divorce because of porn addiction?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
divorce because of porn addiction?
11
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 12:06pm

Have any of you divorced your spouse because of porn addiction? He hasn't had a physical affair since very early on in our marriage (at least I have no proof...) however, he is a porn addict and I'm losing my mind over it.

He has lied so many times - including this year, when he swore he had stopped (again) and was clean for 2 months (total lie.) I finally caught him after running recover my files - and found he spent 4 1/2 hours the night before downloading porn ON HIS WORK PC.

After that I installed a keylogger. I left to visit my dying mother - very upset, of course - and when I came home I discovered the very day I left he was watching some sick lolita-type film. I could even see what parts he played over and over and over again.

He swears he loves me. I don't think I believe him anymore. He swears he's still attracted to me, but considering that he hasn't initiated sex with me in a year, I highly doubt that, too.

There is more to the relationship besides this. Like living with any active addict, the family suffers. He has little time for the kids. He treats me like dirt. Etc., etc.

Has anyone divorced a spouse because of porn addiction?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 1:16pm

I haven't but my friend did. It causes (as you know) MANY problems in a marriage. It totally disrupts intimacy. You are definitely facing REAL problems. Would he consider treatment? If not, then you've got to do what you would do with any addict that won't seek help. I hope you go to counseling as well because this does a number on the partner. Take care of yourself!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 1:27pm
No, he won't get help. That's the biggest problem. He acknowledges it's an addiction, he says he wants to quit, he refuses to get help. Or rather, he says "I will" but never DOES.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 1:29pm
I feel for you. This is a very hard subject. The downfall of my marriage started when my ex began looking at porn on the internet. He lied about it so many times. It made me feel bad about myself. The problem with porn in our home was my problem. How I allowed it to control me, my thoughts and my behavior is what caused the demise of my marriage. Porn gives men a false image as to how we should behave in bed and elsewhere. I couldn't live up to that and he wanted so much more than I was capable of giving. I wish you the best. Try to keep your sanity and self worth. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 1:34pm

Thank you for sharing that, Brenda!

H asked his parents if he could stay in their house when I kicked him out this week. His mother said no - she wanted us to work things out. Now she wants to meet me for lunch next week.

How do you explain to family and friends? I don't want to shame him in front of everybody - and I don't want them to think that I am just insecure and hysterical (I may be both things, but so what?) His mother knows about his problem, because he's talked to her about it, but I think she thinks it's just a normal "guy thing" and that I should just get over it.

Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 2:02pm

** Possible triggers to anyone who's dealt with porn problems in a marriage **

I think I've *seen* you around I-Village - so if you've read some of my posts -- this all may be stuff you've heard before.

Well, since my xh never admitted to an addiction, I don't know if this counts, but I did divorce my ex mainly because of porn. At the time I made the decision to leave, I was the one with the *problem* - he just had more 'liberal' views. He had promised to quit the porn and had stayed away from it - as far as I know - for about 9 months before breaking his promise. I was devastated when I found out he'd broken his promise.

The year before we decided to divorce, I had found that in addition to 'regular smut', he was reading incest fantasies 3 or 4 times a day and had been in a few 'lolita' areas and downloaded things (I didn't look at what he downloaded). I was scared - so worried about him and also scared for myself and my ds. He never could adequately explain why he did what he did concerning the illegal stuff and I was terrified he'd get back into that kind of thing (don't know if he did or has), get caught and get thrown in jail. I was also scared wondering if he'd ever harm a child (he vehemently swore he'd never do that). He couldn't seem to accept any responsibility for any of it. His seeking out porn was apparently my fault because "you aren't romantic enough". He blamed me for a lot of the problems in the marriage and also for his not bonding to our ds when he was born.

There were other problems besides the porn. It has taken me quite awhile to see a little more clearly what else was going on in the marriage. I believe now that my xh is very selfish, controlling, manipulative, incapable of being emotionally intimate and mentally and verbally abusive. After being with him for 10 years, I really believed that I was a pretty worthless person. It is taking a lot of work for me to re-discover myself and rebuild my self-esteem.

I sometimes wish I'd tried a few more things before I left, because I still loved him (part of me still does) and I wanted things to work out. The divorce has been particularly hard on my ds since he appears to be on the autistic spectrum and he does not deal with change well. But, looking back, I was exhausted at the time from taking care of a special needs child, dealing with my own health problems, my own codepedent issues and my depression. I didn't have much in the way of mental, emotional and physical resources and he wasn't doing much of anything to work on the marriage (despite saying he'd 'do whatever it takes to save the marriage'. I would have needed to be in a much stronger place in order to deal with trying to rebuild the marriage - and I truly believe now that it would have been necessary to start from ground zero.

Maybe the best I could have done at the time is to physically separate for a time. When we divorced, he told his family that we were doing that so I could focus on working on myself without having to worry about also working on the marriage but that maybe we'd get back together in five years. Ha. He is now engaged to another gal and I feel sorry for her. I have been feeling pretty sad about his getting remarried, though at this point, I know I'd never go back to him - it is more just wondering how healthy he really is and if he's going to hurt the new gal too. I would hate to see women coming and going as that will affect my ds.

I wish I'd been in more of a place of peace when I made my decision to divorce. It's been hard to deal with the 'what if's' and the grief of ending things because I feel like I wasn't 'done'. Seems like once you step through the door to a new life without the xh, it's really hard to step back through the door. There was another post today related to Dr. Phil talking about how to know when it is really time to divorce - in reading it, it did take me back to when I made my decision. I wish I'd done things a bit differently - but I still think I likely would have still divorced the xh. Just wish I'd been truly 'done' as I think it would have made it so much easier to move on.

Edited to add: My MIL did talk to me about what was going on - no-one in his family knew about the porn except for one person I'd confided in. I said he'd been looking at porn and she said her dh had done some stuff like that and 'couldn't you share that with him?' I nearly died....there was no way I was going to tell her about the child porn. I didn't want to shame him - so only one person in his extended family knows about that particular piece. So there are a lot of folks on that side that think I'm the messed up one. My family knows about all of it, though.

Please take care of yourself - and think of what is best for your kids too. Divorce isn't easy, but staying married may not be the best option for you or your kids, either.

Take care,
Abby




Edited 4/14/2006 2:12 pm ET by abbynwb
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 10:39pm

Being addicted to porn was just one of the many reasons my marriage failed. I honestly have no problem with pornography, but when it is used instead sex with a loving wife and when it is paid for before the bills it is obviously a problem. My now ex would actually turn me down for sex and then go online and look at pornography and satify himself. Then he would complain that I didn't initiate sex enough. I just got tired of asking and getting turned down. I was also very tired of the pornographic pop ups and the computer crashing because of all the stuff he downloaded on the computer. When my kids were very young we had about a week where they couldn't use the computer or be in the same room as anyone using it because we got a virus from one of the sites and porn videos would just pop up out of the blue. I totally feel for you, it's an awful feeling when a spouse would rather look at pictures by themselves than be with a real human being.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 11:21pm
It may be a "normal guy thing". I was told that many times. That is why I said it was my problem. I couldn't stand the way it made me feel about me. It made me feel ugly, unloved, and unwanted. Did a real number on my self esteem. This is either something you can live with or you can't.
Ask yourself, if he really loved me would he be doing something that visably and audibly hurts me so? It's an addiction. My ex couldn't stop. He knew he was hurting me. That made him hide it all the more. If your husband is willing to get some help maybe he can over come it. Mine never wanted to try.
My best advice to you is take care of you. Don't let this destroy you, like it did me. If I were you I would be upfront with my MIL. Now, others I think I would just keep it to myself. Your MIL already knows. It won't hurt for her to know the whole story.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 1:09am

Well, if it's a normal "guy thing".... he wouldn't be sneaking to do it behind your back and he wouldn't keep saying that he'll quit and get help.


He's not only disrespecting you and your marriage by seeking this... but he's disrespecting himself, too.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 1:14am

My EX would go online... or rent porn to watch... when I was at work (he just said he was working).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 4:38pm

Mine would look at night instead of coming to bed with me. Yes, I also knew some of his "fantasys" were do to the porn.

"What he didn't realize was.... he lost so much because he never took the time to know "me" and what I could bring to the sexual side of the relationship." AMEN!

Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

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