Have you had this experience?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Have you had this experience?
10
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 12:41pm

stbx received his court order yesterday. in it, the sole custody and child support information. he called naturally, and i told him to discuss it with the my attorney.

last night, he sends me yet another pleading email, begging me to give him another chance; pouring out his heart not for his sake, but for the sake of our children.

OK, WHAT DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND? he drinks, alot, to the point where he hasn't slept in the same bed with me for 4 years because he passes out on the couch, to the point where he hasn't been able to hold a job, to the point where he had to sell his car to get money to pay bills, to the point where we lost our home, filed bankruptcy, i lost over 100k in MY retirement account. its gone, its all gone, because he drinks. and i know that this is all just STUFF. i don't care about the stuff, but come on. i am 40 years old. our children are 10 & 15. it would be nice not to worry how we are going to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads.

i do love him, and i wish it could work, but i just don't see how. maybe i am being dramatic here, but for the love of god. the guilt is tremendous, the anger is overwhelming. why does he keep doing this to me??

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 1:07pm

Well my circumstances are different but I kind of see you in a similar position as I am. My STBX was verbally abusive and his behaviour was escalating. He chose to leave fully believing that the grass was greener. He sampled some and realized I was the woman of his dreams, but now that I have had a chance to really reflect on our relationship, I want out. I do not love him and I need to look after my own happiness. I am not completely writing off the chance of a reconciliation and he knows that. For now though - I need to separate. He has hurt me a great deal and I do not trust or love him any more. I mean I will always have love for him, but I am not in love with him. The only way to heal is to take a break. That way we can see if some of the bad memories will fade and his bad behaviour has really changed for the better. Then, maybe I will fall in love with him again. Than again maybe not - all I know if is that I can never go back to the life I had with him. It was really awful for me. I tried and tried and tried again to make things work, forgave him time and again for poor choices and decisions, for insulting me and my intelligence, for not participating in our family, etc etc etc. I tried. period. But I was all alone. I was pushed to my breaking point and enough was enough. I can't and won't go back to that. I deserve more. He has aknowledged his mistakes and he has taken some solid steps to turn his bad behaviour around. Good for him, that is fabulous for our children. He needed to do it anyway. Never say never, but for now your heart and your head are ready to pack in this old life for a second chance to make it right.

(((((hugs)))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 1:41pm

rose

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i understand this completely. when i say i do love him, i mean as you said, having love for him, not in love with him.

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again, ditto. i am so sad about all that has happened, but i am happy that the drunk man is no longer sleeping on my couch. i would come downstairs in the morning to get ds off to hs at 6:15 am and there he is, sleeping on the couch. i would get ready for work and take dd to school at 8:30, and yep, still sleeping it off on the couch. in the mean time, the bills are piling up, the mortgage isn't paid, the phone is ringing at 8 am with collection calls.
then i would come home from work at 5:30 and there he is back on the couch. didn't go to work, because his blood pressure was up, or he had a head ache, or his back hurt, or my favorite: I WAS TIRED. all the time with these excuses, sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand. the dishes aren't done from the past two nights, because i am doing homework and trying to keep my head above water. wow, the stress!!

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 2:03pm

I honestly believe that you owe it to yourself and your children to eek out as much normalcy that you possibly can. It is so easy for me to sit here at my desk and type this note to you saying you need cut your losses and leave now. But at the end of the day you are the one that has to live with that decision. I know I kept looking to others on this board to help guide me in my choices and decisions, but ultimately it was up to me to take the action that was right for my life. I have a feeling that given some time to help heal the wounds, that your children would thank you for getting them out of that situation. It must be very hurtful for them to see their father like this and their mother so stressed and hurt.

I thought STBX and I were doing a good job of hiding our "issues" from our daughters (5&3) but my 5 yr old asked me if "mommy and daddy were getting their own homes because it would be less frustrating that way?" Children are very perceptive. Your kids know what is going on and the damage their father is doing.

I can honestly say that I feel very optimistic about my future. I feel like my old self again - at least I am getting there. I have a zest for life that I have been missing for years. I used to drink socially, my STBX always drank too much so I basically stopped drinking all together. Why, because I did not want to condone his behaviour and he was a jerk when he drank and I did not want to partake in that with him. Even when I was with my girlfriends, I would rarely enjoy a glass of wine. Something so simple but so indicative of wat my life had become. STBX had sucked the joy and fun out of life for me. That is no way to live. Your H is exposing your children to an unacceptable lifestyle. Show them what life should really be like. I truely hope that you find the strength and support that you need to follow through and create a new life for your family.

