A reason to leave?
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| Wed, 04-25-2007 - 10:16am |
I know in my gut the answer to this, but because I lack a spine, I need some input.
Please help. Here's my story. (I'll try to put it in a nutshell)
I have been married for 17 years. 3 kids. He is the only relationship I've ever had.
While it's not been the best, what we've had is comfortable.
Over the years I think I've fallen out of love with him bit by bit. I have gotten to the point now that I don't even enjoy his company anymore.
I never wanted divorce for the sake of my kids, but now it's the kids who are being hurt.
He is not a loving father...I don't think he's ever told our kids he loves them. Does not
give affection (ex; 16 DD went to hug him on her birthday after rcvng her gift. And he didn't like how she was acting (hah, like a teenager) , so he just stood there! )
Lately, he has been calling them bad names. This past week 16 yo DD was sitting on the deck rail and he yelled at her to get down, and called her a whore. HUH??????? And she told me it wasn't the first time he'd done that. Now I have a 13 DS, who is starting to get called nasty names (("f*ing kid")) I hear those awful words and it makes my heart hurt.
I am so angry at myself for being spineless and staying in this relationship. But the thought of leaving all I have ever known is so unbelievably overwhelming. I am a SAHM with no college education~ nothing to fall back on.
I just cry and cry. ]
and it's not just the namecalling. He yells everything. The kids just tune him out...
yes, we've tried counseling. He says "I haven't changed" it's not me..
He blames me for whatever the kids do, and my hormones on why I'm not loving towards him.
Am I blowing this out of proportion, by wanting to leave??? ARe there any women like me out there who found the courage to head out on their own?
thank you for reading....
FB

aflutter
i have a few questions. first of all, has he always behaved like this or is it new? is he involved with another woman or is he a substance abuser?
the behavior is very concerning. take care of you and your children first. (calling a 16 year old a whore???) i don't even know what to say about that. strange. and extremely inappropriate.
what
That's the problem... he hasn't changed, yet life has gone on... you've had children, grown up... LIFE has changed, and he still thinks he's living a life from 17 years ago.
I think it's more difficult to make a decision to change a situation when there's no one clear cut dealbreaker moment.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Aflutter,
I agree with Karen. IMO, your husband is dealing with two things: one he's realized he's not as young as he used to be (because his kids are now teens), and he's having a hard time with the reality that his children are becoming a young woman and young man. Hence, the "whore" comment to your 16yo daughter. He can't handle the fact she's grown(ing) up and he's also angry because the time went so fast. He's deflecting his anger onto you and the kids and that's also why he says he "hasn't change." Like Karen said, he has changed, he just can't accept it. It's much easier for him to deny it and blame others.
I don't know if he'd agree to go to individual counseling with a man. Have you suggested it? Are the two of you involved in any church or synagouge? Sometimes places of worship have men's support groups, etc. Also, has your husband done any growing in the past 5 years, i.e. either with a more challenging job, new hobby, or new friends? He needs to look at this time of life as a new phase with new possibilities. If he did, he'd find it easier to accept his age and his new stage of life.
Let us know how you are doing.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
IMHO, there are different kinds of abuse including verbal abuse. Whatever the source of his problem, he is acting in an abusive way towards your kids. If he is unwilling to change or work on the problem or its roots, I think that is a reason to leave. As someone else said, what are you teaching your kids about how someone should treat them?
I am sure it is an agonizing decision. Have you tried individual counselling to work through this?
Best wishes to you and your kids.
We have gone to counseling. Just last summer, and that's when he said
"its not me, I haven't changed" He has NEVER been one to own up to his
faults or mistakes. So counseling gets us nowhere.
He was raised in a single parent home where "Mother" ruled with an iron fist
and Dad left and never saw his sons. So he probably thinks that
we're ok...better than what he had growing up, right?
He even told our son that I was going to leave because I couldn't
handle them. (essentially blaming me leaving ~on the kids) That comment
stemmed from me telling him I was taking the kids and leaving, but he turned
it around. of course.
I don't see him changing. Not for good anyways. He always does the nicey nicey
thing after he says or does something wrong. And then it's back to the same
old thing. I think that's why it's gotten this far.
(a few months ago he had hit my daughter a couple of times, and I threatened to leave
if he didn't stop. He did, but now this.)
someone earlier said something about not being one defining moment leading up
to this. It is SO TRUE. It's all the little things. But added up, it's
not so little.
thanks again for all your comments.
It helps so much to get input on this. I am very bad at making decisions (duh! obviously)
and having another opinion(s) helps me a great deal.
If anyone ever called my DD a whore or my DS a F**ing kid, they would have to be scraped off the pavement. There is no way I'd put up with that. He's got issues.
You no longer enjoy his company
He's mean to the kids
Mean to you
Yells
Blames you
So what if you stay at home with no college? I used to stay at home, I am on my second marriage and we are separated. I work now full time with 2 young kids i school and daycare. I clean the house, cook, work full time, take my son to his baseball games and cheer for him, potty train my daughter, do classes online, and still manage to find time to sleep. It can be done. Don't be afraid to do what you have to do. I know it is hard. We all know that. But he has given you all the reasons to leave. I'm not saying to do it, but if you feel strongly that he will never change, then it should be considered.
Peace,
~Melissa~
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M.
I find myself going back and reading your post every day.
What you said is right on the money.
It makes me feel that I am not wrong in how I feel.
You know, I've always thought well, he's a good provider, and
he comes home to us every night. And I know that he loves me.
All those little things didn't seem like a reason to end a marriage.
My parents were married for almost 50 years before my Dad passed away.
They put up with alot of crap together, I'm sure. But whatever their
problems, we(kids) were never involved, and always always felt absolutely
adored by them both.
I guess that's where I draw my line. My kids are everything and obviously
he doesn't share that sentiment. You are right that he is still
the same as 17 years ago....just as immature and self centered
thanks again
ps...I am afraid that my anger from this latest namecalling
will fade and I will fall back into the same day to day....until the next time.
It is what always happens.
The fact that you're feeling angry is a good motivator.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~