Vent and Warning!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Vent and Warning!
4
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 10:59pm

My vent is, of course, about my XH. Every time he starts to climb over the fence to 'reasonable', something happens and he ends up deeper in the pit of idiocy. The warning, therefore, is about his recent pit of idiocy, which is turning out to be a black hole.

Back in the fall, he asked me to take the girls for a weekend so that he could do some 'training course' that his therapist recommended. Since his therapist recommended it, I agreed. Heck, he never gave a second thought anything our marriage counselor said, so I figured that he was really making progress this time! But when he asked me to take them for another weekend the next month, I got suspicious, so I went to the website of this "training" company. What I found there was virtually nothing. "Legacy Center is an educational company with a vision: we believe that all people possess the power to create remarkable accomplishments. Our mission is to empower people to live their dreams and - in doing so - create extraordinary communities and organizations around them." "The Legacy workshops were the most uplifting experiences of my life. I now connect with people in a way I could not have imagined. It has shown me a new level of love, compassion and possibility that I never knew existed." Vague, vague, vague!

Since I couldn't figure out what the heck that meant, and since I found out how much this uplifting experience was costing ($495 for the first basic course and $1095 for the second advanced course), I started investigating. I definitely didn't like what I found. Legacy Center is considered Large Group Awareness Training (LGAT). The center here was started as Lifespring, NC, but changed to Legacy when national Lifespring was shut down due to lawsuits alleging post-traumatic stress afterwards and increased suicides. Lifespring = Legacy = Landmark Forum = PSI Seminars = MITT = est = Vistar = Millenium and on and on. They are all set up the same. Wed night/Thurs night/Fri night/all day Sat/all day Sun with a graduation Sunday night for the Basic and Advanced. After Basic they do Advanced Living Interviews and they do the high pressure sale to sign you up for the Advanced course. Then they pressure you into the Leadership, which is 3 weekends over 3 months, costs $995, and has DAILY coaching calls. I can't do the sessions justice.... read here for an account (http://perso.wanadoo.fr/eldon.braun/awareness/lgat1.html).

So over the months that he was doing this, his behavior got odd. He invited me to lunch and told me, in a very rehearsed manner, that he took responsibility for the demise of the marriage. He never apologized for anything, but kept taking responsibility for a list of things. Partway through his speech, I started laughing because I realized that this was something that he was being forced to do because of Legacy. I asked why he felt the need to tell me all this stuff, and he said it was to make himself feel better, which just confirmed what I was thinking. Selfish selfish selfish. Legacy just helps him justify his selfishness. HE says that it's helping him have better relationships. Excuse me? Giving up time with your children to spend time being yelled at by some stranger because you had to pee at 8:46. (again, see the accounts on the link above).

Here comes the vent..... This training, which was supposed to help him have better relationships, has degraded his relationship with Rosie. All on her own, she came up with the statement "Mom, I hate, hate, hate, hate, Dad's Legacy-speak. He talks about how I'm in a box and my filters clog my thinking, and I'm sick of it." He had now given up 5 full weekends with his children since October for this $*#&. While we have 50/50 custody, since his depressive episode, we've shifted things so he only has to "deal with the responsibility" 36% of the time. But since Legacy started, he has only had them 28%. And yes, I have a nice Excel spreadsheet and did the calculation.

Gracie doesn't notice. She doesn't notice much except things like "Dad bought me a new DVD. Dad bought be new jammies." Rosie, on the other hand, whill probably be in therapy for most of her natural life tryign to get over the damage he causes her on a daily basis. She wonders how much time he spends with his wife vs her. Today, she's all cranked off because next week is her spring break and he hasn't told her about any plans for a special event. (He does plan to take one day off and do something with them, which I'm sure will involve sitting wround the tube.) One day. One measly day. He's taken off at least 6 for Legacy.

So while my vent is because of Rosie's pain, and my frustration, it serves another purpose. If anyone tells you about their amazing transformation and invites you to a guest event, don't do it. If a loved one changes and starts spouting things off like "amazing transformation" and "filters" and "turd in the punchbowl" (yeah, you heard that right), I'd run screaming. Do everything to convince them that they are loved without the LGAT. Don't let them get to the Leadership level. Evidently, when you go away on your last weekend with Leadership, you have to bring things. Comfortable clothes. Clothing and shoes that can get wet. Two candles of specific sizes. Something from your past that you want to get rid of. Towels and sheets. An enema.

Don't even ask. I haven't come across anyone willing to admit to that. I've read accounts of groups having to strip to their underwear. There's a "stretch night" where you are categorized and then you have to do a "personality stretch" and convince people that you are the complete opposite of your personality. Imagine a grown woman dancing and lip-syncing to Tina Turner until everyone in the room BELIEVES that you are Tina. Or Madonna. Or Elvis.

I'll close now because I could go on and on about it. Save yourself! Avoid this at all costs!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 11:54pm

Wow... the saga continues.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 8:44am

I read the link you posted and.....wow! That seems like a dangerous, dangerous "program" to be involved in. It looks frightening! The problem is, this king of brain-washing inevitably end up having a huge impact on the kids. But it sounds like your daughters are very strong, and have you to support them, which is a blessing.


Thank you for the heads-up about these programs!


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 10:07am

Oh, I agree! And if this "training" is so great, why don't they advertise? The funny thing is that this $*%& was recommended by the marriage counselor that XH and NW are seeing. A licensed therapist who only took the basic course is going around touting this as wonderful! What's wrong with this picture?

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 10:17am

Dangerous is an understatement! There was a 2 day period when I had convinced him that he was brainwashed and it was dangerous (I have his email saying "I understand how powerful and insidious this brainwashing stuff is now"). During that time I told him that if he had wanted someone to scream at him, degrade him, and call him names for several hours, that I would have done it for free and he didn't have to pay over $2500 for it!

And remember.... if you encounter anyone who's involved in this stuff, the first thing they'll say to you is "I'm not brainwashed" because you know, all those Moonies run around saying "I'm brainwashed! I'm brainwashed!!"

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie