I've Fallen Out of Love with Him

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
I've Fallen Out of Love with Him
4
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 5:56am

What do you do when you fall out of love? I've been married for 5 years and am in my late 30's. I met him over the Internet, and we emailed or phoned everyday (it was a long distance relationship) and we visited several times over the 2 years before we got married. Over the past couple of years, I've seen our marriage slowly dissolve. We haven't had sex in about 3 years. Because I was a virgin when I married him (and he wasn't) we struggled with making it work, until one night in bed he called me "clumsy." We just eventually stopped doing it. I was under so much pressure, to be frank I don't miss doing it with him.

I find I can't talk to him anymore. I'll try and tell him something, like about my day at work. He doesn't even acknowledge what I say with an "uh-huh" or an "mmmm" or ANYTHING. Nothing. Just silence. It's like talking to a brick wall. And sometimes when I do try and talk to him he'll say things like, "oh, don't be stupid..." or he'll look at me like I have 3 heads, as if to say I'm an idiot. His condescending attitude has made me stop talking to him. After all, if I don't talk to him, he can't make comments.

I also realize that we have NOTHING in common. I have no interest in his discussions about world events or politics. He's not religious at all, and I'm Catholic. Yes, I knew that when I married him but didn't think it would cause problems. It didn't then, but does for me now. Also, he has no interest in my love of music (I'm a musician), which is a huge part of my life.

Having said all this...he can be funny, he's hard working and makes good money. I'm guessing he's probably right for someone, but not for me. I realize now that I married the wrong guy!

I don't know whether he realises these problems (well I'm sure he realizes the sex problem) and I know everyone will say "you need to talk to him" but how do you talk to a brick wall? Not to mention that I'm bound to break down and cry and he hates that.

Has anyone else ever fallen out of love? While I don't want to hurt him, I don't even want to try and make this work anymore. I want out. This marriage was a mistake!

I don't know if I'm looking for advice...to be truthful I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 8:27am

Feel free to vent away! That's part of the reason we're here :)


It really sounds like your mind is made up. You recognize the marriage was a mistake, and you want to rectify that. Even if you are 100% decided, I would still suggest going to a few counseling sessions. Like you, I knew the decision was right, but I struggled with guilt and still do. It's really helpful to have a third party to help you sort out your feelings and set you on the path to being single again.


Try not to be too hard on yourself. You gave it several years, tried to make it work, and now you know you can't. Give yourself permission to move on. Please keep us posted.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 11:09am

Thanks, it's nice to know I'm not alone in my feelings. I guess it IS guilt...and also wondering what my family will think of me. I'll be the first divorce in the family. Lots of things and thinking I need to work through. The first thing is actually having the nerve to start it all. We've just bought a brand new house. It's gorgeous and we'd be the envy of most people. But for me a marriage is about love, not about monetary things. I'd settle for living in a cramped one bedroom apartment if it meant being with someone who I truly loved, and who I knew truly loved me back.

Anyway..thanks very much. I'm not looking forward to the rocky road ahead!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 12:29pm

hugs...I am so sorry for your pain - it sounds like a terrible situation. (sounds a bit like my second husband, as a matter of fact)...

you know, i read your post and i think that its not so much that you 'fell out of love' -but more like you were never IN love in the first place. you really didn't know each other very well when you got married. i know you emailed and spoke on the phone daily - but that is NOT the same as having a real, one-on-one, every day relationship.

I am sorry that your husband wasn't patient with you regarding the sex. its too bad - because it can be beautful and wonderful with the right partner.

good for you for recognizing that you simply married the wrong man. please be careful the next time around. if i cna give you a little bit of advice: when i got divorced from my first husband, i didn't go to therapy because i thought the problems were *his* problems, and *I* didn't have any issues. and so i ended up getting married again, to the same *type* (even tho he seemed SOOOOOO different on the outside). it was only at the end of my second marriage that i went to therapy and worked on *my* issues. good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 1:48pm
You may be right about the "not being in love in the first place." I THOUGHT I was in love, though. All I know is...if I meet someone else we're going to live together first! Thanks for your kind words. I'll keep your comments about therapy in mind.