How do you know it's time to divorce?
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How do you know it's time to divorce?
| Fri, 04-14-2006 - 11:03am |
I was just watching a Dr. Phil show from last week that I recorded titled "I Want My EX Back" (http://drphil.com/shows/show/698/) and Dr. Phil referenced his website, saying that he was posting an article about how you know when it's time to call it quits... and since that's a popular question/topic here, I thought I'd grab it and move it over for us to see what Dr. Phil has to say about it.
Another thing that he told these couples that I thought was something good to remember is that, if they want to get back together, grow and have a strong, loving relationship, that they have to let go of the bitterness and anger (even though they might be bitter and angry) and do things to inspire each other.

I followed Dr. Phil's advice and I think that's why it was so easy for me! I tried to get XH to do "Relationship Rescue," but he said it was "bunk." I have no regrets about the divorce and the only anger, frustration, and hurt I have was inflicted AFTER the divorce when XH got more selfish and started hurting our daughters!
Thanks for posting this, Karen. I needed a good reminder!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
I failed the test, but my husband won't stop seeing the OW. And even if he did, I don't know if I could forgive him. I wonder what Dr. Phil would suggest that people like me do? My husband won't work on things... and is with someone else. How do I stay married to someone like that even if I fail the test? Just a thought...
Summer
I think Dr. Phil has got some good ideas - but it seems like it is all tailored for people that are not in a more serious situation. I think he has some good points on this subject - I think I would have had a much easier time of it if I had felt 'done' when I decided to divorce. I've struggled a lot with the decision I made.
I failed Dr. Phil's test, too, but I also know at the time I made my decision to leave, my trust in my xh was so broken and I was so unsure of who he really was that I did not feel safe. Everything in my gut was saying 'get out now!' I think when it really comes down to it, we make the best decisions we can at that point in time. In order to deal with my 'second thoughts', I've had to remind myself to forgive the decision I made. I made the best one I could under the circumstances. And today - I still think leaving was about the only thing I could have done at that point that made sense.
I've been divorced over two years and I am continuing to work on my feelings of attachment to my ex, figuring out what went wrong, how I contributed to things, etc. I am finding therapy very helpful. I do not have much to offer in the way of answers - I hope to find some over the years. : )
I do not know that trying harder back then would have yielded different results in my case - I truly believe my ex had an addiction and he didn't think he did. How can a person work on a marriage if the other person won't? If the other person won't work on it and you decide to leave - it seems like Dr. Phil doesn't have much in the way of advice on how to truly leave if you feel you want to work on things, still feel attached, etc., but you *know* you are likely fighting a losing battle. I just did not have the energy for that back then.
Take care of yourself and make sure you've got good support!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
I don't have an answer for you. I guess I can't really say that WE tried everything, and that WE had hurt or anger left. I knew that we were moving towards divorce because there was no way I was staying married to a man who didn't respect me and couldn't engage me in conversation beyong "When's dinner?" and "Is it bathtime for the girls?"
Dr. Phil has some great ideas, but NO ONE'S problems can be solved in the 20 minutes he gives them on his show. BUT.... what he says should make you think! To me, the most powerful things he said are "How's that working for you?" and "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" It wasn't working and I wanted to be happy!
You know, individual counseling can help you through this, no matter what the outcome. It can prepare you for divorce, or help you make your marriage stronger!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
well - even tho i LOVE dr. Phil- it doesn't mean that you have to follow his advice to a *T* - you have to take his advice and tailor it to your own life.
i was wondering, tho, if you did follow his basic advice about getting outside help: both to fix your relatinship with your husband, AND to fix your OWN life.
I do agree with that. I think we'd all be hard-pressed to find someone that isn't at leasy occasionally angry or scared about an impending or finished divorce. I thought about those questions, and I realize that I do hold on to some anger, and I definitely feel scared sometimes. But I felt those things 1000x stronger while I was IN the marriage, and they are slowly dissipating.
What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Stbx and I tried meeting with our pastor and with a counselor on the phone (his company does that free), and he lied to both of them and claimed that he was no longer seeing OW. He didn't seem remorseful... and barely said a word. I have been seeking IC and speaking to my pastor, family and friends often. Am definitely trying to work on myself. I suppose that we could try marriage counseling again, but what would be the point if he is refusing to stop seeing the ow and he wouldn't participate in the counseling? Also I read the Sylvia Glass "Not Just Friends" and passed it along to stbx along with pages of information from the marriage builders site... so yeah I feel like I have done all that I can.. that rest would have to be up to him. And I can't force fidelity or participation in counseling kwim?
Summer