Ex badmouthing me to kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2007
Ex badmouthing me to kids
2
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 5:34pm

I have a child who I suspected of using drugs, so I tape recorded phone conversations with friends, found I out was correct, put my child in a drug treatment program and happy to say my child has been drug free for two months now. However, during my process to get my child straight I heard some VERY disturbing conversations with my ex-husband. I always suspected he was badmouthing me to the children but I had no idea how often and to what extent. I have on tape my ex saying things like:

I think your mother is bipolar.
I think your mother is irrational.
I don’t like the way your mother is raising you.
I don’t like you being around your mother.
She wasn’t always this way, I have no idea what happened to her.
If your mother would have made more money when we got a divorce I wouldn’t have gotten into the financial trouble I’m in now.
Your mother has put college above everything else and she have lost everything because of it.
Your mother doesn’t have to go to school she just wants to go to school and it’s going to take years for her to finish and she can get just as good of a job without a degree.
You don’t need a drug rehab program, you just need a car and a job so you can get away from your mother and your home life because that is what is making you do drugs.
You don’t need a drug rehab program, rehabs are filled with addicts and you don’t need to be around those kinds of people and it is about time I took your mother back to court to get custody of you so you can be raised in a family environment.
Your mother would never just give up custody of you because then she would lose her child support and that would make her lose her house and then she would have to quit school and you know THAT would never happen so you are going to have to tell her that you want to come live with me and tell her it was your decision to move with me to make a fresh start and a fresh start would do you some good and all the money I won’t have to send your mother for your child support, I’ll buy you a car with.
Deb and Beth are the only two people your mother has left in her life because she has pushed everyone else away, including me.
Her boyfriend broke up with her because she is difficult to get along with and he finally got sick of her going to school.
When I was growing up my mother was so much more supportive than your mother is, I can’t imagine what it must be like to be raised by a mother like her.
There are too many good things in life and by staying in the bad environment of your mothers house you will be missing out on so much....

This kind of verbal abusive on me by him to our child has got to stop!! I don’t think my child should be subjected to this all the time and my younger one will probably hear it one day too. I am not sure how to approach this. I would prefer not to come clean about the tape player. Yes, it was an invasion of her privacy, but like I said, I suspected drugs for a while, but couldn't prove it or catch her in the act, so a friend loaned me this gadget she bought when she suspected her husband of cheating. I am glad I got my child the help needed, but I opened a whole new can of worms.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 7:15pm
Contact a lawyer immediately to explore your options. I would lose my f***ing mind if I was in your shoes. You also need to talk to a social worker or child/family psychologist of some kind. I would want to know what my options and his are and hear from a few pros before doing anything at all. You want to handle this right and I'm just not sure what right is. I am so sorry for you and your child. You don't come out and say it (maybe you did and I didn't see) but, I get the impression that your child and ex don't know that you bugged the phone. That deffinitely makes the situation a bit more complex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 7:49pm
Having been through a child who uses, I understand why you taped the conversations. Unless someone has been there they have no idea of the h. that we go threw. I commend you. If it were me, FIRST find out what your legal rights are concerning taping a conversation. The police should be able to tell you. In my state as long a one person knows(usually you) that a conversation is being taped than nothing can be done. You can sometimes find out by looking in a local phone book. If your state is okay with it, I think I would copy it and send your ex a copy. You do not owe him an explanation. If he was not there to help you, you were doing what ever it took to save your child. It sounds like your child is older, so you really have nothing to worry about custody. The judge would look at it as, well if he was so concerned, where was he when drug use was going on?Another option is to turn it over to your attorney. But if you are like alot of people you can not afford a long drawn out battle. Just keep the tape in a safe place. You may need it at some point. I'm sure if your ex knew he was being taped he would be more careful of what he says in the furture. My brother just busted his ex with tapes. I would have paid to have seen that one. You did a good job. Good luck.