adjusted adults. Good luck! It's such a tough place to be.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 12:00pm

can i ask you one question- you say, <>> so let me ask you one questin - WHY?? why do you want them to love their dad , or more to the point - how can you expect them to love an abusive man?

you divorced him because of the abuse, and then you try to *make* them have some kind of positive relationship with him. your kids aren't dumb - they know what he is really like.

Please consider getting therapy for your kids. not only are they going to be very mixed up because they know one thing (their father is abusive) but you are telling them something else (have a relationshp with him ), but they are really being abused by him.

hugs. hugs to you for walking out after 19 years. hugs to you for making a stable and healthy environment for you and your children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 10:19am

Good question.

It's really hard, because most of the time, he IS decent to them. Perhaps it would have been better said that I wish they could have a good relationship with a caring, loving father. Theirs still is somewhat emotionally disabled and that damages the relationship.

I'll continue doing the best I can.

Note to all---

I did phone the psychotherapist who has been working with our family. I'm going in to see him to see if he has suggestions for me. I also offered to my daughter the opportunity to go see him. I told him he may get a call from her. She doesn't want to talk to him now, but I hope she will in future. He suggests not to force it. BTW, she was at school, after having a decent breakfast, every day since Wednesday. That's my job and it's a priviledge to do it.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 1:42pm

I have experience with this, not from my marriage, but from my childhood. My father was/is a super angry always negative verbal abuser. Us kids were never smart enough, cute enough, quiet enough, talented enough etc etc. He had terrible nick names for us and would use them all the time, not just if he was angry. He would also tell us we were so stupid that we'd be lucky to get a job at a chocolate factory dipping cherries into chocolate. Names like stupid, ugly, fatso, and idiot were commonplace and we were told to shut up all the time. He would threaten to break our arms or legs or "brain" us if we didn't do as we were told. It was AWFUL. He hit too, but somehow the hitting didn't hurt as bad as the words. My mom didn't stop him at all. They are still married and it's only gotten better for me because I've stood up to him and told him that I'm not going to take it. When he gets on a roll, I point his ridiculious behaviour to him and it usually stops him in his tracks. I was told over and over for my whole childhood and even now that he's "kidding". Usually when someone jokes or kids with me it's funny, you know? Years later I found myself very angry at my MOTHER for not protecting us. I realized that mothers need to keep their kids away from things like that and I felt like she had been very selfish to stay with him when he treated us so visciously. Her reason was as always, "That's just the way he is..." and "He's joking!". I think that when your kids are older they will know that you did your best and they will be grateful that you left someone who treated them so badly. Maybe once they are old enough they can protect themselves by not seeing him as much? Don't feel badly you are doing your best, at least you got him out of their lives for the day to day.

Hugs,
Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 2:35pm

Thanks, Melanie,

I DO hope my kids eventually learn there is a better way to interact respectfully as a family. It sounds like your Dad's bad behavior caused you to lose all respect for him and you lost respect for your Mom for tolerating it. That's really sad--do you see them much now? I hope they treat the grandkids better.

What my ex calls teasing I call abusive ridicule. He thinks nothing's wrong. This is the major reason I was so unhappy in the marriage. His behavior continues to the kids. While I was there, I could buffer it some, but now, I can't stop or limit his abuse. That scares me for the kids. So far, his "hitting/pushing/etc" is minimal. But he is still very scary when he gets angry.

My greatest fear is that the girls will repeat this scenario in their future relationships. I don't want them to have to go through what I did.

I guess I need to start talking about this more with them.

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 9:08pm

My dad has mellowed, and he does not call names anymore so my kids haven't seen that side of him. Instead he's the kind of adult that they walk on eggshells around so not to set him off. If they dared to spill something or God forbid break something he'd let loose a tirade of "What's the matter with you" etc. etc. When my kids were little they found his behaviour hilarious but now that they are older they try to avoid him. My parents are decent grandparents in that they truly love my kids (and all the grandkids) but I try to rely on them as little as possible for any help or support. They live pretty close and we see them a few times a month. There are times that I am happy that I'm moving out of state to put more distance between us in addition to all the other happy reasons I'm moving, you know?

You said I lost respect for my mom because of it and that's not quite accurate. It's more like I feel anger toward her for never coming to our defense and for allowing it to happen. I would have much rather she divorce him than to stay with him. He never verbally abused her when we were kids (that I know of) but now I've heard him say things that have made my head spin. Oh well, he's really her problem now.

And one more thing I want to say to you about your little girls. I doubt they will marry someone like their dad. In fact my problem is that I married someone who was as different as can be from my dad and I ened up being with someone who was totally wrong for me as well. I married someone quiet who let me be me and never criticized me (in the beginning) but in the end I went from having a dad who never told me or showed me he loved me to a husband who actually told me he did NOT love me. That was quite a stunning revelation and I never want to feel those feelings again. I think your girls will be fine if you instill in them self respect and self esteem. ((((HUGS to you))))

Mel