What was your X;s/STBX's....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
What was your X;s/STBX's....
33
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 10:11am

major complaint or complaints about you? Before I moved out of the house, I asked my STBX what was so bad about me.....what should I have changed? His answer:


"You didn't go out with friends enough."


Oooo...that made my blood boil. No, I didn't have the social life of the century, like he did, but SOMEONE had to be home to raise our DS! I think it was just his way of projecting on to me that his going out 6/7 days a week was "ok." Wouldn't most men LIKE to have a committed wife who actually wanted to be home with their family?? I don't know too many men that would say, "Gee, I'd like it if my wife was out partying more!"


The other complaints were that I nagged too much, and of course, didn't want sex enough.


Just needed to vent this morning and see what anyone else had to say!




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 11:03am
I nagged to much about needing help around the house and I wouldn't hang up his shirts.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 11:42am

interesting question.

*i* was the one who did the complaining, and *i* was the one who left him. i think that it bothered him that i didn't accept him 'as is' and that i wasn't supportive enuf of him. I think that i WAS supportive - but no matter what i did , it wasn't enuf for him. OTOH - i think he would've been content to stay married, just so he would "be" married.

there were alot of issues between us regarding my son (my son from a previous marriage) - the son he promised to raised and swore that he loved to bits. at some point, my son got tired of the abuse (that i was mostly unaware of) and started acting up, my ex didn't like the fact that i *sided* with my son. in fact, he kept saying that my son and i were a 'team' *against* him. all not true, of course, but that was his perspective. i tried, WE tried, to work as a family. for example, my son and i had certain rituals that we invited him to join (like playing certain games at certain times, or watching certain tv shows) but he never did.

its funny actually, when we went to therapy, i had a looooong list of complaints against him, and his *one* complaint was that i didn't wear my wedding ring (the reason was that iit was too small. i eventually did make it larger because i thought that that would make him happy....)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 12:07pm

My stbx said that I was "mean" to him and that I "never supported him".

As far as I am concerned I wouldn't have been perceived as "mean" had he acted like an adult and I didn't have to mother him! And as far as never supporting him...had he been asking for support in something that would actually benefit our family and not just him I would have gladly been supportive.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 12:16pm

The time my ex told me about the other woman (and that he never loved me) his complaint was that I hadn't lost all the baby weight and I didn't wear make up enough. He also said I didn't give enough oral sex. Well, he was big on just laying there so I didn't know he liked it so I didn't bother - LOL! I fixed all the things on his list. In the end his big complaint was that I expected too much of him. I expected him to contribute to the household in some way. Be it monitarily or by helping with the kids or by keeping the house clean, I needed some sort of help. He wasn't willing to do any of that and said he understood why it would upset me but he thought I wasn't being "fair" because he is clincally depressed.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 1:34pm

I didn't want sex enough and didn't feel "passion" for him. Enough sex = everyday and Passion = always wanting to be with him when he wanted to me with me.

Other than that he says I am the best friend he ever had, he trusts me more than anyone and I am the best mothers. Go figure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 2:01pm

The reason my xh said he cheated was because he didn't think I "wanted" him anymore because I'd fall asleep after putting our DS to bed......He *never* said anything...expected me to read his mind...The *reason* I fell asleep after putting DS to bed?

Hugs~ Lexi

"Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars" ~ Les Brown


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 9:03pm

That i never "Stood behind him". HA!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 10:37pm

Sex... it was never enough.... never how he wanted it, etc.


Oh... and that he wanted me to QUIT (I wouldn't) the flexible job that I have that supported out family to "work for me" (him).... in his


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-08-2006 - 10:39pm
Guess he never heard the JoDee Messina song.... "I want a man to stand beside me, not in front of or behind me..." did he?

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 11:38am

My ex had one frequent complaint: "You aren't romantic enough". Once I got into counseling, he told me that what he wanted was for me to go back to being just like I was when he first met me. I would feel angry about that because after being in counseling, I knew so much more about myself, I knew I could never 'be' the person I had been 10 years earlier. I don't know - maybe he was just hoping I would be happy like I was way back when.

He also wanted me to tell him I loved him (I can understand that one), he wanted me to be physically affectionate (but said he could live without sex for quite awhile - he didn't want to make love to me until I could guarantee I wouldn't have any more episodes of PTSD) and he wanted to go out on dates.

I would think about those things - most of them seemed reasonable requests. But I had a very hard time wanting to do those things because he didn't want to address the deeper problems in the marriage like our inability to communicate well, his apparent porn problem, and his unwillingness to compromise on physical activities (I was in a huge amount of physical pain due to health problems and that limited what I felt that I was capable of doing on 'dates'). I had my own issues, but I was trying to work on them by going to both group therapy and individual counseling. The idea at the time was that I was the 'broken' one and I was the one who needed 'fixing'. He didn't have any problems and I was the one being unreasonable about what I could physically do. (Yep - I bought into all that.)

I felt so guilty about how I'd flinch if he'd come up behind me when I didn't know he was there and touch me. Once I had found out he'd been reading incest fantasies and had looked at child porn a time or two, I just couldn't see him in the same way. I felt so very sad about things - I wanted things back to the way they were before, but for me, things felt as though they had been shattered. So I would feel so incredulous when all he said he wanted was for me to be 'more romantic'.

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