Question about telling the kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Question about telling the kids
5
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 5:52pm

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this board...been lurking for a few weeks as I finalized my decision to divorce and now I have a question...I'm sure it won't be the first! :-)

My H informed me today that he thinks it would be better for the kids (they range in age from 10 - 14) if we didn't tell them until AFTER the D is completed, done and final. He thinks if we tell them at the beginning of the process they will be living on eggshells and in limbo worrying about everything. I can see his point to a degree...if we have all the details worked out and finalized before we tell them we will have concrete answers to their questions about living arrangements, etc. I also worry though that it might be to drastic to say "hey kids, we got a D and here is how things will change from now on."

Have any of you ever done it this way? What were your experiences in general with telling the kids and what advise can you offer? We separated a couple of years ago (he moved back home after a year) and when we told the kids about that it was a train wreck. We told them about a week before H moved out to let it sink in but on the day that he was leaving to go to his "new" residence my oldest threw herself in front of the door and screamed "Daddy, don't leave me." It was horrible. We ended up letting her go with him that night so she could see that he wasn't leaving "her" just the house. I don't want to have that happen again. Thoughts?

BB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2007
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 10:29pm

Hi BB,

I don't post often, but have been lurking for awhile. My D became final last week and my kids have no idea. My xh moved out last July and we told them within a few days that we would be getting a divorce. As far as they were concerned we were divorced then. They've had no idea that we've seen lawyers, had court appointments or that it is final now. We didn't feel they needed to know any of those details since it didn't affect them or change life as they knew it. Their world changed when their dad moved out, but they didn't need to deal with the finality of the divorce itself.

Good luck to you!
Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:12am

Don't underestimate your kids!


I told my kids just as soon as I knew where we were moving... in other words, once I had answers for most of the logistics, I told them.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 11:44am

buffalobillie

your children are the same ages as mine when i told them. i told them separately, without their father, and i told them when i took them away for the weekend to visit my parents. it was important for me to have family close by. it was hard, but it gave them time to process the information. (my son, i told 3 months before we moved out, my daughter i told 3 weeks before moving day) i was very upfront with my reasons, and laid it all out for them. they knew where we would be living, how we were going to afford it, they knew that they would be attending the same schools, and most importantly, they knew their father would be there for them. (even though i wanted him to drop dead at that point.

i purchased a book recently entitled "why did you have to get a divorce, and when can i get a hamster". i don't know who wrote it or if the title is acurate, but it is a book that helps make these discussions easier.

i have a very strained relationship with my stbx right now. i am trying very hard to keep that from my kids, and i believe i am doing a good job. the most important thing you can do for them is be honest, and upfront. they are smart and probably already know things aren't right at home.

good luck

what

what
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 5:28pm

I had already signed a lease and had the papers ready to go by the time I told my ex-H, we filed the papers about a ten days later and we sat down with our kids together and told them that things were going to change and mom and dad weren't going to live together anymore. I moved out by the end of the week. By the time the D was final, I had already met a new guy and he had moved in with me.

It probably doesn't matter exactly when you tell them, the real key is to tell them honestly and to give them every assurance that both parents still love them and can both raise them (depending on your circumstances of course).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 2:36pm

Thanks everyone for your words of support. The more I think about this, I think it would be worse to keep it from the kids. They DO know there is tension, although I think that when we tell them they won't see it coming. But then again, like wild pointed out, kids are surprisingly aware of things.

I am struggling with this so much because of the kids. I know I won't survive in this marriage but it affects more people than just me. H stands firm that he doesn't want a D but will "give me what I want." He also stands firm that he plans on being "honest" with the kids and when they ask why the divorce he will tell them that "mommy isn't willing to work on it." Unfortunately I'm not willing to drag out the dirty laundry to them or tell them that their dad is verbally (and one time physically) abusive. I won't undermine him as their father or make him look bad. So, I'm going to have to find a way to be the bad guy.

I do have a place to live...my parents moved but kept their home here in my town for visits and they said I can live there and save money until I get things sorted out. I have an appointment with an attorney in early May but can't tell H because he will freak out. I want to visit with the atty to get my bearings and go from there. H wants to keep the house but he can't afford to buy me out so I'm not sure how this will go.

Again, thanks for your words. I do believe keeping the kids involved in the process is important because it affects them. Springing it on them after the fact might be detrimental. The first poster indicated not telling them till it was over but I believe they were separated and H had already moved out. We separated for 9 mos but he moved home and has been back for 2 years now. So, it would be a total shock to them.

I'm sure I'll be back with more questions as this progresses! Thanks

BB