how to stop feeling guilty?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 04-19-2007 - 1:29pm |
Finally, I told my H it's over. As I posted before he's an alcoholic and that keeps getting worse. It has take me months to get to this point. Months of his abuse endured by my kids (kids from my 1st marriage) and I. This past Sunday I told him that I was DONE. Last month my 15 yr old son was so devasted by my H's verbal and mental abuse over the last 2 yrs that he threatened suicide. After intervention and family counseling (my son and I) I see that he had tried to move into the role of my protector, it was hurting him to see what hy H was putting me through and how none of us could live up to his expectations. All 3 of my kids are really hurting.
My H blames my kids for his drinking and his problems, he blames everyone but himself. When we talked last Sunday night I told him that I am done because of pain he has caused us and also I will not stand by and watch him drink himself to death. He had to be out by the end of the month. He refuses any counseling and continues to lie to me daily. tuesday evening he came home very drunk and was slurring his words. My daughter, who's 20, was at home and walked around behind her telling her that "she won" and that it's her fault that our marriage broke up. He told her that she should go live with her boyfriend that no one wants her there. Just ugly stuff. I constantly tells me that my son just did a "cop out" by threatening suicide and that he will do it everytime he ever has a problem now just to get out of being in trouble. He says that he dislikes my son becuase my son lied to him (and me) about his grades and the problems he was having. I reminded my husband that he also lies to me about his drinking. I know this man is going off the deep end and I need to get away from him. So here is my problem.. why do I still feel GUILTY?
Last night he wouldn't speak to any of us but just walked around the house saying that no one liked him and that he wasn't a bad person. When he does speak he just says that he sorry and wants things to be like they were. It is just gut wrenching.. I wish I wouldn't have given him till the end of the month. I cry because my heart aches for our old relationship. I miss that man I used to know. I am hoping that once he is out and I don't see him or hear him the guilt will ease.
Does it ever get better? Will I ever stop feeling like this is my fault? How do you deal with the guilt even though I try to tell myself I didn't do anything. I'm just trying to protect myself and my kids..??

Hey Rocket,
Don't feel guilty. Alcoholics are like that. They are in denial and will blame everything around them except theirselves. He will continue to blame whoever is around until he admits that he has a drinking problem. You and your kids are the most important thing. The guilt will ease once he is out of the house and there is peace. Since he is refusing any help, there is nothing you can do. Besides being an alcoholic, his verbal abuse is affecting the whole house and on that alone, he needs to go. People like that very seldom change. They just continue to latch on to something or someone else.
Hang in there!
((((((((rocket))))))))
I am so very proud of you for taking this step. it is a huge step for you and i know how you have struggled with it. as you know, my stbx is also a "drunk" and has made me very miserable of late. he continues to barage me with phone call, vm's, emails, txts, telling me i'm a whore, then telling me he loves me more than anything. last night he had the nerve to send me an email that said "what i wouldn't give to have one last night in bed with you." YUCK!!!! and ARE YOU KIDDING ME and WTF!!!!!!!
be prepared, rocket, as i have been told, it gets worse before it gets better. my stbx has shown this to me. do not faulter, do not cave into his self pity bs. you are going to be fine and you are a survivor. please email me if you need anything friend.
xoxo
what
what...
Thanks for the reply. Yes, you and I both have struggled haven't we. I just wanted to add an update.
I just noticed that my wonderful H has been stealing checks from me. I ordered checks and got the boxes in and one of my cats knocked the box on the floor this morning. When I was putting the checks back in I noticed something.. well, it seems he has been going in and taking blank checks out.. he takes the little duplicate paper with it so unless i'm really looking at the numbers I wouldn't have notice. This totally freaked me OUT! I could NOT believe he would stoop this low. So I went on line today and found that he has used at least 5 checks on my account. One was actually for groceries.. the other ones have been used at the bar that he goes to. MY MONEY from my checking account.. that he used to buy his d*mn alcohol!!!! He forged my checks.. 40.00, 80.00 etc..
I lost everything when I divorced before then slowly tried to come back, I ended up with stage IV cancer and lost most everything again.. since we have been married he has put us back in dept and everything I had in savings etc. is gone. I have been working those 3 jobs in an effort to pay things off. He only pays 1-2 bills a month that go towards our household. I pay everything else..!!! 70% of his income already goes to booze.. now this!!!!!
I am just so upset over this type of betrayal.. what is WRONG with these people. to steal money, forge checks..??? I would give anything to be able to go home pick his a$$ up and set him out on the curb for GOOD!
Okay.. I'm done venting..
<<<>>>
rocket,
bottom line: he's sick. his illness, alcoholism. only he can control it, change it, cure it. good for you for not getting pulled into the pit with him.
What
Rocket, congrats on taking that first, very difficult step. The first step is always the hardest. I haven't been through the alcoholism, but I have been through verbal, emotional and sexual abuse at the hands of my ex. I'm sorry you have had to go through that. Hang in there, you can make it through it.
About the checks: file a police report, let the bank know they were stolen. Call the local stores and let them know that your stbx has been stealing checks from you and using them. Do you have a private/secret place where he can't find them? Also, keep track of all of this and mention it to your attorney.
Good luck and stay strong,
Becka
Rocket,
Setting boundaries is hard. Sticking to them is harder. Congratulations on drawing a line in the sand. That said, recognize your husband's behavior as that of an addict. The most important thing in the world to him is the next drink. Not you. Not your children. Not your marriage, but his next drink. Period.
An alcoholic will do anything to keep the same patterns in place that enable him to drink. For your family that has meant taking abuse in various forms, letting him live with you, and generally putting up with him so he can keep drinking. Well, now, you've gone and said his behavior isn't acceptable any more and further more you want him to leave. That's tilted his world 180 degrees on its axis, because you've
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Nalamia is right on.
Al-Anon are people who have lived your circumstances, understand the issues, and can truely empathize with you.
In addition, they willl be able to give you adivce and guidelines to deal with your guilt.
And yes, the guilt will go away. BUT!!!!, be prepared for the full spectrum of emotions you will feel, and do not be afraid of them or supress them. Once you are done with the guilt, you'll probably be angry for a while.
And this is where a support group like Al-Anon is so helpful.