How do I stop my self inflicting insanit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
How do I stop my self inflicting insanit
7
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 5:10am

I'm such an idiot. Just when I feel I am moving on with my life. I just called the lawyer to have her write up an agreement STBX and I agree upon (yes, I've made concessions just to get this over with), I go and log onto his CC and see all the charges he made while OW is here visiting. I need to have the will power to stop checking this one piece of his life because it just brings me down. I see all the nice places he takes her for dinner and the flight he denies he paid for.

I talked to an old friend and the fact was confirmed that he did have sex with OW back in October. STBX swore up and down that nothing had happened when I found out in November. I even had sex with him during this time to try and win him back. What an ***hole I was. Now I have to call my doctor and have myself checked because this OW is rumored to be sleeping with 2 other guys back in her homestate. Way to pick a winner.

This weekend has been really hard knowing she is in this state staying in what was our maritial home. She is driving his truck around and dropping him off at our work. I wanted to go back to "our house" and rummage through her stuff. I was able to talk myself out of that surprisingly.

Anyways, I'm taking the kids tommorrow and a 3 day vaca with my sister's family so at least I can get out of here.

Thanks.

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 8:46am
Things will get better. My stbxh has done similar trashy/devastating/eye popping things to me. Get out and take a nice power walk, that makes me feel better (yoga is great too). Give yourself a nice pedicure...hit the nail polish section at the drug store and have fun...it's spring! No real words of wisdom here other than those. Just wanted to let you know I am in a similar boat and surviving...even thriving! We are also close to finalizing a separation agreement, I have to stomach my kids being exposed to a spinelss jerk and a filthy whore. I am starting to accept that I can only control what I do and what I put into my children. I have found a sweet, cute guy to date...that has TOTALLY helped me feel better. Hang in there! You are a strong special woman and doing the best you can!
Best,
Amy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 8:49am

The sad part is that it all makes you unhappy...

If it helps, I know exactly how you feel. I keep access to some accounts (not divorced), and this is a painful and in fact unwanted peek in his new life - with all the perks, buying house, moving.. gosh that was my life, the one I paid for and someone else is using.

Given that divorce is done, why don't you change the pass to the CC account - he'll change it again to retain his access, and you will be free. You should close the accesses - otherwise there will always be moments when you will go in and it will make you miserable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 10:31am

Thanks for your kind words. I have a 6 month old puggle that I adopted just for that reason - Get myself out of the house and get fresh air. I've lost 20 lbs when this all began and now that the weather is getting better (although today we're in the midst of a nor'easter), I'm spending more time with the kids at the park (baseball season started so thats keeping me busy as well).

I know I have to get to know who I am first before I put myself out there in the "dating" world again, but if you don't mind me asking how did you meet this guy? It's been 20 years since I've "flirted" and to be honest, I think that is what scares me to death. One of my "good" guy friends told me yesterday not to worry they are just in the woodwork waiting for the right time. I just feel alone because STBX has his OW here and I don't even know where or how to go about dating again. Or for that matter where to meet people.

Maybe Mr. Right will be at the park or out walking his dog one of these days :)

Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 10:38am
honestly...yahoo personals. I did not make my profile public, like you I did not feel ready but, just got on to see who was out there. I contacted just two guys because, I could tell I would like them and they looked really nice. He was one of the guys. We get along really well, has been a wonderful distraction!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 10:45am
I appreciate your post - The sad part is he has no idea I have access to this account. It's makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who goes and checks on accounts. Sometimes I feel I should just screw up the password on purpose just so I would get denied access. Then on the other hand, having this information handy could be useful if he decides to make my life difficult. My friend asked me last night if I keep my STBX husband around our family business because I want to know what he is doing at all times. This made me think a minute. Quite honestly, my father wanted to **itcan him months ago. He was missing work because of OW, but I told my father just give him time. He is the father of my two children. Unfortunately for him, he has shown no respect for me and I'm developing a backbone. I want to quit the family business that takes care of me quite well. My friend said I shouldn't quit - it's my family's business. STBX should go. The divorce part is easy for me now. I could never be with him again. He has shown with his actions how much love he has for me - absolutely none. The hard part now is moving forward and I don't think I can do it with him still working with me and trying to control me. Thanks again.
Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 4:16pm
Your family business? Ask your dad to fire his a**!!! Isn't that what daddies are for?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 4:40pm

Well, it looks to me that you definitely need to put in place some clear limits...

Do you want to leave your family business? maybe that is what you wish to do, and in that case it makes sense that you let your ex work there... but it doesn't look to me like that, and he should be the one out. Now, before things get more screwed up.

Of course, while the situation is like this, keep quiet about your secret access: it will provide you with good insight. Especially if he is a manipulative person, who will try to hide things from you, it can warn you on lots of things and hidden activities - the important thing is to avoid making yourself unhappy over it.

As for moving forward - you are moving forward, every day. Where the next man will come from isn't really what is important... Of course feeling alone is not fun, even more so when there is an idiot showing off with a blonde bimbo (here too, I have some experience LOL), but what is really relevant is what you do with your life, how you decide to proceed. It is about learning, living, choosing, and finding ways to become a better person... or at least, I think so. I sure hope a man is in my future (it hasn't been so far... ), but this time it will only be on MY terms - no compromising for fear of loneliness, because the result is worse than the loneliness...