Making 50/50 child time splitting work
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| Sun, 04-22-2007 - 5:38am |
How do you make 50/50 child time splitting work when one party doesn't want to do their share?
My situation is that I can handle full custody IF I get child support because I could then reduce my work hours to handle everything. STBX, however, WILL NOT pay child support. It AIN'T happening. He also has indicated that I will be expected to do all the running around with the kids post divorce or they simply won't go to their activities. The whole point behind 50/50, which he will in all liklihood get, is that he doesn't have to pay child support.
What do you do with a "50/50" parent who only actually does about 20%? Any suggestions for how to make this work? To add insult to injury, he moved 16 miles away making switching the kids an event in itself.
He wants a three day alternating schedule. If I agree to that (not until the court tells me I have to), I could structure my work hours around the kids schedule on the middle day but the days on either end would be switch off days. On his first day, I'd need to drop the kids off at school or child care so I'd go in late and work late and on the third day I'd go in early and get off early because I'd be picking up the kids. So, with the exception of the day custody switches to him and I need to work late, I could actually do all the running around with the kids. I'd just return the kids to him when I was done.
This would really bug me though. How can you call yourself a 50/50 parent when you don't do 50% of what the kids need? Plus losing that much time with my kids when I'm the one who actually does stuff with them just kills me. The time they spend with their dad will be mostly, unsupervised, free time for the kids. His idea of quality time is being under the same roof.

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Being a single Mom is tough and I have it lucky because my ex does do some of the things with the children during his week. I still have them everyday after work and I am responsible for their homework and most of their rec activities that take place during this time. I still buy all their clothes and anything they need for school but, he has to pay me a certain percentage of those things I buy just as I do him. If your ex plans to not help you out at all then maybe you need to go for full custody. When he is on the stand have your lawyer question about his intentions with the children.
I work fulltime. Didn't used to. I have found that some things just take a back seat to my children. Our time with them is limited so they are my priority to heck with the dishes. I do get tired, but the stress is so much less now that I can handle a messy house.
My ex and I do an everyother week schedule. It works well for us.
Being single I take better care of me. You need to do the same. You will survive this. I know it is hard now, but I promise it gets better.
Good Luck.
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
I out earn him. In a 50/50 arrangement, I could have to pay him child support. So, yes he gets out of child support if he gets 50/50 custody.
I am going for full custody but I'm in a county that starts at 50/50 and works from there AND we drew a father's rights judge. To pull it away from 50/50, I have to pretty much prove him incompetent. Chances are he will get a 50/50 arrangement. Which he only wants so he doesn't have to pay CS, which he doesn't in that case. I probably won't either because I've asked the court to impute income to him making his income equal to mine. He could make more than me but prefers to work the hour he likes (it's much easier to drink at night if you know you can sleep in and go to work at 10:00). He has a deal with his current employer that his employer won't complain about his hours and he won't complain about his pay but now wants to play poor because I outearn him. Fortunately, we can show that people with his background usually make a lot more than he does.
Wanted to reiterate stbx's original custody plan. He'd have the kids on school days and I'd have them on the weekends BUT I would continue to pick them up from school, do homework with them, practice instruments and take them to and from all of their activities. I would just make sure I delivered them back to him in time to tuck them into bed and he'd get them off to school in the morning, which is pretty much the way things ran when we were together.
What are your thoughts on this plan? Personally, I think it's telling of just how involved stbx plans on being post divorce (not very) but looking at the 50/50 arrangements I've seen, which are complicated schedules of who does what when, it's actually not looking bad from my kids perspective (in my mind, I have not asked them and won't until it's time to actually work out a schedule). They'd know where they're sleeping every night. They'd see me every day and I would continue to do the things I do for them now. While I think his plan is selfish and self serving (gets to call it split custody and avoid child support while doing just about nothing for the kids), I'm finding I can't stand the thought of not seeing my kids any days.
Of course since he had the BRILLIANT idea to move 16 miles away, I'd get to burn a lot of gas and tear up vehicles running back and forth.
The way you describe it, it doesn't sound very 50/50 to me--only that in name only perhaps... if you're still responsible for the kids on his days, except for dropping them off for bedtime, well, it sounds more 80/20 at best...
I hope that you get this resolved as best you can for the children, but I am worried about you... please keep us posted
Julie
As I said, his objective is to avoid CS not to actually be a 50/50 parent. However, my issue with custody is in scheduling around my work schedule. When we were together, I worked an earlier shift so I could get off early and get the kids from school and had plenty of time for all of their activities. One of the advantages of this plan is that I can continue to do that and end up having a lot more time with my kids. The other is I have a lot more time with the kids than he does and since I like my parenting style better than his, that's a plus BUT if it's officially 50/50 I'm willing to bet he'll do a lot more complaining about my parenting style.
I'll use the last blow up we had as an example of differences in parenting styles. Dd$2 (9), apparently, irritated dd#1 (11) so dd#1 BIT her little sister. Well, I DARED to yell at dd#1 for biting. I told her she's not TWO. STBX, got ugly with me and screamed about how I should be yelling at dd#2 because she started it.
In my mind an 11 year old biting is NEVER ok. In his, it's ok as long as her little sister did something to deserve it and the one who should be punished is the one who started it. IMO, punishing the one who started it while letting the one off the hook who escalated it only encourages the escalation in the future. Also, 11 yo's simply should NOT be biting anyone for any reason.
