14 years, 2 kids...reason to stay?
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| Fri, 04-27-2007 - 12:59am |
I'm in such a state of confusion! I can't even believe I'm on this message board...ok, I can believe it...but it worries me!
I've been with my husband for 14 years, since we were both 18. We've been married almost 9 years. We have two girls 7 and 5. What I am realizing right now is that we both have differnt realities from the last 14 years. He has been happy, I've been fooling myself, seeing our relationship through the eyes of the outside world...'Look how cute they are, what a great family.' The truth is I'm in a relationship that has never allowed for me to be true to myself. I take on so much of that burden, knowing I should of spoke up more. However, I know that when I did speak up, speak from my heart, I was never fully listened to or understood...I know this is generic! A lot of what I feel I compromised about revolves around our sexual intimacy and me seeing my family that lives several states away. I entered our relationship with sexual baggage and never was able to feel totally comfortable having sex with my husband. Yes, it has been enjoyable, just never what I'd fully want. Part of this is because of the tie my husband made to us being intimate meant us having sex...I always wondered why sex had to equal intimacy?! When I'd try to explain that I didn't want sex as much or how I was uncomfortable I never felt understood, still felt compelled to 'compromise' myself by giving him what he wanted...He is a loving person, good intentions, just never able to fully hear or understand me! Then, a year ago, while I'm in counseling for finally dealing with my sexual history he comes to me with a plan....His idea...'Let's look into swinging.' Yes, sexual encounters with other couples! I was so taken aback. In fairness, this had periodically been part of our sexual fantisizing...I just never really wanted it. About 8 months later, after my therapy had gotten me to a more free place sexually I agreed to it. I was actually a little excited. To make a long story short....we met a couple that we chatted with online a lot, got together with twice over about a month and a halfs time. The husband from that couple and myself developed an emotional connection. We were very upfront with our spouses and while his wife was supportive, my husband was not. I see what happened as a wake up call for me to re-evaluate my marriage and how I've not been happy. We are going to counseling now....we are not in contact with this other couple. He seems to want to pin my current unhappiness on my feelings for this other person. I am in a position where I want to be a free person, free from all the control I feel I've let happen to me over the years...ARG! Sorry this is so rambling...I still feel like most the story is left out!
Now I feel like I want to get out! Be my own individual, something I've NEVER been. I'm so scared to do that to my kids!
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

Sweet,
My initial thought is I'm glad you and your husband are going to counseling. Please stick with it even if it gets uncomfortable and difficult. You both need to invest the work
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Generic?
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~