((((((hugs)))))))
Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 2:28pm

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yes, i thought this as well. i now have a roommate and i said to her last night, "we need to pay bills tomorrow". my 10 year old dd, said, "wow mommy, you don't get upset over bills anymore. is that because "roommate" has a job, and daddy didn't?"

she has also told me over the past few weeks that she misses coming downstairs in the morning and seeing daddy sleeping on the couch, and another positive note: you seem happier mommy since we moved out. you don't cry and there isn't any yelling.

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 3:49pm

What,


Your husband is an alcoholic. If alcohol wasn't so important to him he would be able to hold down a job, pay the bills, be there for you and your children. But alcohol rules his life. Now he has to face the consequences of his addiction. For him, I recommend Alcoholics Anonymous. If he really wants to change, he'll agree to go. He needs help to deal with his drinking. If he refuses, he's just trying for a quick fix. If you agree to drop the divorce, he'll go right back to drinking first, everything else second.


An alcoholic isn't going to change overnight. Many can't. Many won't. But, it's not your responsibility to help him quit drinking, only he can do that. You have the right to take care of yourself and your children. Divorce isn't easy, but it can be the best thing depending on your situation.


I encourage you to stay the course and not let him off the hook by backing down. If you do, it's called enabling him i.e. enabling him to go back to drinking without consequence. For you and your children I recommend ALANON (www.alanon.com), this is a sister organization to alcoholics anonymous. It's not about accepting your husband's drinking problem, its about finding support to move on with your life in spite of his drinking problem.


Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

Wisdomtooth2020

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 4:09pm

wisdom

i know you are right. i will not back out of this divorce. i need to go forward, without him. the emails, the vms and texts are gut wretnching. i know he is hurt. and i know his heart is in the right place. we cannot live like that anymore. its so sad.

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 4:23pm
I hate to be so blunt but cut your losses and move on. I wish I had done so earlier. I am now facing a divorce settlement where he is getting all the assets I worked so hard to save when he spent any asset he had on gambling and who knows what else. You have lost so much already both financially and emotionally don't lose anything else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 4:31pm

What - when my STBX started begging, crying, pleading with me to please give him another chance, I told him that I forgave him and that he needed to forgive himself. I forgave him but that I couldn't forget and that for now, I felt we needed to separate. I think it made him feel a lot better to know that I didn't hate him. In fact I deeply care about him but I could no longer just ignore all of the issues his bad behaviour had created in our married life. I needed to stand up and regain my self esteem and dignity. I was dying inside and I didn't even realize it at the time. I know it is hard to see them hitting rock bottom, but that is something they have to do in order to turn their lives around. This is the hardest part - you are clearly a very loving and caring person. He knows that and will try to use those qualities to his advantage. The best thing you can do for him is also the best thing you can do for yourself, give him the nudge he needs to find the help he so deparately requires. The comments that your daughter has made to you speaks volumes. You are doing the right thing. I am sure he loves his children very much, maybe when he is in the right frame of mind you could share some of the revelations that your daughter has shared with you. He needs help and your children can no longer bare witness to his destructive habit.

(((((hugs))))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 8:25am

what, I went through the same thing you did. After years of ridiculous, neglectful, awful behavior, I finally decided to pull the plug on the marriage. I filed once, backed out because of guilt, filed AGAIN, and even considered backing out that second time because of guilt. Let me tell you, I am SO glad I went through with it! My life is such a happy, decent, more peaceful place now. My ex also begged me to take him back. At some point, we must realize that the begging and pleasing is usually temporary, as are the supposed changes they undergo to win us back.

No more guilt! You have given your STBX more than enough time to get his act together. I don't know about you, but even though I was treated terribly, I still felt like I had to get permission to leave the marriage. My therapist gave me that "permission," and it felt wonderful. So I'll give it to you! You can divorce now....it's OK. You're entitled to move on with your life and be happy after all you've endured.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 10:02am

justice

thank you for your support. i am so happy i can come here with my uncertainty and have others who have btdt tell what i need to remember. i want this divorce. it is better for my children and ME.

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