Question on ds refusing to see his Dad
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| Sat, 04-15-2006 - 6:12pm |
Was wondering if anyone had any experience of dealing with a child that is refusing to see his Dad? My 6yo ds was refusing to see his Dad last year when his Dad was often changing the days/times he was seeing him. I finally asked xh to please be consistent. We were for quite awhile and things settled down. Ds was happy to be going to see his Dad.
The past several months he has started having trouble again - related to Dad getting engaged and gf moving in. Ds does not deal well with changes and he has started acting out - mostly around me. I have been dealing with that as best I can. He rarely acts out around his Dad - his Dad doesn't seem overly concerned, so I figure I'm on my own with that.
His Dad was out of town recently and ds didn't see him for a week and a half. Since then, he's really been digging in his heels - he doesn't want to talk to his dad on the phone, read text messages from him, send messages, go to see his Dad, hear me talk about his Dad, etc. He even put a bunch of bricks in the driveway 'to keep other people away'.
It took about 45 minutes to get him to go to his overnight visit last week, and more than an hour last night. His Dad just kind of laughed it off and said it was a 'stage' he was in.
I don't know if I should 'make' my son go? At this point, he is big enough I can't force him to get into the car. He did finally say he'd go to his Dad's last night if Dad would sleep all night in his room. His Dad said he'd come over to get him since ds was not willing to have me drive him over. Ds said OK and then 10 minutes later turned into a basket case and said I had to take him - he didn't want to see his Dad in our house! I did drive him over - I just wanted to get him over there!
Maybe there is a better way to handle all this? I am so tired from dealing with his acting out several times each day already! I don't want to have to deal with this too.
TIA for any advice,
Abby

this was one thing i didn't have to deal with (it was the other way around with my DS - his sperm-donor is the one who refused to see HIM).
I guess that i would talk to a professional at this point. your son is obviously angry at his father, and probably at you - and he probably doesn't know how to deal with all his emotions. at the same time - you don't want to just 'let him off the hook' so that every time he doesn't feel like doing something - he will just not do it. he has to learn how to deal with his anger and frustration in a positive and healthy way, and at the same time you do have to protect him.
what i WOULD do tho is stop trying to force him at this point. YOU should not be having to force him to go - this is your ex's responsibility. you get your son's stuff ready, inform your son that 'daddy will pick you up at 6 o'clock' and let his dad deal with it - seriously, you just need to walk away. but - again - i wouldn't just let this go by and i would talk to a professinal.
That's tough!.... but I do think that having dad come and get him... and letting DAD be more involved in nurturing the relationship is the best route.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks!
I talked to the Vice Principal at school today, we decided to have the school psychologist talk to him. I am considering looking for counseling for ds outside of school, as well.
I am in the process of getting my son evaluated to find out if he is on the autistic spectrum. He has such a very hard time with changes and always has. I think that makes it very hard for him when the visitation schedule changes. I know things come up, but I really, really want things to be as consistent as possible for my son. I let his Dad change visitation every time he wanted to last summer and my son ended up very, very distressed and was refusing to see his Dad then. Once I insisted on consistency, things got a lot better - until ds found out Dad was engaged.
I have a hard time figuring out how to juggle it all - my son needs and wants consistency, I want him to have a good relationship with his Dad, my xh has a new life, a fiancee, and things he wants to go do that he says he 'can't fit around the visitation schedule.' I found last summer that when I accomodated so many changes for the xh, I had no life of my own - everything revolved around the xh. The last several months, because my ds is having so many melt-downs each week related to the changes going on at his Dad's, I again feel like I have no life of my own. So much of my time and energy is taken up dealing with helping my ds. I've had to cut back at work - thank goodness they are willing to be flexible right now!!! I was scared I would lose my job.
I worked some more on some paperwork for the developmental pediatrician who is going to do the evaluation on my ds. I am hoping to have it finished up this week. In addition to other things, I am hoping to find ways to help my son be more flexible - it will be a good thing to have as he grows up.
I am really hoping to find out how much of ds's behavior is the way other kids would react to divorce and how much is due to his HUGE resistance to change. I can easily imagine that my xh (who usually seems so uncooperative) may see the things I do like insisting on consistency as my trying to control his life. I don't want him to see it that way. I am trying to do what is best for my son - and I feel like I'm screwing up.
I have been trying to let my xh do more in the nurturing area. An example: if my son has a melt-down when we are both there, I am letting the xh handle it. I am going to try and do my best to keep stepping back and letting the xh take on more of the nurturing, etc. It is hard as when we were all together, he apparently had a porn addiction and he very rarely ever spent any one-on-one time with ds.
This Friday, if my ds doesn't want to go to his Dad's, then Dad can come talk to him. Last weekend, xh wasn't all that concerned and also said he didn't want to 'traumatize' our son by 'making' him go with him - he was perfectly willing to skip the overnight visit. I am still feeling a bit stunned by that....not too sure what to make of it.
Thanks again! It helps to hear from others on this board!
Definitely, if you think there is a developmental issue going on, you need to figure that out.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~