The judge may be father-rights friendly, but I think any judge worth his or her salt would agree that since you would have responsibility to your children seven days a week, that is in NO way, shape, or form, 50/50 custody. When you go to court, you will have to spell out your plan of custody. If your STBX admitted you would be responsible for the children every day after school until the evening, it would not be considered a 50/50 split.
In addition, I would definitely mention to your lawyer that your STBX has said he wants 50/50 so he can avoid support. Even judges that promote the rights of the father know this is a common tactic. Good luck!
He hasn't come out and said that's his reason but it's clear from his suggested "50/50" plan that he doesn't want 50/50 parenting. Just the appearance of it. He has also ranted to relatives about how GREEDY I am to want the kids. That I just want his money and I'm not getting it. He has threatened to bankrupt me to keep me from getting the kids. (his mom and brother have promised him blank checks for legal fees to accomplish this)
He DOESN'T complain about not getting enough time to see them. He complains about how the only reason I want the kids is I want child support, while he dreams up "50/50" plans that leave me doing 80% of the parenting.
Honestly, with his plan, I'd have more time on Saturday with the kids than he'd have the entire week. He'd have the kids, maybe, 2 hours a day Monday-Friday and not at all on the weekends. They'd be with me the rest of the time. In his mind, this is how is should be because it mirrors how things were during our marriage AND since the kids "live" at his place, no one pays support. I guess sleep time now counts as parenting time, lol.
I know it's about money. He has this thing about me deserving nothing. He's been like that our entire marriage. He wants something from me and thinks I deserve nothing from him. During the early years of our marriage, he needed me to raise his kids from his first marriage, then I won a scholarship to study engineering and he saw dollar signs. Now, I'm one class away from a master of arts in teaching and a 50% pay cut. So, I'm usless now. I know darned well it's about money. I've always suspected it but the timing of his deciding to leave (after 28 years of marriage) clinches it. He would never talk about how we were going to handle the finances when I quit to student teach. Apparently, he never planned on sticking around for that part. Never mind I put a 10 week old baby into full time day care and supported his butt while he played at "starting his own business" because he decided he HAD to quit and do it now when I was 5 months pregnant with dd#1. (Again with the part about me deserving nothing. I didn't deserve to even take a maternity leave when I had our babies.)
Honestly, if he could give me the kids and get me to pay alimony, he'd go for it in a heart beat. However, he has a sizable family trust to protect. He met with his mother's lawyer several weeks before he told me he was leaving to make sure he could protect it. He can't if I get the kids because then it would be considered in determining the amount of child support. Even with 50/50, I could probably have the issue of CS revisited once he inherits the trust. Which is why he is so KINDLY offering to not require me to pay CS. He's setting precidence to he doesn't have to when his income is double mine when he inherits the trust.
Given that he has money but doesn't think a college education for his kids is something he should have to pay for, I'd love to get CS and just sock it away for my kids for college. Everything is for HIM. He can't even let go of the greed for his kids. He openly complained about the savings bonds I was buying for the girls for college. There's not much there but there's something. My plan was to max out my 401K until I didn't need to save anymore and then divert the funds to paying for college for the girls. I need a new plan now. Unfortunately, college savings is not something the court cares about.
A "three day alternating schedule"? That is a stupid idea. Its too disrupting to the kids' daily lives. I don't think any court would agree to it. Has he happened to codify his plan? So someone in the courts can see objective evidence of his approach?
Of the parents that I know that have pulled off a true 50/50, its one week with, one week without during school, and one month with, one month without during summer break.
Counter-propose the alternating one week on the basis of stability for the kids. See if you can get the judge (or their magistrate) to help arbitrate -- mainly so the judge can hear stbx's perspective on 50/50 parenting. What I wish is that a judge would here the full scope of negotiating: you are not asking for alimony, you are not asking for child support, you are asking that he share in the responsibilities of parenting.
That ain't gonna work. That means that I'd spend every other week catching dd#1 up on her homework and dd#2 on her piano practice.
I have a SIL who does true 50/50. It's every other day. One parent drops off to school/day care and the other picks up. They were smart enough to buy houses within walking distance of each other though so the kids peer group doesn't change based on whose house they're at. All that changes is which house they walk home to after school.
My idiot stbx got an apartment 16 miles from here. The kids go to a charter school so it doesn't matter where we live but close enough so the kids had the same peer group no matter whose house they were at would be very nice. That would also mean close enough to stop by for an hour a day and do piano practice and homework too.
Honestly, if he lived in this neighborhood, I'd go for his proposed schedule. It allows me to do all the things I do now and see my kids every day. I just wouldn't call it 50/50 parenting, lol. Unfortunately, he's 16 miles away and that makes it just rediculous to expect me to go get the kids, bring them here for homework/practice, run them to all their activities and then deliver them back to him. When do THEY get chill time to just hang out and be kids? Sadly, kids need that more than they need 50/50 parenting but courts don't see that. It's no longer about what's best for the kids but about dividing the kids like ping pong balls to be bounced back and forth because they're assets of the marriage.
Brenda, nice to see you saying it gets easier/better... I actually just lurk on this board now that I have "survived" and moved on, but I've been wondering about you.
Kerry
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