separated

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
separated
5
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 10:39am

My soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law passed away this week and I wonder if I should go to the memorial service. I never felt close to her and she did get on my nerves a lot. I only saw her when I had to (for family get-togethers, etc.) However, i realize she is still the grandmother of my two daughters. And there are a few things that I DID like about her.

My one daughter doesn't think I should go (no reason given) and my other daughter "sort of" thinks I should go. (My daughters are in their late 20's)

Also, I have a friend that was difficult to get a hold of who is coming over at that same time to help me finish my taxes. this is the only time we will be able to do them. Of course everything has to happen at once. My taxes have to be sent out in a few days. I am trouble making a choice on what to do.

Anyone that can help me make this decision???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: aspenjuly
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 10:56am

aspen

there is nothing wrong with going to pay your repects. are you on good terms with your stbx or stbx's father? if not, perhaps you could go on the off hours. call the funeral home and see if it would be ok.

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
In reply to: aspenjuly
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 5:15am

I lost my dad last week just a few days after stbx moved out. I say it depends on your relationship with the family. After what I've just been through, I would say, attend the memorial service but don't attend the visitation. STBX's presence at the service didn't bother me but the $hit that was said at the visitation did. I was VERY uncomfortable with him at the visitation. I felt I couldn't grieve. There were enough people at the funeral that I wasn't offended by his being there and he, surprisingly, had the good sense not to attend the luncheon.

Go to the funeral, tell the famiy you are sorry and then leave. Don't do a luncheon or hang around at the funeral home. All you'll do is make people uncomfortable unless you have a very amicable divorce going on. STBX and I do not because of his drinking and having involved dd#1 in his plan to move out (she's, OBVIOUSLY, my replacement and that scares the $hit out of me).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
In reply to: aspenjuly
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 2:21am

Let me offer my condolences for your loss. Although you may not have been very close to her, I would at least go to the memorial service, but decline any other invitations. If that is not an option, what about sending flowers or a card offering prayers and condolences to the remaining family. If neither is an option, you could always take flowers to the cemetery at a later date and pay your respects then, privately.

My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family,
Becka

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: aspenjuly
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 9:52am

Let me also offer my sympathies for your loss... I have been through this, in ways... my then stbxh's grandmother passed away during our separation... we were all very close, so I was very involved at the hospital when she passed, the planning of the funeral, etc... along with my stbxil's... had I not been so close, I don't know that I would have been so involved, obviously...

My grandfather just passed away in November and my parents are divorced... my father, who lives in another state from where the funeral and services were held, sent flowers and a card, which were very well received by the family... my former uncle (divorced my aunt 10 plus years ago), came to the funeral mass, the burial and then invited himself back for the family lunch afterwards... it was very awkward as there were many of us there who were glad he came to show his respects, but frankly did not want him there afterwards, if that makes sense...

If, due to the scheduling of your taxes, you are unable to attend, I would send flowers with a card... if you can attend, I would attend the funeral services only, expressing sympathy to the family...

Good Luck... and let us know what you decide.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2006
In reply to: aspenjuly
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 10:53pm

I share everyone's sympathy for your loss. Would it be possible to ask your STBX what would be most comfortable for him? Let him know that you want to be respectful and caring at this time to him and his family.

My mother is very ill and if she passes away soon, I know my family would not want my STBX there and I would not want him there. In fact, if the situation arises, I plan to ask him not to attend but to be nearby to help with the kids (who are very young). But that is a situational thing - and might not apply to your situation at all.

It sounds like your adult daughters might have some insight even if they are unable to share it with you.

It is a complicated situation and my thoughts are with you