Getting used to being alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Getting used to being alone
11
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 6:27am

This is mostly directed to the older ladies here. How did you get used to being alone? At 48, when this divorce is final, I know the most likely scenario is I will spend the rest of my life alone. Probably would have anyway since stbx has had three heart attacks and won't clean up his lifestyle but, at least, then I wouldn't have lost half our assets first so it would have been easier.

I figure he's going to end up with some kind of unsupervised parenting time. Possibly 50% of the time (I hope not because he's not a 50% parent but that's the default position of the courts here and proving alcoholism can be hard when dealing with a functional alcholic). I've already decided I'm not staying in the house if that happens. I can't stand living here half the time without my kids.

Ok, how do I go about making new friends and finding things to be involved in? We don't have couple friends so I'm not losing friends but my life has been work, my kids and grad school for so long, I have no life outside of family. How do you start over at 48?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 8:36am
Good luck. I know it is directed toward older ladies, but I would be interested in hearing advice as well. I am younger (30) but we have no kids, and I am losing several couples friends over this. *sigh* I need to know how to get out and make "single life" friends as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:46pm

Don't think of it as 'starting over'. Think of it as "enhancing what you already have".

You must have *some* interests .... is there anything you've ever wanted to try but never got to it? Something you used to love doing but let fall by the wayside? Now is your chance to reinvent yourself ... be who you always wanted to be. Start with one thing...

glammie . . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 7:41pm

Hey,

I started to email you earlier this morning, but didn't get a chance to finish it. Your life by no way is over, it is just going to be different. I got divorced at 49 and thought I wouldn't make it. Things will never be the same again, but nothing ever is when change comes along. Now is the time to think of you. Sometimes it's lonely, but those are the times you cuddle up with a good book or TV and your favorite food. You will eventually find new friends and new things to do. It all takes time. It's hard, but you don't even realize how many people are out there in the same situation. The new friendships you make are going to be so much nicer because you are making them with just you. Starting over is challenging, but fun also. Hang in there....it only gets better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 9:53am

I am 47; will be 48 before the divorce is final (our state requires a year apart). I don't know about starting over ... for me I see it as continuing on with some of the really precious friendships I already have and making gradual changes based on my changed marital status and economic status (that part is going to be very very tough on me and my children).

I have my moments of thinking wistfully of a comfortable relationship and s%x and all that and wish for it, but like you, am realistic. I think we can live rich satisfying lives "on our own," but it will take awhile to develop.

For the near-term I know my children and their activities and the relationships surrounding those will dominate my life. Eventually, as they grow (mine are 5 and 6 yo) I will increase my volunteering and self-interest activities and fill my life that way. I think in giving of self one can have remarkably rewarding relationships. I have certainly found that so far. I hope to become and even more generous person with my single life.

Does that help at all?

I don't have it all figured out, but that's my thinking right now.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 12:03pm

Hi-40 here. Newly divorce-Just moved out-selling house-Here are some suggestions

1. Try meetup.com-tons of stuff
2. Take a class on stuff you like poetry cooking etc
3. Call people make plans

I have a guy am dating now and my friends, so bleieve me the days the kids are with my ex I am not bored lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 12:47pm

I am 45 and just freshly divorced this week after almost two years of going through the hideous process. It was the hardest at first, but it was also liberating at the same time. I dated some and then was set up by my best friend and her husband with a friend of theirs and as a result I have found a wonderful and awesome man (also going a divorce) that I cannot ever see not in my future. He is a pilot and I have been able to travel to Venice, Paris and Nice with him. Now only two years ago I could have never imagined doing that. He lives on the East coast, while I live in Colorado, so we see each other about once a month. In between that time, I keep myself busy and occupied as best as I can.

In addition to working full time, I keep somewhat busy with the kids' activities. They're older now (13 & 17), so it's not as time consuming. I have done some volunteering for underprivileged women and children, which was extremely rewarding at Christmastime and seeing people who have less than I. I have taken a couple painting classes. I have also reconnected with some of my friends on a much more frequent basis, and have made new friends. I've seen where you can look up groups on line to join people with similar interests. Like the other post said, try meetup.com. That looks interesting.

It's not easy starting over, esp at mid life, but it can be done and it is done every day. Good luck and know that there are lots of us out there trying to figure out the same things as you!

Belinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 1:51pm

Hi there,

I have never lived by myself before until after the divorce. But I must say now I think living alone is great. Once you get used to keep your own company you will relish in your time alone. I recently started to volunteer at the community book store and it is really nice to meet local book lovers who come and discuss books with me.

Think about what you want to do and start doing it. You can also look into your community paper to see what activities interest you and show up. Like the other posters suggested, meetup.com is also a good place to start. I went to a few meet up and met nice people. Also, if you try to open up and initiate invitations to other women, you will make some interesting friends.

Good luck to you. It will get better...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 1:57pm

I am 39 and just starting the separation process myself. I have two daughters 5&3 and other than that I have no family at all. I panicked at first at the thought of being on my own but the deeper I get into this, I have realized I will have lots to keep me busy. I do work full time so that fills a great deal of my time. There are a few social opportunities at work that up until now I have not participated in but I will force myself to attend now (I think it is important to venture out of your comfort zone at this time in your life).
Like the other posters I also volunteer my professional services to three different and very fulfilling charities. That has been wonderful for me and also a very nice social outlet. I am booking my children's activities on my nights with them (swimming, soccer, dance etc). I am moving into a new neighbourhood so I suspect I will meet new neighbours - again I am a bit shy but I wil be forced to venture out of my comfort zone to help my daughters feel more intergrated and welcome.

Another thing I would suggest is that there are many many recreational sports organizations that you could sign up for. I always enjoyed playing volleyball but I was never ever good enough for a high school team etc. So I joined a recreationsl co-ed sports group for adults to play. Many church groups offer this, the YMCA and local community etc. I would highly suggest it. It is just people out to have fun, some a married, some widowed, some divorced but it doesn't matter. You could join a scarpbooking group - anything that will get you out of the house. Join a gym, you will meet people that way, a reading group, etc etc take golf or ski lessons, learn to play the piano. The sky's the limit.

Also once I started opening up and letting people know that I was separating, people started coming out of the woodwork offering support of all kinds. Whatever you do, get out there and find an interest that you are comfortable with and you will find like minded people that way.

Best of luck to you!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 9:51pm

Hi gr8


I don't have much advice for you expect to say your not alone,after 26years of M and a 3 year long D process my D was final in Sept of 2006,I am 50 and no kids and alone. My stbx is and has been involved and from what I hear very much in love and is as of right now planning on moving in with her and getting M in the future.


All of "our" friends are now his friends,and he has been telling one lie after another about out M life,so my feelings are if "our" friends are believing what he is telling them,they were never my friends to begin with.


The X finally moved out in Jan of 2005 ,he filed for D is Nov of 2003 but continued to live in the same house as me all of 2004 ,never speaking to me for a full year,but anyway he moves out in Jan of 2005 and 2 months later he meets his "soulmate"*(his words)puke . So he is the one who wanted this D and now who is alone,not him.


I am just taking it day by day,if I think about the future and the realization that I may be alone for the rest of my life I would not have the strength to get out of bed. And sorry for TMI but I have not been hugged or kissed or had s*x in 4years,so that makes me feel even more alone.


I feel like I am damaged goods,and lets face facts,I am a free woman now and its not like men are knocking down the door to get to me,and its not like my phone is ringing off the hook.


So sorry I can be of more help,but I just wanted to let you know,your not alone. Also right now I cant afford to go out or anything,I am lucky if I have enough $$ for food at the end of the week.


The Xs g/f has big bucks and they are in the process of looking to build a new home for the 2 of them,of course the X just built a new home in 2003,one month after I received my D papers,all of this and he fought me for 3years over the amount of alimony he should pay.


All I can say is life is not fair,but I do believe in "what goes around ,comes around" so just waiting for the X to get what he deserves.


Hang in there,Sb


"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." ...Helen Keller


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 10:29pm
Hi, I'm 55. Divorced one, buried the other. The later was so much easier. Don't have to see him with someone else. I've not dated at all, have no desire to. To many crazies out there. If things get to bad for you, I've got a 26 yr. old son you can have. Right now he's taking up space in my Apt. I enjoy my alone time. Funny how life turns out. Just about the time I think wow I'm going to be here alone, another kid comes knocking at the door. I always said if I won the lottery I'd build a one room house. That way no room for kids. Anyway just another point of view. What I've seen out there, You ain't missin nothin.

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