Mixed Signals

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mixed Signals
3
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 1:13pm

I'm really confused. DH is still living at home, sleeping in our bed next to me, and seems genuinely happy at home, but when we talk about things, he says he's going to move out...soon. Last night, he said I was his best friend. Of course, this is what I always wanted, to be that to him. He puckers and kisses at me as I walk past him and last night we cuddled in bed watching tv. It was a very pleasant evening, really. We didn't talk about it, it never came up. We just were there together and talked when we wanted to and were quiet or doing what we needed to do otherwise. I had laundry to fold and some homework to finish for my class and he watched the kids. We watched part of a movie together until I got up to go do what else I needed to do. He helped me get stuff straightened in the kitchen and put the baby to bed. I saw how happy we were last night and I just knew we could make it. He says we need to be apart so we can heal, but after last night, maybe if we both just drop it and stop talking about the problems and make an effort to just get along and not say hurtful things, it could be so good. Of course I am still going to go to counseling and get the help I need adjusting my insecurities, but you know what? DH was gone all weekend to his friend's and I never asked anything about the weekend. I just hugged him as he came home and said I was glad he was home. I thought it would drive me nuts to not know, but I know in my heart he was good. I know in my heart he behaved. I just don't need to know. I love him enough NOT to ask as he didn't ask about my night out Friday, only if I had fun. It's called trust. And I can have that. I want him so badly and I know that we can make it. I just hope these mixed signals stop and I guess if we don't talk about it, maybe he'll see how dedicated I am to making it work and he will be too.

~Melissa~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: lissa91
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 1:40pm

Hi, Melissa. I just wanted to check in and see how everything's going with your H. Being in a state of limbo can be very tough.

Also, you're not the only person with insecurities. Many of us suffer from security issues, especially in our second marriages.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2007
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 2:39pm
Hello, just brace yourself don't get comfortable because me and hubby did the same thing he kept saying he was leaving but we were getting along and things seemed normal and then boom when he had the chance to go he ran. It is hard so be prepared. even though he kept telling me he was unhappy and that he was going to leave I just didn't believe him but it was a shock to me I didn't believe it even though he said it over and over but he didn't act like he really would. Boy was I wrong he has been gone now for 2 month. I’m ok here and there and we still love each other but I don't understand why. We are going to start therapy this week and may be things will get better but. Good luck be strong and be prepared
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2005
In reply to: lissa91
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 5:17pm

Without writting a whole novel here let me just say,I have been there. Listen men only get away with what you let them. Yes you should make the home a place he wants to come home to and also not get in confortation with him, that will push him away. But stand up for yourself.
My husband did leave several times , we have children together.
We are reconciled and never went through the divorce. And the marrage is better than ever ,not grat but I am at least respected because I respect myself. And my faith played a big part. Anyway this is what I have learned.

If he lieaves it will be extreamly hrd on you and it will consume you ,but you will get through it. (I was pregnant and had my baby through all of this and he had a girlfriend)So if I can get through it so can you. You have to get to the point where you say I deserve better than this treatment ,I can not consume myself and have my day be valued by what goes on with my husband. You will soon get to the point to either youll ralize your self worth and not want him or you at least be ok with being with or witout him thats when your trully healed.
Now if he stays just make the best of it do your thing if he goes out you go outeven if its to sit in a parking lot in your car. Be couragible and your regular loving self but don't be so available. I got to the point to where i justsaid I had enough I love him but him being just being here is not enough. I deserve to be taken out ,deserve to be respected. And I went and filed the first set of divorce papers he was suprised to be dserved at work . And thats what got him out of his rut for good.
Our seperation as hard as it was made us realize our love for each other. And I realized my love of self. Me filing for divorce(filled out the paperwork myself,no attorney) made it real. But you have to be in that place where you can be ok with or without him.