What do I do now?
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| Fri, 04-20-2007 - 10:33pm |
I need advice and to vent. First a little background on my situation, I have been married for 13 years and have 3 beautiful kids dd10, dd7 and ds3. My h decided he wanted a divorce (for the 3rd time) so me and my kids moved in with my parents and waited for the nightmare to be over. So I was so devastated during the break that I decided hey lets see what is out there so I made a mistake and talked to and met one time a guy from Match. com. Anyway after my h found out he freaked out and basically stalked me for 2 months. I broke it off with the other guy and just waited for my H to file. so fast forward a couple of months to March and my h wants us to work everything out. So he said all the right things, made all the right promises and I went home. So now after 2 weeks of being home I am doubting my decision.
He keeps telling me he cant forget what I did and does not believe that I am sincere about working on our marriage. He is withholding love, and money. I dont know how much more I can take. I really wanted to work this out and stay together but I cant live in a loveless marriage. So now I am broke and dont have a job, the only person who is truly happy is a 3 year old little boy. So any feedback would be great
Thanks so much
Meme

auntmeme2007...
PG is puzzled?
If you really wanted a reconciliation with your husband...why did you bother tempting fate by talking with somebody else?
Having said this, I think that any spouse who brings up the D word 3 times will probably bring it up a 4th time?
Pianoguy
I think you should be proactive. You state that you are in a loveless marriage. I learned recently that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse when it comes to relationships are Contempt, Stonewalling, Defensiveness, and Blame. Once you do that over enough years to a partner, there is usually no way back. Why? It becomes your way of handling conflict for one. And there is no forgetting for another. Even if you find a new way of dealing with conflict through counseling, the damage that has been done is irrepaprable.
Your husband doesn't want you to move on before he has a chance to. I dare say you feel the same way and that is why you made a mad dash for Match.com. But I wouldn't bother with dating foir a good long time. I would focus on myself. I'd get my finances in order through the courts for one. I'd focus on my kids, I'd get myself strong for myself and for my kids. I'd get out of my parents' home. And once I was standing on my own two feet, probably for the first time in my adult life, I'd trust that God would bring a wonderful man into my life at that point.
I wouldn't allow my husband to control me anymore. Take control of your life, your destiny. He doesn't control yoiur life. Your life belongs to YOU alone. Take ownership of it. Where is your self respect? Move out on him for good because you deserve more. Don't go begging to him for money. You are the mother of his children. You are entitled to money. Get a lawyer. What year are you living in? Come on girl. Stop being a victim. Stop being his victim.
When I left my husband he said I could go but I couldn't take anything. I said, "Fine." I had no children. Had I, I would have fought for money. But I knew I'd survive. I did. I went back to bartending at night to supplement my income as a high school English teacher. I still struggle financially. 13 years later I am still single. I have men offer to take care of me financially. But I am still holding out for love. I won't be bought. I recently met a man. His wife beats him down. He's tried to kill himself twice rather than leave her. I don't understand why others find it so hard to just leave and stand on their own two feet. Yes it is hard. Yes. It means huge struggle and sacrifice and uncertainty. Yes, you feel fear and anxiety. But it can be done. At the end of the day it builds strength and character. God is with you. You are not alone. God will not see you starve. At the end of the day you feel immense pride that you managed to do that, you survived it. You did it alone. Isn't that what life is about? Testing yourself and winning? Not taking the easy way, the safe way and staying unhappy. God wants us tpo be happy. He'll carry you.
Do you know that Footprints prayer? When it gets really rough He carries you. Ther eis only one set of Footprints because He carries you.
So walk girl. Run. You'll make it. And you don't need some other guy on Match.com to walk you out the door. You've got two legs. Use them. Walk. You have my prayers and my positive thoughts. I know you can do it.
Star Girl
Canada
I really thought that my marriage was over before I went online. I really was just curious about what was out there and now that I know it is not near as appealing. I do love my husband but I feel like I am waiting for him to leave every time we argue.
I am going to work on myself so I can stand on my own 2 feet and see what happens.
Thanks so much for your advice
Me
Thanks so much for your advice, I know that the grass is not greener on the other side and when I am ready I will stand on my own 2 feet. thanks again
Me
I think you should really start working on yourself. Keep smiling at home, but in the meanwhile you can work on getting your basis more stable: job qualifications, perhaps even looking for a job and for childcare (see what solutions are available). Also, see a lawyer, and get the critical information ready, so that if you decide to go it can be fast. Your H sounds full of doubts, and able to change his mind at a drop of the hat: you must make yourself able to stand on your feet.
Being indipendent will not make you divorce: but it will make it easier and possible, instead of risking a very desperate situation if you don't do it. YOu have everything to gain, and nothing to loose...
Aunt,
A couple of observations:
1)You appear to be the one who "moves out" when its your husband who wants a divorce.
2)It also appears you take him back every time (or at least the two previous times he's threatened divorce.)
Conclusion: He says "jump" and you ask "how high?"
Your husband is playing a game of manipulation with you. He wants a divorce, you move uot, he cools off, and asks you to come back. You do. Things are OK for a while. Then he repeats the cycle.
Your husband "freaked out" about your foray into dating because its the first time you've actually threatened his little game with possible failure. You meet someone else and it suddenly becomes possible you won't come back and he can be "replaced."
CL-Wisdomtooth2020