Does the guilt ever end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Does the guilt ever end?
3
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 11:04am
Hello again.
The last time I posted, I really got a lot of positive responses and so appreciated it.. If you remember, I posted about telling my girls (4 & 5) about the D.
So, I did tell them, last week. It was emotional and sad for all of us, but I really feel like they are taking it okay. My stbx was oldest's stepfather, and I really think she is only sad for me and her sister's sake. she knew him from age 2 mos and never really latched on. My other dd is another story...she sleeps with his picture and asks constantly. but they will be okay, at least I hope.
But this week...Oh, this week, the guilt is what is eating me alive. It is positively crippling. I feel guilt for everything. For making my daughters leave their beautiful home and move into a shared room at an apt. For making them switch schools. For crying too much. For not trying hard enough. For being angry w/ my stbx and letting it affect my mothering.
And I also feel guilt for HIM. Maybe I should have been more supportive. He was an alcoholic and I know that is a disease. I wouldn't have left if he had cancer. I feel guilty for every having little moments of happiness. for not always being sad that we split. For being excited about a new life. For making him give up things he worked hard for so he can pay me CS. For taking our daughter from his everyday life.
I can't stand this. I am second guessing my every move. feeling bad most of the time, then feeling bad for feeling good.
has anyone else dealt with this? any advice or ideas? tia.
Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2006
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 12:19pm
I'M IN A SIMILAR SITUATION...MY 8 YR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN A VERY TIRING ONE. HE TOO IS AN ALCOHOLIC BUT I CONTINUED TO HELP HIM...EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T HAVE A "PROBLEM", HE DISTANCED HIMSELF AWAY. I HAVE TWO KIDS, 6 YRS AND 2 YRS. I TIRED MY BEST TO SUPPORT HIM IN THE WORST TIMES...BUT IN MY SITUATION HE WENT TO PRISON FOR 2 YRS LEAVING ME TO CARE FOR OUR KIDS, I STRUGGLED TO KEEP MY KIDS POSTIVE... MY SON KNEW WERE IS DADDY WAS... HE HAD A HARD TIME DEALING WITH HIS EMOTIONS AND WELL MY BABY GIRL WAS ONLY 2 MONTHS OLD WHEN HE LEFT SO SHE REALLY DOESNT KNOW ANY DIFFERENT. I HAVE BEEN SECOND GUESSING MY EMOTIONS AND ACTIONS FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS... MY RELATIONSHIP SUFFERED A HUGE STRAIN DUE TO HIS DRINKING... HE WOULD FIGHT WITH ME AND THERE WERE TIMES HE WOULD NOT COME HOME FOR DAYS OR HE WOULD BE GONE FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND. YOUR PROBABLY ASKING WHY I STAYED? I DID IT FOR MY SON...THINKING HE REALLY NEEDED HIS DADDY AROUND. NOW THAT HE IS HOME OUT OF PRISON THINGS HAVE NOT GOTTEN BETTER, AND YET I KNOW WHAT I WHAT BUT LIKE YOU SAID I'M SECOND GUESSING MY ACTIONS. I DO HAVE FAMILY AND FRIENDS THAT ADVISE ME TO MOVE ON AND THAT I CAN DO IT BY MY SELF, WHICH I KNOW I CAN BECAUSE I DID IT FOR 2 YRS. I'M IN THE PROCESS OF ENDING THIS RELATIONSHIP... I'VE TOLD HIM THAT I CAN NO LONGER GO THROUGH THIS...HE PROMISED HE HAS CHANGED BUT I DON'T SEE IT...I KNOW HE HAS NOT DRANK SINCE HIS BEEN HOME BUT I CAN'T RISK BEING HERE WHEN HE DOES...HE HAS LIED TOO MANY TIMES THAT THE TRUST IS NOT THERE. THE ONLY PROBLEM I'M HAVING IS WE WERE NEVER MARRIED BUT WE DID BUY A HOUSE TOGETHER YEARS AGO THAT I DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP BECAUSE IN THE SMALL TOWN WE LIVE THERE NO HOUSES OR APARTMENTS FOR RENT... I'D HAVE TO MOVE TO THE NEXT BIGGER TOWN, AND ALL HIS FAMILY LIVES IN THE NEXT BIGGER TOWN AND MY PARENTS LIVE IN OUR TOWN. BUT BEING THE SELFISH PERSON HE IS HE WOULD RATHER ME MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE WITH OUR KIDS AND SELL THE HOUSE. BUT I DO HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A LAYWER NEXT WEEK...I HOPE GOOD THINGS START COMING MY WAY...I HAVE STRUGGLED ... I UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR FEELING GUILTY BUT THINK ABOUT THE POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT YOUR KIDS WILL BE IN... WITH ALL THE HAPPY MOMENTS YOU LACKED FROM BEFORE. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WITH SIMILAR SITUATIONS, I HOPE EVERYTHING WORKS OUT....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 6:05pm

Sarah.....Sarah...you are I are cut from the same cloth...the GUILT cloth! One of the reasons I stayed in my marriage for so long is that I was wracked with guilt. How could I do this to our son? What if I had to move to another town to afford rent? What if my son is permanently scarred from the divorce?


When children are involved and you have to make changes in their lives, it's hard not to feel guilty. But when you have a guilty feeling such as: I made my daughters change schools. Counter it with another thought: I am becoming a better mother because I am not consumed by my STBX's addiction.


I also have feelings of guilt about feeling good, especially since my STBX makes it known that he his miserable. The best way I have been able to cope with it is through counseling. It has been a long, hard process, but I am getting there. And you will, too!


I give you permission to be happy and excited about your new life!


PS - In your profile, it says you spend time on the Tattoos and Piercings board....what do you have?


PPS - <why you'd want to have me on a desert island with you
You wouldn't. I would be all worried and upset and emotional about how to get off the island.> - THAT totally cracked me up!




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 9:49am
Hi! I am so so so glad to see someone else feels the way I do. I was beginning to think I am crazy. Last night, my stbx had the girls while I went to happy hour (for 1.5 hours! big deal) but put a huge guilt trip on me when I got home for being "out" and not being with the kids. ( I always am ) I have got to think of a way to make my brain stop feeling guilt for every move I make.
I like your idea about counter-acting the negative thoughts. I will do that, and maybe in a journal so I can re-affirm to myself. :) Thank you again for the kind words!
I haven't sought counseling yet, I know I need to...I just am not sure if I am going to have to move to a different town, so I thought it was best to wait and be sure to establish a relationship with one I knew I could stick with!
in RE: to your PS...I haven't been to the board in a little while since all this got crazy, but i have 3 tattoos, all in obscure places..hip, back, etc. one is a moon and star design, one is a tribal turtle, and one is chinese symbol for strength. they are all pretty small. when the D is final I may celebrate with one more. we'll see. I also have my bellybutton peirced and a tiny nose stud. do you have tattoos/piercings?
aaaand haha about the island. Just being honest. I am guilt ridden, nervous, and nuerotic. But I like to say, at least I can admit it! :)