Help with making a decision - stay or go
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| Thu, 04-05-2007 - 12:05am |
I was just wondering if anyone had any resources they would like to share to help someone who is on the fence about whether or not to get a divorce.
I have been dealing with the same issues for over a year now, and despite my efforts to move on from them, the same issues just keep coming back. It's tough for me because I really care about H, but I feel like our life goals are really starting to shift in different directions. I feel like what I want in life and a partner isn't what he wants anymore or is able to provide me. Nor do I feel like I can be the person he needs either. I still love and care about him, even if I don't feel emotionally invested anymore...and I feel like it would be good for both of us to move on and hopefully find someone better for us in the long run.
But at the same time, I still care for him and think he's a great guy, but I can't seem to shake the same issues that keep popping back up no matter how many times I try to convince myself they aren't a problem. Issues with financial security, whether or not to have kids, interest/lifestyle differences, substance differences, etc. I'm not even sure if I want to do counseling because I feel like I need to make a rational decision that is best for what I truly need in life, and I'm afraid that if I got into counseling with him, the emotional side would take over and I'd stay and try to make it work. In fact, I've done just this many times after analyzing things, but the issues never go away. Plus I think I tend to over-analzye things to the point where I certain divorce is the best for both of us, but I over think it to the point I convince myself I shouldn't go through with it. I'm driving myself crazy!
What I'm hoping for is some guidance in trying to figure out if divorce is the right decision or not. Whether it be websites, quizzes, questions anyone here has from their own experiences...I just need some help because I don't want to just give up without making the effort to consider all of the different aspects of our marriage first. Any advice??
Thank you all so much for listening and any help or insight you can provide :)

Well, I think that what you really have to focus on is... is this how you want to live the rest of your life... *or*... is it worth being on your own (rather than better off being able to find someone new--that may or may not happen :-) so, are you at a point where you feel like you'd be better off by yourself?)
Sure, the possibilities for the future are wide open, but if you make a decision where you are even remotely thinking about finding someone new, it can completely skew your line of thinking... and leave you feeling VERY empty and lost if you make the decision to leave... and you are by yourself, even for a healthy amount of time... if that makes sense.
I also think that sometimes, you can evaluate where you are... where you've been... and where you think you're headed... and know that it's better to call it quits before things get bitter, uncomfortable and ugly.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Stay,
The questions you pose are not uncommon in marriage. Very often these basic issues can be a source of division for the simple reason we don't talk about them. Have the two of you shared with each other your concepts of financial stability, children, etc? If not, then I highly recommend you start those conversations, and by all means, engage the services of a professional marriage counselor to help you if you find it hard to so.
Marriage is also not a static relationship. There will be times when you grow together, grow apart, grow in different directions at different rates, but you're still marriage partners. Again, a marriage counselor can help you understand the dynamics of marriage and how you and your spouse can work together to achieve your life together as a couple as well as individuals.
Finally, recognize marriage isn't all about "me" or "him." It's a partnership; not a contest. It's not our spouse's responsibility to do all the work of making us happy or vice versa. It's about working together and sharing life's journeys. Leaving your marriage may free you up to do all the things you want to do your own way, but marrying someone else isn't going to change your discontent if you expect that person to match your dreams and visions.
Good luck,
CL-Wisdomtooth2020