On the Edge, Not a Good One

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
On the Edge, Not a Good One
3
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 6:36am

Hi Everyone,

Haven't been here in a while. Going through my divorce for the second time with my husband of 17 years.

Right now I am completely a mess. I am looking around and thinking I made a huge mistake again. This is my second separation from him, we reconciled the last time because I got scared again and missed him.

Now I am feeling so badly that I am afraid. I hurt my children, my parents and him. Most of all I am hurting.

Why do I think that there is something better for me. He cheated on me 5 years ago. A one time thing on a trip. I was shocked. I stayed with him for a year. During that time I got emotionally involved with someone for 3 months. This person was my life line. Completely wrong. I felt love and joy.

We separated 6 months later. I just couldn't find happiness with him. We needed therapy. He wouldn't go. I went anyway. He thougth that I should get over what he did, he got over what I did. Our relationship was never the same.

During the separation, he did some aweful things. He slept with a friend. He turned my parents against me by telling them what I did and made my life miserable.

I went back after a panic attack. Things were okay. He took a job in another state, I quit mine. We moved and he basically left me alone for hours and days. I had no friends, no job. He never had time for me. Just when he wanted sex. I know he had major responsibilities, but I needed some support. He was still communicating with his old girlfriend. He received text messages from woman that worked in the company late at night. I just didn't trust him. One night he claimed there was a fire, there wasn't. I read his text messages and he was out looking for woman. He said someone else typed it.

I was a mess again. I got involved with someone again. Yes mistake number two. What is wrong with me.

I miss my life, but I get involved in things. What is the matter with me.

I want my life back, but I don't deserve it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 8:51am
You're human. <<>> We make mistakes. We sometimes don't think things through and think the grass is greener on the other side. I wish you the best in figuring out what you want and finding happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 6:20pm

Yes, you do deserve to have your life... and a good one!


Ya know, it sounds like you both made some mistakes... and change isn't easy, but... most of all, it still sounds like what you are doing trying to stay with him isn't working.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 10:07pm

madison

you will be fine. take a deep breath. my mother told me a few months ago when i disclosed my A to her that "even a dog needs a pat on the head every once and a while." you are human, you needed someone to help you get through. many many people do what we have done. i read somewhere that 75-80% of all married couples experience some type of infidelity. no wonder the divorce rate is 60%!

my stbx was also unavailable to me. emotionally, spirtitually, physically, financially. i put up with it for a very long time. when we lost our home, i left him. now that i've left him, he's "dying inside" how could i do this to him, i'm the love of his life, without me his life means nothing, etc...... WOW!! its all about him, how i could do this to him, him him him. (i should mention that its been about 3 weeks since he discovered my A. and the past three weeks have been PURE HELL!!)

i am telling you this because you are not alone madison. you may feel as if you are, but you are not. put on your oxygen mask first, than think it through. you know the answer, and you will find it.

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