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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
New here
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Sun, 04-09-2006 - 6:32am

I am new to this site and thought that I would try it. I am in the final stages of my divorce and now have mixed emotions about the whole thing. I am the one who started the whole process and he did not want to do it. However there were psychological problems on his end that I just couldn't deal with anymore. Now however he is better and is seeing a dr about his problem. Unfortunately he has also moved on and has a new gf. I wanted to try our relationship again but he said that I have hurt him too much and maybe in the future there could be a chance for the two of us again. His friends have told me that this new girl is just a rebound and that he is using her as a security blanket. The divorce has not been approved by the judge yet. I am just so frustrated about the whole situation. He seems to be moving on with his life and now I can't seem to do the same. I have many regrets about going through with the divore. I wish that I had not gone through with it and that we had tried whatever therapy is out there. I don't know if there is anyone out there with the same problem as me, but a little bit of advice would be appreciated!

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: aileenvtom
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 8:24am

Welcome to the board!


You're in a tough position. Think about this: what were the reasons you filed for divorce in the first place? Was it solely is mental health problems, or were there other issues in your marriage? Also, if you did reconcile, do you honestly think your marriage would be different? Do you think you could view him the same way after he's had a girlfriend? These are just some things to think about.


Though it does happen, VERY few marriages succeed after reconciliation. There was a statistic posted in another thread stating it's about 5%. My STBX and I separated three years ago - I filed for divorce then. We tried to reconcile, but here we are again a few years later. I honestly wish we had just gone through it the first time.


If your STBX won't agree to trying again or going to counseling, you should definitely go yourself. What was supposed to be marital counseling between my STBX and I (he decided to forego it for poker and golf) ended up being individual counseling for me, and it has been SO helpful. So spend this time focusing on you and your healing, even if you don't reconcile. And please keep us posted.






What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson




Edited 4/9/2006 8:27 am ET by cl-justiceandtruth
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: aileenvtom
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 9:13am

Hi Aileen....


I think..... when you mentioned "security blanket", it's a pretty accurate statement!


When psychological issues are involved like this... counseling is good... but my guess is that he only sought counseling when the going got really tough (you were really leaving and he could see that it was happening and it was beyond his control).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2006
In reply to: aileenvtom
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 12:38pm

Thank you for your wonderful advice. We both went to get some help and I am still going off and on. He has stopped his sessions. I know that the chances of us working it out are slim but, I think that is the closure that I need. I need to see that it really would not work out no matter what we tried. He and I talked about it and said that if we were to start over, we would have to start all over again. Going back to dating and learning about each other again. We could not just go back to where we ended and try to fix it from there.

My friend has reminded me that before me he was a sort of "player" and I shouldn't let this new girl get to me if I really want to get back together with him. I can see her point, it didn't matter to me before we were married. I need to look at it from a different perspective if I really want to try again. I have thought about the marriage and if it is something that I really want. The answer always comes out yes.

Thank you again! I will keep you posted as to what happens!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
In reply to: aileenvtom
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 1:14pm

I am going through a divorce that I initiated myself. I can't relate to all of your dilemas but all I can say is hang in there. I am a firm believer that if something is meant to be, it will definitely work itself out! It might take time, years but things DO have a way of working out in time.

Good luck and know you aren't alone.