My Happiness VS My Family
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 04-24-2007 - 11:52am |
My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We have an 8 year son together. We live in NC (my hubby's hometown). We moved to NC about 10 months ago from IN (my hometown), because the plant where I worked at closed and I lost my job. My hubby was not happy in his job at the time so we decided to move.
Things have not been working out well since we have been down here. My husband has been bouncing from job to job. I have been working steadily at a pretty good company and I am just not happy at my job. It is a good job, but there is really no room for advancement here. I already talked to HR about advancement.
My old plant manager relocated to a plant in SC. He emailed me the other day and wants to know how things are going and if I would be interested in a position at his plant. So I called him to find out what the situation was. He needs an Administrative Assistant, for HR, Sales, and Production. I told him I would consider, based on pay and advancement. He said I know you will not be happy being in this position for a long time, but there is plenty of room to grow and advance in this plant. I am supposed to be getting an offer after Friday the 27th.
The plant in SC is about 1 hour to 1.5 hours away. I could drive it everyday. It would be a hassle, and DH would have to step up at home. He would have to make sure homework is done; dinner is at least started, etc. He says he will step up, but in my heart of hearts I do not believe him.
I really think that this opportunity will be the end of our marriage. I know if I do not try to take this opportunity, I will end up resenting him. I feel like he is trying to hold me back in a way. All I want to do is make sure my family is taken care of. Financially right now it is so tight. I am not a person who just wants money. I just want to live comfortable and have some sort of security. I feel I do not have right now. It would be nice to have some savings in the bank to fall back on. We currently are living paycheck to paycheck.
Do I choose my happiness or my family? I feel so torn. I love my husband, but I feel like he is not trying to better our family. He won't even consider moving to SC. I already asked him. My feelings are if he doesn't step up at home, then I will have to move with my son to SC. I want a better life for all of us.

Wow... so much of what you're saying sounds familiar. I'm going through a similar situation: I have a job waiting for me in Florida, along with my mom who is dying for me to move down with her only grandkids. My husband said yes to moving when we talked about it months ago, and now that our house is on the market and I've accepted the job, he's changed his mind. I've also been seriously considering the option of separation.
However, is the move or his not wanting to move the only 'issue' in your marriage? If so, don't be hasty; you may regret it later. Since you're willing to commute to this new job, what if you set a timeline. Say, in 3 months if he hasn't kept up his end of the deal of stepping up at home and helping you out, you tell him you've decided to move and he is welcome to come, but that you're not staying.
I know it's hard. My husband and I had a long discussion. It was the hardest conversation I've ever had to initiate, and in the end, I couldn't come out and say I wanted to separate... I left it more as a 'let's see what happens'. So, believe me, I know how hard this is, and I wish you the best. Just don't do anything without looking at it from all angles, just in case in can be salvaged--especially if you love your husband and want your family and marriage to work.
Brown,
You've suffered from a lot of stress recently. Losing your job, getting a new job, moving, trying to get settled, your husband having to look for work, then bouncing from job to job. It's a lot to ask anyone to deal with all at once.
Is your husband's behavior new or the same as before? Perhaps he can't deal with the stress of the situation and that's why he's behaving like a teenager. Some men just can't handle the fact their wives get work when they can't or make more than they do.
I suggest you find a marriage counselor and seek their input. No situation is b&w to both parties. You would benefit greatly from the objectivity of a professional. It will help you whether you stay together or not.
I also think you need to set timelines and boundaries with your husband. It's obvious he's having trouble coping with all the changes, but lack of structure isn't helping.
Let us know how you are doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I vote for doing what it takes for you to be happy (and more self supportive).
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Thanks for the input! We do have a session of counseling scheduled for May the 7th. I am trying to be optimistic that things will work out. I really do think we need a third party to look at our situation and tell us both how to best handle it. I love my husband and I know he loves me. He has never had to play the "homemaker" before. I have always taken care of everything, i.e. cooking, cleaning, homework, taking son to and from daycare or after school care, etc. I have also worked while doing all this too. I just can't see driving about 2-3 hours a day to and from work and being able to keep up with everything.
He has pretty much for the most part acted the same since we have moved. Yes there has been a whole lot of stress in our family lately and for the past 6 months or so. I am not going to jump to anything to hastily. I figured if I take the job (waiting on numbers) I can always drive, and if he chooses not to step up at home I will deal with that when and if it comes to that.
I really do want to go to counseling and see what the counselor has to say about our situation.